My fresh start turned out to be a nightmare.I was thrown out into the street with practically nothing, I had to leave my cat behind (she is well cared for,I did manage to ensure that much),I lost my money and ID and debit card to a pickpocket,I spent two days on a bus with no food or water,and I returned home to IL. I have a room with no door,people coming thru at all hours,blaring their TVs and stereos and talking loudly. I made a complaint and was called a princess.Things are a fucking mess but at least I am home and safe and not looking over my shoulder and having my privacy invaded now.
Of all of it,losing Courty is the one thing I will never recover from. I know that she is ok,but she is-was-my entire world and without her nothing seems to make any sense anymore. I can't forgive myself for putting myself into a situation that resulted in losing her.
I will likely not ever completely trust anyone again, that lesson was learned the hard way.
At this point,I am sick of people and I just want my quiet calm existence back devoid of the stress of dealing with others and having my feelings invalidated at every turn. I know I did this to myself,I have to lie with it,but being reminded of it constantly is not helpful.
My life will go on,and I will reclaim my sanity at some point. I have every intention of going back on meds and back into therapy at some point in the reasonable future.
My dad,while well meaning, said "We'll get you another cat."
I may never be able to have a cat again, I failed Courty in the worst way and there will be no self forgiveness for that. I am not worthy of having a pet,I may never be again.
To my friends who read this...I honestly had no choice,I did not abandon Courty willingly,I was in an impossible position and I have tried everything within my means to get her back. This having failed,I did the next best thing and have made sure she is in a good place being well cared for.
I am  heartbroken toi an extent I can't even find words for.
Nothing will ever be the same again,not me,not my world.
Is funny how a single incident can change everything and alter you for life.
Losing Courty is as good as having lost everything.
Life goes on, but I'll never be the same again.

it amuses me....

how Tyler and I wind up talking sex twenty seconds into a conversation.
stimulation junkies like us have one track minds.
===============
dramarama

there just is no escaping drama.
it's rarely my drama,is the thing,it's almost always peripheral.
I don't like conflict,I don't like drama, and I try to live in a zone free of these things,personally.
unfortunately,drama is all around me and I just sort of TRY to tune out.
================
LOL

Becca's measuring her hair again.
she's strange but cute.
==============
kat......

omgomgomg,purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
*fans self*
================
brave new world...

I've been here 3 weeks and already I have tried new foods i never would have otherwise touched.
some i liked,some i did not,some i loved to pieces.
if i can get past my own stubbornness on this issue,well,who knows what other issues i can beyond.
am actually kind of excited about it.
used to consider myself open minded,but now it's even more true.
there is much i have been closed off to because of my stupid issues and stubbornness.
i think those days have come to an end...
=============
finally...

i have the house all to myself.
a rarity with three others living here.
which is still better than where I was,there were 7 others living there.
i like the peace and quiet.
well,it would be quiet if Becca wasn't nudging me,LOL.
==============
i discussed....

piercings with Tyler today.
he's,um, a kinky lil boi.
personally,i don't want metal objects of that nature near my delicate bits.
but i'll confess to an unhealthy curiosity about tongue studs. (not for me,any holes in my tongue will be put there by,uh,being given so much pleasure I bite thru it.)
but the flip side curiosity...
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
=================
NOT....

Becca said, "I imagine one day we'll get tired of nudging."
NEVER.
nudge wars till death.
==============
christina...

is excited the new house we may get has a hot tub.
UGH.
I've never enjoyed them,they're sooo....hot. in a bad way.
i don't want my flesh boiled,for fuck's sake.
is strange tho,cos i love to swim but i've been here three weeks and have yet to do more than dip my feet in the pool.
chlorine makes me deathly sick and fucks with my hair color so it seems pointless.
if i didn't live with so many people tho,i'd sooo clip my hair up and go skinny dipping late at night,is very relaxing.
oh,well,i'll stick to baths and showers to feed my water baby fixation.
since february,showering has become a lot more interesting,anyway.
=================
dooooombies...

it's just funny.
=================
i hate popular music....

but i've been infected by fergie's "big girls don't cry".
i love the line, "Yes, you can hold my hand if you want to, 'cos I want to hold yours,too..."
she can eat glass and die,but i like this song.
================
guitar pick earrings...

i found some at hot topic that said "lucky 13" which I thought would have been a fitting tribute to my god...
but ha ha,they wanted $15 for them and they were made out of styrofoam.
fuck that.
==================
speaking of mr 13...

my friend fran is going to see him soon.
tyler's going to see him next month.
this shade of green looks terrible on me...
i wanna see wednesday demmit.
i looooove his music.
he makes me laugh.
===============
awwwww...

an old friend sent me an e card.
a funny one, nothing sappy and gay.
I like the goth/dark ones especially,my sister and kasey sometimes send those to me.
was thoughtful of my friend to do that,tho.
i love that kind of stuff.
hmm,speaking of ecards, today is my friend rick's birthday,should probably let him know i'm thinking about him.
================
staind...

"and you...can bring me to my knees..."
==============
color uncoordinated....

my nails are purple.
my toe nails are a metallic aqua blue.
smashing with the pink hair.
and people say i wear nothing but black.
:p
====================
i love...

rose scent.
is such an "old woman" fragrance but i can't help it,i love it.
==============
salivating...

the wall of yum sees that i never stop drooling.
mmmmmm.
==============
supposedly...

the "new" house has air condtioning.
were it 90 out,i'd be impressed.
it hasn't broken 75 since i've been here tho so i'm just like,eh,whatever.
===============
christina...

was shocked to learn i actually listen to all different kinds of music.
i'm a metal girl,for sure,but i'm not single minded about it.
i don't care what the genre is,i like what i like.
i thank my mom for this, she taught me listen to lots of different stuff and never get tied to one style.
metal is my passion,but my mind is open.
================
bliss...

I'm going to bed on that note.
i'm just very lucky to have kat in my life.
makes me purr incessantly.
=======================

I'm definitely in a better place but what I have found (which I knew all along and like an idiot let others convince me otherwise) is that you can run,but you cannot hide from depression. Sure,last week I had ample reason for depression, a bunch of stuff was going wrong,but even before then, I was having my ultra low days for no apparent reason. You can blame diet,poor sleep patterns,hell, blame the moon being in retrograde,but if you are genetically predisposed to a chemical imbalance and such things as a depression,mania,and anxiety...there really is no denial or escape,it's just there.
I am beginning to regret my decision to go med free,but I am fighting it tooth and nail,when I have the strength. Some days,I simply don't and I just go with it,probably the most sensible thing a therapist ever taught me. Trying to force yourself to be happy when you're not is just an exercise in futility and setting yourself up for failure.

I am also having some "It did not look like this in the brochure" issues. Only my friend Armando would get that one,but it's funny 'cos it's true.

I made a new friend here but it's such a double edged sword I don't know how to deal.

I am at war with my family,they are already claiming my abrupt departure and the loss of my financial contribution has put them in dire straights. (even though my mom just had like $8000 last month,plus her income,plus she has a roommate,but they're hitting me up for money?????)I'm so fucking pissed off I've severed all contact till I can calm down and deal logically. I'll probably cave,guilt is a great motivator,but at the moment,I'm digging my heels in something fierce. I do not like being pushed or manipulated.
Honestly,I think they're so pissed I haven't come running back that they are determined to make me miserable even from a distance.

There is a new roommate here. Nice girl.(Nothing like a 20 something to make me feel my age,ugh.) The estrogen level is buffered only by the presence of Christina's signficant other,who is an amazing cook and has seemed to put an end to my food apathy. He cracks me up,too.

There is much not within my control at the moment. We have to move in another month or so,but it seems there is a house we have a shot at getting. Unfortunately,it's even further into the suburbs away from stuff,I really have got to learn to work the bus system here. I don't know, I have no regrets coming here,and it has been very good for me and for Courty,I'm just having some sort of delayed shell shock or something.

Being apart from Kat kills me on a daily basis,too,something has to be done about this and soon before I go on a killing spree.
Ok,so I might do the killing spree just out of boredom,but...j/k

I did something today  I hadn't done in more than 10 years due to panic attacks. I went to a mall. And I didn't freak out (hell of a day to break in my new high heeled boots,tho.) and no one started any shit. Though some guy did keep coming up to tell me jesus loves me,which I was like,that has what to do with the price of tea in China? Did I look satanic or something? Actually,I looked all hot rocker chick today,guess Jesus was offended by my cleavage or something?
I have NO idea.

Strange days indeed. I've been feeling pretty disconnected from everyone and keeping to myself when possible.I'm sure I come off cold,but it's self protection more than anything. Most can't handle my moodiness so I fake a smile and say everything is peachy,cos if they started in with the "snap out of it" speech,snapping would be going on,all right,along with phrases like "fuck you" "fuck of" "eat glass" and "die already". Ya know,I'm just so used to handling it on my own,I don't generally ask for anyone's help,then it leads to "You're having a pity party,blah blah blah..."
Actually, I really don't have this issue anymore, Christina and Joe are very understanding,I guess I'mjust so traumatized from the way my family was about the depression that I have a chip on my shoulder. When I was having tearapalooza last week, they both gave me hugs and were very supportive and empathetic.
I actually only want to be surrounded by those kind of people from now on. Anyone who can't have some fucking compassion can,well, eat glass and die already. I have a hard enough time with the ups and downs and panic,hell,I've even been having nightmares.I don't need anyone's negative judgemental attitude,and furthermore,my days of tolerating that shit are DONE.
My tranquility was short lived,but I did have some, and it comes and goes, so I'll cope best I can. I have my super good days,I have good days,I have low days,and I have days where even lighting a cigarette is too much of a challenge. Were it not for talking to Kat, I question whether I would function at all on those days. Fortunately,there have only been a couple of them.
I think for now,I'm in a better place and while some stuff is fucked up,it ain't fucking Illinois,and I'm far from my family, at least.

What I AM ecstatic about is...I'm back to being me. For so long,Illinois had driven me underground,basically,I stayed in,hid out,dressed down,and buried so much of my personality and attitude.
Not anymore.
The old Niki hath returned,better than before. I know who I am now. I'm still clueless as to what my purpose on this planet is,but I know who I am and I like me,I like me a lot. Not to be conceited,but I'm a decent person. Flawed,for sure,but I am not the ogre I was made to believe I was by so many in the past.
No one can make you feel inferior unless you allow them to,and permission to do so to me has been rescinded. Anyone who can't accept me as is and tries to change me will find out what a bitch I can be.
People here have been super accepting,tho. I get a giggle when little kids tug on their mom's hands in stores and say,"Look,she has PINK hair!"
So for various reasons today was a "palm trees in hell" day,but mostly because Kat was away and that always makes me feel out of sorts.
At least it isn't 99 in the shade, I can wear make up and it's not  running down my face ten minutes later. The shopping here is ten times better even if it's all spaced out. I have people who accept and love me for me. It could always be worse.
Is always just an inexplicable mood swing away,but I am learning to control them,or at least,isolate myself so no one else is subjected to them. Which ten years ago,if I was miserable,it felt like my duty to make anyone in my vicinity miserabe,too.
I am ever evolving,and for this I am thankful

(Ooohhh,slamming doors and raised voices in the other room,what have I walked into?No escaping drama,even when it isn't my own.)

Oh,yes,it is that time during the mood swing cycle for one of those "I don't want to be alive" days. Undoubtedly,as they always do,it will pass,but until such time,I am stuck here in this dark mental space and I fucking hate it with a vehement,violent passion.
The mood set in late last night,the mood just crashed and I was very irritatable and spoiling for a fight. (Thankfully,Kat is very wise and knows when to walk away rather than let my insanity bait him.) So I just went to bed,wasn't even midnight, and apparently,I was exhausted because I don't remember tossing and turning at all.
I awoke at 6am,which pissed me off, there simply is NO excuse to be awake that damn early. My mood was still vile. Fortunately,me and Christina talked on IM a bit (I'm too lazy to drag my computer,power cord,and mouse into the other room at that hour) so that cheered me up a bit. She's an amazing woman.
But in addition to the bad mood was an aching back that pratically had me in tears. It happens a lot when you have a big chest (something I wish I could transfer onto all the people who think big boobs are such a great thing) so I took some pills and found myself snoozing most of the day.
Got up around 5pm,had some garlic bread and a shot of cherry vodka and some more pain pills,only this time I took the ones that wouldn't knock me out.
The mood is oh so slowly lifting,thanks mostly to Kat being so wondermously sweet to me,but the darkness does linger. I used to have these moods daily,so I guess my average of one a week now is a vast improvement.
For the most part,I am very content and happy here. Courty is coming out of her shell,as am I,and I think these are great things.
There  are just some nagging thoughts I can't shake and a situation which,while not my fault,it does not sit well with me and creates a complication.
Then there are doubts and worries and fears that I try to lock out,but they creep into my mind insidiously.
At this point,I have more questions than answers and it drives me up a wall.
So today I am in darkspace,but I had many days where I was not so I will take this as the price to be paid for so much happiness and contentment.
I should have seen it coming,anyway,I was manic yesterday and bouncing off walls,sooooo cheerful and peppy and fun. The downside to those moods is always a crash into darkspace.Once upon a time I would have been crying and biting people's heads off and trying to create drama,but now I'm just sort of holed up in my room,quiet and subdued,biding my time till the mood passes.

I think so much of this could be cured if I were just able to be with Kat. The moods are always going to be there,but this sense of depression and yearning could soo easily go away if I were just with him.Would also solve another issue,I think,one I won't get into here.

So life is cool, but my mood is shit. Tomorrow is another day,tho,it should be better.

On a lighter note,it was funny when Christina told me the jehovah's witnesses were here...and i was playing "I love to say fuck."
Yes,this amuses me.
Religion offends me so if they're going to forcefeed it to me, I feel entirely justified in offending them with my views.
Oooh,I was smiling when I wrote that. Being antagonistic kinda works for me.

fingers 11...

"if your body matches what your eyes can do..."

and all i can think about is kat.
===============
i'm a little...

tipsy.
vanilla vodka is the best.
the only way it could be even better is if it involved Kat.
==============
omg omg omg,yayyyyy....

I got to to talk to my honey,Shane.
I call him sexy,he calls me beautiful.
Shane has THE sexiest voice,everything he says sounds so bitchy and snarky and sarcastic. Even when he's being sweet and sincere you have to pause and wonder, "Is he being a bitch or what?" I LOVE IT.
I love him,madly.
He is one of the few people who can call me "babe" and not get verbally eviscerated.
Life has never been kind to him,which baffles me to no end because Shane is one of the most authentic,kindest,most real people there ever was.He'd give you the shirt off his back and his last morsel of food *just because*.
It is my fondest wish for him to find the man of his dreams and live happily ever after because he deserves this.
He is looking for work and i said gigolo is a great gig,and he said he'd have to pay them. NOT. They'd need a federal loan to afford his services. Shane is very very beautiful in every way and those who cannot see this or take advantage of this should be shot.
Shane is my longest relationship ever, we have been thru much together over the years.
I once gave him "the perfect man" for Christmas. It was a gingerbread cookie with a piece of paper that said,"The perfect man-you can bite his head off if he makes you mad."
we still laugh about it.
if all guys were like shane,the world would be a much better place.
===============
christina and joe...

went to bed before 9pm.
but she keeps getting back up due to excrutiating leg cramps.
my mom goes thru the same thing,i feel for them both.
===============
when i finally...

get my grubby little paws on Kat...
i ain't letting go.
===============
wednesday...

"i'm trying to find the fastest way... to blow you the fuck away...i gotta kill you before you kill me..."
=========
some church...

is raising hell about a zombie parade being blashphemous.
a zombie parade is WONDERMOUS.
============
some couple...

allegedly tried to sell their infant daughter on craig's list for $10,000.
that's just sick.
============
this dude...

overdosed and climbed into a morgue freezer with his dead girlfriend's body.
i guess that's true love in the extreme.
============
swiss with my whine....

WHY AM I NOT WITH KAT RIGHT NOW????
Wahhh,call the wambulance.
===============
NIN...

"I'm just an effigy to be disgraced,to be defaced,your need for me has been replaced...and if I can't have everything,well,then just give me a taste..."
============
inappropriate emotion...

bring it on,fuck appropriate.
i want to twist the norm so much it becomes tangled.
==========
obsessions...

don't ever really go away.
they just grow stronger.
==============
nothing...

ever really dies or is buried.
I've tried,god,how I have tried.
some stuff...just lingers.
not even shame makes it go away.
===============
drooling...

over kat.
mmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
sooo very purr.
==============
i am...

black sunshine.
=============
fingers 11...

"I'm not paralyzed,but I seem to be struck by you.,..if your body matches what your eyes can do..."
============
30 stm...

"I won't suffer,be broken, get tired or wasted...surrender to nothing,or give up what I started...run away,run away,I'll attack,run away,run away,go chase yourself..."
==============
LOL...

I was talking to my brother in law earlier and he said my sister was downstairs talking to "the buffalo." '
and I was like,huh?
he meant our stepmom,who goes by the name "buffy".
*teehee*
niiiiiice.
==============
...

"what if i wanted to break, laugh it all off in your face...what would you do...what if I fell to the floor...couldn't take all this anymore...what would you do,do,do...come, break me down...bury me,bury me..."

I still want my Jared Leto lullabye.
I'd totally steal his eyeliner.
Christina has seen 30 stm live.
and she sucks.
:p
================
vanilla vodka...

is my new best friend.
ooooooooohhhhhhhhhh,wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
I'm not drunk,but I am definitely lacking inhibitions.
==============
...

"you say you wanted more,what are you waiting for,I'm not running from you..."
===========
Christina....

bought something called strawberry tequila...
it's quite yummy,but it would knock me on my ass if I did more than gingerly sip it.
HA HA HA,only she would get how funny that is.
================
scowlifornia...

omg,kat is a fucking riot.
===========




The morning after...

vanilla vodka is still high up on my friends list...
but I don't think we need to be THAT close again any time soon.
===============
at the beach yesterday...

there were dozens of squirrels on the grassy area.
itty bitty cutesy squirrels.
they made me think of foamy.
===============
christina...

just informed me i have a great speaking and singing voice.
m'kay,thank you.
(i don't agree but she's sweet.)
==============
yayyyy...

i just got to snuggle up with my baby,courty.
when she is against me purring,it is such a serene content feeling.
i can't believe some told me I was crazy for bringing her with me.
me and courty are a team,i'm grrr and she's prrr.
i cannot fathom life without her.
=============
...

"I'm not paralyzed,but I seem to be struck by you...I wanna make you move,because you're standing still...if your body matches,what your eyes can do..."
==============
the boneyard...

is what this radio station is called.
I asked Christina for background noise earlier,and this is what she put it on,even tho metal isn't really her thing. i LOVE that she is so open minded and doesn't have a "that's ick" attitude.
anyway,any station that plays Ratt,Dokken,AC/DC,Trixter,and Skid Row is on my DO WANT list.
===========
i don't know...

how to react to this stable weather.
every day but one since I got here has been sunny in a cool autumn-esque way.
I thought I'd be baking out here,I know I would be back in Ickannoy,they said it was 83 there the other day.
I don't think it's cracked 70 in the week I've been here.
weather without schizophrenia is very new to me.
am liking it.
but i still say the sun needs a dimmer switch.
=============
in scowlifornia's defense...

I've been wearing this scowl for many years,is a Niki thing,not a California thing.
============
i was...

listenening to FDQ...
and it occurred to me how obnoxious it truly is(sorry,tyko,I love 'em,but it's true.)
but i like obnoxious things.
otherwise i'd have to hate myself at times.
:p
tho I can see why some would call FDQ senseless noise.
you just gotta have a sense of humor.
==================
weird...

I've been having some wicked anxiety attack-esque symptoms today.
No idea why,all I've done is sit indoors.
But the clenched heart,pounding heartbeat,and oh-my-god-this-is-scary feelings have been prominent.
delayed response to the upheaval,maybe?
is strange.
===============
candy flavored liquor..

is kinda evil.
oh so sweet,but it packs a punch when you're not looking.
reminds me of the way Courty looks all cuddly and sweet,till she sinks the back claws and teeth into your hand and goes snarly.
i'll keep 'em both,but I'm a little paranoid of them.
:p
=================
on my computer...

is a sticker Kasey made for me.

"Legally,it's questionable. Morally,disgusting. Personally,I like it."
=============
ha ha ha...

no sooner do i mention courty,she hops up here to snuzzle my hand.
=============
the pool...

was not so cold today, I sat with my feet in it while Piper drank from it.(Chlorinated Kitty:Coming Soon To a Store Near You)
but the wind would have made it unbearable to swim in.
Not that I intend to,I'm not taking any chances of what the chlorine would do to my technicolor hair.
==============
ya know...

when you get something you wanted...
and then realize it ain't exactly that great...
seems this holds true of almost everything i buy anymore.
============
ouch...

Courty just used my flesh as a springboard and the back claws drew blood.
I hate when she does that.
People think just because she's declawed she's harmless but she's still fully armed.
============
xm radio...

is fucking awesome.
===============
i know...

i should've probably kept my mouth shut.
but it simply is not something I am any good at.
one of the most freqeuent things that has been said to me is,"You've got a mouth on you."
like that's a bad thing.
===============
spineless people...

annoy me.
i can like 'em fine,but I don't much respect 'em.
and if i don't respect you and you can't hold your own against me...
you WILL get trampled.
and I'm not sorry.
===============
ugh...

just heard Kiss's version of "I'm 18."
kinda sucky.
but then being a huge alice cooper fan,it is inevitable I would be less than impressed.
tho Megadeth did a decent rendition of his"No More Mr. Nice Guy."
==============
i'm not hypersensitive...

some stuff just pisses me the fuck off.
=============
the other day...

I got like 20 friend requests on myspace.
and all i could think was, wtf,did someone write my name on the bathroom wall?
i'm paranoid because I don't seek people out on there,i let them come to me,but that many in one day was just absurd.
i approved  pretty much all but one was from some gangsta talking chick hitting on me in a vile,crude way.
DENIED.
It baffles me why these people want to be my friend but never say a word to me.I don't know how they even find me, search for "big haired deranged chicks"?
myspace has become increasingly pointless for me,i don't know why i bother except for a couple of people.
but tom and crew get a warm,sincere thank you note for giving me the opportunity to find Kat.
for that reason alone i cannot hold entirely bad feelings against myspace.
==============
maddening...

I just bought these clothes 3 weeks ago...
and they're already loose.
i'm all for getting less fluffy,but i swear i should just wear muumuus until the weight stops coming off so rapidly.
==============
just...

got off the phone with the stepmonster.
"we haven't talked to you in a couple of days,we were worried."
um,they went three or more weeks without talking to me back there.
weird.
===============
lol...

Courty just came running in from her evening frollick by the pool and slide across the floor.
i laughed.
==============
some people...

no matter how hard you wish them dead,they're just too fuckin' evil to die.
i know,its wrong to wish anyone dead.
it's scary,disturbing,but somehow,I'm not sorry.
==============
family guy....

HA HA HA,Lois just dumped wine on this guy so he'd use the shower and her and meg could peep at him thru a hole in the wall.
the family that peeps together keeps together,ha ha.
===============
too cool...

alienware's new desktop pc model is called area 51,that rocks.
i would never pay that much for a computer,but it looks sharp.
==============
if you think...

i am easily offended,you really don't know me.
=============
things...

that cause shame and guilt are gross.
do not want.
=============
assy mghee...

I don't really get this show,but my sister loves it.
==============
adam sandler movies...

proof there is really not intelligent life out there.
===============
i wanna be...

kat's hairbrush.
and live in that amazing hair.
YUM.
SOOOOO DO WANT.
face it,i'd do anything to be close to him,period.
=============
plundered...

i left the key to my storage locker and told my sister to go hog wild.
so apparently they've all been pillaging my stuff.
eh,they can have it,i like feeling unencumbered with junk.
there is only one thing I want these days.
*Kat*.
===============
freaky as fuck...

the TV just went black and it sounded like a demon possession scene in a movie.
really freaked christina out.
i was just like,why does it sound like an exorcism is being performed?
===============
if someone pisses you off...

throw a hedgehog at them.
seriously,some guy got fined for doing this.
i love reading odd news.
===============
apparently...

some prefer to commit crimes while nude.
where do they put the things they steal with no pockets?
:p
=================
it is...

so much fun the way me and christina sit around on our laptops and run our mouths.
============
my family...

 keeps saying "when you come back home..."
I feel right at home here.
i really have no intention of going back there for anything more than a visit,at this point.
 my real home is wherever kat is.
==============
coool....

for $200,000 you can buy a jail complete with razor wire fence.
that would definitely discourage visitors.
===============
huh?


"Officials say visitors to a southwest Ohio jail can't wear plunging necklines, Spandex or see-through garb. The Hamilton County jail said the new dress code also requires guests to wears shirts, shoes and underwear."

I think it's really sweet they're protecting those upstanding prisoners from cleavage,wouldn't want to scar their innocent minds.
Do they pat you down checking for panty lines to ensure you are wearing undies?
=============
you gotta be kidding me...

a british woman was jailed for 90 days for violating an order banning her from blasting Madonna music late at night.
they'd love me blaring wednesday.
I'd probably get 90 years.
:p
=================
a guy...

was arrested at a macy's for carrying a sword around.
personally,I leave my swords at home when I go to department stores,I find the nail gun far more convenient and fashionable.
============
awwwwwwwwww....

courty is beside me in her playkitty pose flopping about happily.
==============
...

"An Illinois woman admitted she stabbed her husband's two pet bearded dragon lizards to get revenge."

That pisses me the fuck off.
no matter how much someone pissed me off,I would never take it out on innocent pets,that's just fuckin' evil.
=============
...

"An Italian pensioner was hospitalised after being stabbed in a dispute over the last slice of cake at all-you-can-eat buffet."

lemme guess,it's called food rage and is considered a mental illness...
============
LOL...

toad venom aphrodisiac.
well,it's not really funny,it killed a man, but he didn't read the instructions so..
it's scary,disturbing,but somehow I'm not sorry.
============
anyone...

who thinks having a big chest is a good thing...
should be subjected to never being looked in the eye,getting gawked at,having problems finding clothing that fits right,and oh, my favorite, the back pain.
while i like filling out my tank top,the hassle involved just makes me wish I had no chest.
i'd be very happy to never again have to think or say,"My eyes are up HERE,hellooooo."
ugh.
==============
i tried...

to lay down cos i'm kinda yawning and feeling sluggish...
but the churning thoughts kicked in,along with the anxiety.
so i took half a klonapin and i hope it knocks me out.
i am not in a good mind frame right now,and I hate it.
===============
it has been ages...

 since i have felt soooo self conscious about the way i look.
it is definitely troll time.
as bad as i feel, that term still makes me want to snicker.
===============

Christina took me to the beach today. I waited MY WHOLE LIFE for that. I took off my shoes and I walked along the water,sand squishy between my toes,it was fucking awesome aside from the ice cold water.The sound of the waves crashing was hynpotic and soothing. I kept thinking how jealous mom and my sister would be when I told them,cos well,I'm a bitch that way,I had to gloat.
I wasn't wild about the sunlight but at least it was cool out and not many people were there. If the universe were at all fair it would have been a moonlight walk with Kat.I sooo dream of that.
Christina got a couple of pics of me,the beach is sooo the star of those photos, which will be sent home to inspire envy and make them hate me even more.
But I got my longest running dream fulfilled and walked in the ocean,I can die happy now,ha ha ha.
Also cool was when we were walking we ran into a dude with a GORGEOUS Burmese python. He was a boy snake,about 7 feet long,and absolutely stunning. He nuzzled our hands and checked us out in true reptilian fashion. Me and Christina agree: we want a pet snake now. Courty and Piper don't get a vote,nor does Joe. LOL.We are girls, girls always get what they want,and we don't care who we have to leave footprints on to do it. :p
The head shop was interesting. First I thought of Kat because it smelled like strawberry incense. Then I heard the exorcism music and thought of Tyler. There were some kick ass dragon and skull things there. We were in a hurry so I just grabbed my coconut incense(YUMYUMYUM).
On the way back I napped because going out really does take a lot out of me. At least it doesn't make me physically ill and hostile now,that's an improvement. I've been out two days in a row tho,so I think tomorrow will be a stay in day. Must do laundry anyway.
We did a vanilla vodka run awhile ago, that stuff mixed with coke is just purrr. I used to drink till I dropped,now I have a shot or two in my soda and I'm good. My reality is no longer so horrid I need to obliterate it with booze.Can't drink vanilla vodka without thinking of Kat..
*perk*

Christina informed me at 4am this morning she heard this pathetic crying and found Courty had gotten locked out in the back yard.(I felt awful,I was so tired I just fell into bed,I assumed Courty was inside,I' a bad catmom) She said Courty came in, ran to my room to check on me, then plopped in her lap. Except when petting commenced, Courty growled at her. She's done this to Joe,as well. Courty has done beautifully with the adaptation,but some personality traits are apparently inherent in animals and humans. (I taught her everything she knows about being a bitch.)
Then this morning Christina got cold and closed the front door and a few minutes later it started banging around in the frame and she said, "Either someone is breaking in or I locked your cat outside." Poor Courty,lol,she's a trooper,tho.
I met Christina's youngest daughter the other night. She was here ten minutes, pointed at me, looked at her mom, and said, "I like her, she stays." Passing muster with a 17 year old (teenagers are fucking brutal) must mean I don't exactly suck.
Becca informed me today that she wants to chop up my brain in a blender and let the pieces float in a lava lite she can keep close to her at all times. Christina wanted to know why I was laughing so I told her and she kind of cackled and said, "Tell Becca I got you first,ha ha ha." My brain is vey coveted.
Christina got some prints of my pics made today and informed me they are going into a frame on the mantle as this is where her family pics go. I thought that was sweet. Her and Joe are very,very,very good to me. (Joe is funny as hell.)
My family was convinced,with my history of not taking to people, that I'd get out here and me and Christina would hate each other. Is very weird,but it's like we've known each other our whole lives, we could easily be sisters.

So...aside from the sucky fact I'm not getting purrr with Kat right now,things are okay.It may be,in fact, vanilla vodka time.
Which just makes me yearn for Kat even more.

I think I may have to enact a ban on some of my favorite candy after reading this.

Got a sweet tooth? Think twice before picking up a Mars candy bar! You should know that candymaker Mars, Inc.—creator of M&M's, Snickers, Twix, Dove, Three Musketeers, Starburst, Skittles, and other candies—funds deadly animal tests, even though there are more reliable human studies and not one of the tests is required by law.

Mars recently funded a deadly experiment on rats to determine the effects of chocolate ingredients on their blood vessels. Experimenters force-fed the rats by shoving plastic tubes down their throats and then cut open the rats' legs to expose an artery, which was clamped shut to block blood flow. After the experiment, the animals were killed. Mars has also funded cruel experiments in which mice were fed a candy ingredient and forced to swim in a pool of a water mixed with white paint. The mice had to find a hidden platform to avoid drowning, only to be killed and dissected later on. In yet another experiment supported by Mars, rats were fed cocoa and anesthetized with carbon dioxide so that their blood could be collected by injecting a needle directly into their hearts, which can lead to internal bleeding and other deadly complications.

Mars' top competitor, Hershey's, has pledged not to fund or conduct experiments on animals. Other major food corporations—including Coca-Cola, PepsiCo, Ocean Spray, Welch's, and POM Wonderful—have also publicly ended animal tests after hearing from PETA.

Original link:
http://www.marscandykills.com/index.asp?c=mckcdykwggl&gclid=CKnN99Caw5MCFRMYagodNH8dCg


I got so mad when I read this, I couldn't think straight. I can't believe this is going on,it's just wrong and sick beyond words.

paradise...

is missing *something*.
in case i'm being subtle,i mean, WHY THE FUCK IS KAT NOT HERE WITH ME????
=============
it...

was cold,gray,and rainy here today.
were it not for the palm trees outside i'd swear i'd never left illinois.
===========
when...

kat is away,i miss him like crazy.
we should've been snuzzled under vellux today.
===========
i...

died around midnight last night,after 40 some hours awake and trekking thru 4 states in under 12 hours.
i was exhausted.
===========
woke up...

at six a.m.
for some reason,i was very depressed.
i can't quite explain it,but i snapped out of it pretty fast.
==========
me and christina...

hung out around the house in our pajamas all morning.
this is working well for me,the company is there if i want it,but i am given plenty of space and privacy.
==============
courty...

alternates between hiding under the bed and coming out to explore.
she snared at piper,christina,and joe today.
i'm proud of her, she usually bites and claws by this point,her self control is impeccable.
:p
=============
at noon...

me and christina ventured out into the rain.
went to the tobacco store, post office(i needed stamps so I can mail tyler some letters),costco,walmart,and a convenience store.
the guy at the smoke shop-who had an accent i couldn't place or even really understand-asked if i was new in town.
ha ha HA,i wear my tourist label well.
was nice,tho,cos no one pointed or stared or made comments about my hair color. they really do just kind of let you be here.
costco was packed and i started to get anxious and annoyed,was glad to get out of there.
the other places I was fine with,even ventured off on my own. Christina gave me one of the phones on her plan to call her if we got seperated and needed an SOS.
once upon a time i would have been so panicked and scared i would have stuck to her side like glue.
at some point all that fell away.
we were gone almost five hours so i was really glad to get back to a safety zone,but all in all,i did wondermously well, which she keeps reiterating. (I guess she was expecting a cowering basketcase.)
=============
fingers11..

christina introduced me to "paralyzer" today. I balked,of course, when she put it on the ipod.
but then i listened. and i liked.
it was almost an impossibility that i wouldn't like a song with a line as dirty as,"I'm imagining a dark space for your place on my face."
followed by the erotic,"If your body matches what your eyes can do, you'll probably move right through me on my way to you."
i generally reject all popular music,but this works for me.
plus it has this funky beat to it that makes me want to dance on tables.:
:p
==============
it was sweet...

when joe bought me two packs of cigarettes today.
him and christina have been so utterly kind to me, they're a lot of fun.
we mostly just stay in watching tv or movies and this suits me so well it's like kismet.
=============
i was irked...

that i couldn't find a vellux blanket today.
the walmart here isn't a superstore and their supply was more limited than the one back in ickannoy.
this place is so big,tho, there's like ten of everything so my search will continue.
if worse comes to worse,i'll order a new one on line,tho i hate paying shipping and handling then waiting.
===========
the bother in law...

wrecked his motorcycle.
driving 90mph,hmmm,didn't see that one coming at all.
=============
crash course...

i was exposed to more ethnic diversity today than ever before in my life.
i know that sort of thing bothers some, but I was just all wide eyed curiosity and wonder.
it's just so awesome because no one looks twice at me here,is a very affluent area but everyone is really friendly and they let you be.which christina told me was how it was for a long time but i couldn't fathom it.
is true,tho.
=============
LOL

when we got back from the airport yesterday, christina commented disgustedly about her "bad neighnborhood."
this is a nicer subdivision than even the wealthiest back in illinois.
no crack dealers across the street is a plus.
===========
...

"your whining and complaining is cutting into my drinking time..."
==========
i am...

possessed.
the exorcism will take place in a week.
you've been warned.
==============
...

"hey,you,don't be late...till death do us party right here on crystal lake.."
=========
i watched...

some live motley crue thing on vh1classic tonight, a channel they didn't have back there.
i rocked the fuck out.
and they made fun of me for the whole hair metal thing.
i don't care,i'm used to it.
i wasn't really amused by their zeppelin and foghat they were so enthralled with.
i don't know when the crue thing was taped,but i swear tommy lee becomes more a fuckin' freak as he gets older. he did the show wearing some sort of crowe-esque white make up,it was actually kind of creepy.
===========
fuckwitted...

christina wrote this HYSTERICAL, scathing comedy thing about a mutual acquaintance from our past.
i laughed so hard i almost fell off the sofa.
she's a good comedy writer.
===========
we...

had supper at 10:30pm.trow
and here i was afraid they'd do things "normally" and blow my family's bizarre timing thing.
===========
joe...

was asking me about the foods i like (he used to be a chef.)
I tried to tell them both i'm not interested in food,i eat what i need to stay alive,little more.
but they both cook and wanted to fix meals i like and i think i hurt their feelings with my food apathy.
i did get a little testy with "what is with everyone wanting to feed me?"
(POSSESSED!!!)
Food apathy seemed kinder than "the sort of thing you eat makes me ill" but i guess short of reciting a list of foods i do like or eating whatever is proffered,feathers were bound to get ruffled.
i'm sorry,it's not personal.
=============
this place...

is soooo big,it's intimidating as fuck.
christina offered me free run of the van and with my fierce independence and need to do  eerything for myself,i will probably start driving soon. i'll get lost for sure, and i'll be freaked out but...
i evolve more and more every day...
===========
i...

miss kat so much.
============
earlier...

i was so tired i started falling asleep on the couch.
so i took a shower and now that it's 12:30AM,i'm kind of wide awake.
they went to bed at 11,so i am on my own,which is way fine with me.
===========
ban lifted..

christina once told me she didn't allow smoking in the house.
that apparently has changed.
i never thought any cigarette would put me off but her vanilla clove cigarettes kind of make me feel sick.
tho they do flavor your lips vanilla after each drag.
==============
...

"if your body matches what your eyes can do,you'll probably move through me on my way to you..."
=======
christina...

wants to take me shopping in mexico before they start requiring more documentation to get in.
i have mixed feelings about it,as i've never been to any country but this one,so it'd be a new experience but i'm not sure i can handle being gone and surrounded by people and activity for such a long period of time.
==========
i'm reading...

a book of christina's about HSP's,Highly Sensitive Persons.
It really explains my aversion to crowds, noise,bright lights,etc.
it says that i am constantly torn because over stimulation freaks me out,but understimulation bores me.
a happy medium is needed,but i'm all extremes,something tyler understands all too well.
===========
lol...

the food debate resulted in christina saying,"Niki,you've got to get protein somehow."
and i just cracked up.
thanks,tyko.
:p
=============
my brother..

graduated from sixth grade the same day i left and he was pretty disappointed i couldn't be there.
so i called him, and they said he was beaming the whole night after that.
i changed locales,i didn't forget anyone.
============
tonight...

was kasey's graduation.
i sent her an email congratulating her.
no one has been forgotten or will be ignored.
=========
courty...

is stretched out on the bed beside me with one paw coverng her eyes.
sooooo cute.
=============
vanilla...

used to be such a good word.
now it just brings on cringe time.
===============
mental midget...

it's funny cos it's true.
==============
i don't think...

i'm quite what joe and christina were expecting.
i'm not always funny or chatty or social,i have quiet me-me-me-times and retreat.
but i've been making an effort not to be anti social.
i don't think they're regretting me being here, just think they were expecting some loud,rude,hyper person.
which i can be when manic.
but the general tone with me is quiet,polite,and calm.
=========
at the airport...

was the first time christina and i had ever met face to face.
i had courty out of her carrier and i heard "you're so big!!!"
LOL,she was talking about the cat.
to me, she said"You're sooo cute!"
then we hugged.
normally that kind of first time meeting would have freaked me out,but it was just really natural and cool.
i think i've found a new family here.
===============
a little...

not thrilled about saturday night.
christina's making some spicy mexican dish and her oldest daughter and her bf are coming for supper.
i'll make a polite appearance then duck back to my room.
i don't do family meals. i feel welcome, that's not it. i just suck when i feel pressured to have conversations with new people.
plus the spicy food would put me into misery but if i say no, feelings get hurt. is easier to just duck out.
==============
kiss cover band...

too funny.
=========
watched...

a dumb movie called hot fuzz.
the corpses were the only redeeming thing in it.
movies just bore me,i couldn't sit still or focus.
================
it's not really...

all that different here than where i was,when it comes to what i'm doing.
i spend all my time on line only here i split time doing it between living room and bedroom.
=============
you always want...

what you can't have.
with me,i usually don't want it till my hand is smacked away and i am told no.
then the desire for it becomes obsessive.
==============
wall of yum...

is back.
purrrrrrrrrrr.
===========
wtf...

i've gotten like 11 myspace friend requests today.
no idea what that's about.
===============
i've been..

leaving the door to my room open during the day so courty can explore,but at night i bring her in here with me and close the door.
and if i leave the room,it isn't  five minutes before she starts meowing and running around the room.
she never did that back ickannoy.
============
1am...

i'm still on central time where it is now 3am,i think it's my bedtime.
tho i have a feeling when i turn out the light i'm just going to toss and turn and be driven insane with racing thoughts.
was kind of hoping that'd change.
=================

Courty and I are safely ensconced at Christina's in beautiful,sunny(ickickick) California. We had an uneventful trip during which she was absolutely silent,did not get ill,and I did not panic nor get us lost. I was,in fact, as eerily calm as her,whereas in the past a trip like this would have had me a basketcase.I have no idea what happened considering how I was so scared and nervous Tuesday I melted down.

There was some turbulence leaving denver,everyone bitched,but i liked it,cos well,i'm deranged.

christina drove by the ocean on the way home,,was the first time I'd ever seen it, god,it was amazing.made me think of kat.

courty and piper keep growling at each other but no fur is flying so all is well.

christina and her guy went to her daughter's dance recital tonight,I stayed home.I just really needed some space and alone time,plus I've been awake for 39 hours so I am wiped out.

All that has been on my agenda today is talking to kat.i live,eat,breathe,and sleep him. I thought of little else on the planes,and i was practically rabid about getting to a net conection today so i could get my fix. dreamy dreamy day spent with him. he will be gone tomorrow and i will miss him like crazy.

ha ha ha HA...

becca has to pull a sleepover tomorrow so she won't talk to me till after my flight.
i said,"I'll catch you IF the plane isn't hijacked."
and she said,"what do you mean, you'll  probably  be the one to hijack it!"
hmm,well,i do have some fierce toenail clippers and a lint brush...
be afraid, be very afraid.
i'll give you a pedicare and rob you of all your lint against your will.
:p
==================
at the dr's office...

there was this lady who wanted to get chatty with me, she wouldn't shut up no matter how disinterested i looked.
at one point i even muttered, "kill me now..."
and she just kept yapping.
pissed me the fuck off.
some people should not be allowed in public without a fuckin' muzzle.
=============
OMG!!!

tyler's going off all his meds,says he is tired of being tired all the time.
its gonna be a bumpy ride but i will surround his lil noggin with fluffy pillows so it doesn't get bruised should he drop to the floor abruptly.
quitting meds is freaky sometimes.
================
awwww....

tyler says he loves me oodles and oodles.
===============
i don't...

deserve kat,i'm totally not worthy.
but i'm thankful from the bottom of my fucked up deranged heart.
there simply are no words adequate enough to convey how much I love him.
================
becca...

texted me at almost 1am...
to say she was missing me.
awwwww.
i have...
the best friends,not only on earth,but in the universe.
I'm not worthy of them,either,but my gratitude is IMMENSE.
==============
i...

referred to tyler's cigarette as a coffin nail.
apparently,he likes the term and is going to use it,but he says he'll give me credit when he does.
damn,i probably owe the person i "borrowed" it from some credit.
i'll be damned if i remember where i heard the term,tho.
the memory is the first thing to go after years of psych meds.
no, not because I'm getting older,i reject that notion.
tho if it would mean good parking spots,i'd totally admit to being ancient and having one foot in the grave.
=================
one foot in the grave...

one foot out of the grave, you turn yourself around and shake it all about,and that's what it's about.
eh,the hokey pokey is gay,i'm calling it the spiffy stiffy.
LOL.
i haven't slept in like 32 hours, sue me for being stupid.
===========
bitch,please....

i was sending myself all my eminem stuff earlier,now i have this song stuck in my head.
============
i don't...

feel so good.
my tummy hurts so bad i can feel it in my back.
damn ulcer.
is why i have to pretty much  eat nothing but  bland food.
==============
stress and nerves...

i'm sure.
tonight will be my last night of sleep here.
once i'm up tomorrow i will be up till after the plane lands thursday morning.
and christina already has me attending her kid's dance recital that night so rest will probably be put off even more.
for the weekend,i'm plopping in bed in front of the computer and not doing a damn thing.well,maybe drinking.
i'll need the recovery time.
==============
that's low...

this lady on tv told her husband she was unable to have children.
because she didn't want to lose her figure to pregnancy.
what a fucking sociopathic bitch.
===============
i realized today...

my general doctor isn't the ass i thought he was.
he's actually a funny,cool guy.
of course now that i'm leaving i learn to like him.
==============
put on...

your big girl panties and suck it up.
'cos christina says so.
==============
and...

tylers gonna take a reduced dose of his seroquel.
tapering off is best.
only idiots like me do it cold turkey.
==============
if you can dish it...

then you better damn well be able to take it.
otherwise, shuddup.
i'm fed up to HERE and THERE with some people's"my rules apply to everyone but myself" attitude.
==================
i dunno...

i have NO idea.
no clue.
maybe i can get in to a taping of wheel of misfortune(wheel...of...FISH!!!) and buy one.
wait,they only sell vowels, damn.
================
it's sad..

when someone drives you so nuts you have to block them.
i haven't had anyone like that on my list in a couple of years but my friends do.
makes me wanna stab the annoying persons in the eye with a hot french fry.
===================
don't...

call me "pretty girl."
that's what i call my cat.
psycho hose beast is less insulting to me,anyway.
===============
do not...

impose your will on me.
it will not be pretty.
i cannot stand being TOLD or MADE to do anything.
===================
my sister...

made tuna casserole today and i called it something vulgar and grossed her out.
i would rather eat a raw pork  chop frappe'd in  a blender than smell tuna, let alone touch it.
i've smelled septic systems that didn't make me that nauseated.
my cat won't touch tuna flavored food or tuna either.
is just fuckin' nasty.
DO NOT WANT.
===================
impromptu guitar jam session...

is going on next door.
is really amusing cos none of them know how to play guitar outside my sister.
and of course the fragile male ego club wouldn't dare allow a woman to show them up.
she could fuckin' smoke their asses on guitar and show them what it means to have balls.
================
i'm...

really tired of "roles".
just count me out,i'll be over there, i see something shiny...
=============
you can never...

go back to "before".
all you have is the "after" and "the now".
some bells...you just can't unring.
================
wednesday...

has this catchy little tune on "fang bang" called "haddonfield",is about the town where the movie Halloween took place.
it's very anthem-y.
i was singing it in the store earlier.
LOL, i said something to tyler about "you don't love wednesday anymore..."
and he said, "don't make me cut off my hair and your hair,take it back..."
THEN he got really cruel and sadistic and mentioned cutting kat's hair,too.
i totally retracted my remark.
"i knew it would work." my gothchild says.
he knows me well and isn't afraid to wave the razor blade near my achilles tendon.
LOL.
======================
can't we all...

just get along?
i may be naive but i am beautifully so.
===============
...

"i'm sick of you...i guess i'll see you in hell,but i know you would ruin that,too..."
===============
have i...

made myself crystal fucking clear?
i own my own beautifully denseness but some put me to shame with their inability to grasp the fucking obvious.
===================
is not a bad thing...

to get  hurt sometimes.
pain reminds you you're alive.
===========
kooky...

christina and i are talking on msn and google,different subject on each,back and forth.
last minute details.
i think we have it all covered.
i think.
===============
i,too,would be irked...

if my significant other kissed me like a sister.
hell,i could get that much from tyler, and i know the pervy boi would cop a feel too just to be naughty.
:p
==============
rinse,lather,repeat...

that's my new term for when things seem to go in a repetitve loop.
============
annoying...

when people say, "I haven't slept in days..."
and what it translates into is, they've slept,just a few hours each night.
when i say i haven't slept in days,it's quite literal.
i have yet to find anyone who can keep up with me.
good for them, sleep if you can, i would be if the sandman wasn't such a fucking bastard.
=============    
is funny...

the way courty likes to plop on my chest...
and block the tv and computer with her big adorable kanga head.
guess she's putting me in my place and making sure my focus is on her and her alone.
ONLY she can get away with this sort of behavior with me.
i'm fond of telling people,"you make a better door than you do window."
translated:YOU'RE IN MY FUCKING WAY,MOVE ALREADY!!!!!
==============
ya know...

all that anxiety about the trip...
is dissipating.
i actually feel pretty calm and stable at the moment.
i'm strong,i'm tough,i can do this.
and i'm gonna lighten the fuck up and have a good time doing it.
(ask me how i feel after i've slept and am not in braindead space)
============
LOL...

Christina said,"putting the two of us together puts males at the risk of extinction."
aye, we got razor sharp tongues on us and we ain't no shrinking violets.
sorry,boys.
we'll make sure the ones we do in get a decent burial.
we're bitches, but we're not monsters.
p
================
epidemic...

two women have issued the same complaint to me this week.
about men using their money to buy weed or using their weed after they smoked all their own.
i have strict rules regarding drugs.
I only pay for my own.
i learned this lesson the hard way more than once.
=============
LOL...

i am on the phone with christina,we're buying liquor.
she said,"we're getting drunk,you can get virtually drunk with me."
ha ha,cool, no hangover.
===============
i predict...

a body bag may be needed once i get to california.
a head is gonna roll.
or two,may skip the body bag and just kick the corpses into a freshly dug grave together.
==============
i hear...

my sister jamming out on guitar.
totally blowing away anything those guys have ever done.
i knew my baby sis would show 'em how it's done.
====================
i was described...

as a "handful".
it made me smile.
cos it's true.
beats being told i'm "hard to handle."
which i totally am,i am not for the weak at heart.
i just resent the notion of "being handled" as if i'm some unruly child.
the niki experience-if you can endure and survive it-is not without its up side.
i have many cool qualities.
they just come with some unsavory stuff.
which i am *trying* to work on.
well worthwhile,tho.
IF you survive.
and if not,well,i have very nice body bags to dispose of the remains.
:p
=================
36 hours awake...

it used to be a game when i was on ephedrine to see how many hours i could stay awake. i liked to brag and shock people.
i'm sure some think that's what i do now.
but it isn't.
i am just amazed at times the energy a bipolar insomniac actually possesses.
the flip side is,if i am low or down,my energy drops to nil and i am all lethargic and narcoleptic.
but when i am manic or stressed or just in insomniac hell...
i could give that pink battery bunny a run for his fuckin' money.
============
i encourage...

others to sleep when they can...
but there is a certain loneliness that comes with being awake at kooky hours and being all alone.
i've battled that feeling all of my life.
===============
LOL,awww,LOL...

christina said, "will you marry me?"
is a running joke we've had a for a long time, that except for sex stuff, we'd make the perfect married couple.
=============
my sister...

is jazzed.
cos i'm leaving anything that i can't take on the plane behind.
and i told her to knock herself out with it.
i've spent too many years tied down to things.
i have a chance at a new life now,may as well throw out the past and start over.
aside from stuff tyler and becca have given me,i could give a fuck about any of it.
=============
worse than..

being alone is being with someone and feeling alone.
thank god i don't have that problem anymore.
i have much empathy for those who do.
i've been there.
kat is never not there for me.
i'm very very very lucky to have him in my life.
===============
wednesday...

"your whining and complaining is cutting into my drinking time..."
LOL.
===================
hmm...

my sister has emailed me 12 forwards.
==============
i love you....

morgue than words can say.
gotta love mr13 for working death into a song about love.
==============
...

"i've got to find the fastest way to make you go the fuck away...i gotta kill you before you kill me..."
===============
insensitivity...

breeds the same.
===================
...

"and the sign up ahead says...welcome to the strange."
============
i'm such a bitch...

because i will purposely *on occasion* mention subjects i know annoy or piss people off.
i have an antagonistic streak a mile wide.
i think it's funny.
i don't drive it into the ground, at least.
just a "passing" mention here and there.
i figure if it were some huge issue,there'd be bitching and i'd have to call a waaaambulance.
eh,my sensitivity went out the window hours ago.
=================
just...

rinse,lather,repeat.
===========
christina...

just asked me to play pogo with her and her daughter,
even if i knew what that was,i'm so drained i don't think i could play dead right now.
wahhh,call a wambulance for me.
and some cheddar with my whine,please.
:p
=================
...

"some things are worth dying for,and baby that ain't me...i'm sorry that you couldn't escape,this curse of me,..."
================
laughing cow cheese...

my question is, what was so funny it resulted in the cow laughing?
==============
earlier...

my sister came in here and declared it was freezing.
i hadn't really noticed, am sort of numb.
earlier me and tyler were talking about either being too hot or too cold,it's like our thermostats are broken.
like everything else about our deranged asses.
:p
====================
i wish...

i were snuggled up next to kat THIS very moment.
how i wish that.
==================
if god had intended for me...

to bend over,he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds.
my sister sends me some funny shit.
===============
AQUARIUS -

The Sweetheart (Jan 20 - Feb 18) Optimistic and honest. Sweet personality. Very independent. Inventive and intelligent. Friendly and loyal. Can seem unemotional. Can be a bit rebellious. Very stubborn, but original and unique.

i don't consider myself a sweetheart,tho i can be sweet when i wanna be. "a bit rebellious" is an insulting understatement. i rebel against myself, for fuck's sake. well today was not one of those unemotional days(I can be such a twat sometimes) but if i go by what my mom says,i apparently am unemotional a majority of the time. stubborn doesn't begin to cover it.
the rest..eh,pretty accurate.
i don't put much stock in astrology,it's just cheap parlor trick amusement.
but everything i have ever read on it has described aquarians as stubborn and creative so maybe there's something to it.
================
yayyy...

it's just before one a.m. and tyko is awake.
mwuhhh.
and he's off to zone out in seroquel land again,lol.
==============
ha ha ha!!!!

tyler's a capricorn,his says "tends to be good looking."
he'll love that, we had this discussion earlier when i told him my new health plan provides private padded rooms to sexy deranged people.
and he denied his own sexiness.
oh to look like that and be so modest...
half a dozen straight women from illinois think he's fuckable.
survey says...
he's just gonna have to deal with the fact he's fucking hot.
:p
=================
wrong...

my sister is an aries,says she's egotistical.
my sister's ego,if it does exist,is infinitesimal.
she's one of the most down to earth non conceited giving people i've ever known.
unless i'm pissed off at her in which case she's a bitch. (and she'd say the same about me)
LOL.
no one gets the dynamic my family has,we insult each other mercilessy when we're mad.
then we calm down, say we're sorry, and move on.
rinse,lather,repeat.
==============
Life ...

should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO what a ride!'
====================
Inside me...

 lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut her up with cookies.
===========
If ...

you can't be a good example -- then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
===========
yayness....

becca's here.
jestering time shall commence.
well,figuratively,she's coming down with the flu.
poor sickly lil jester.
i'd fix her soup but uh, i forgot how to use a can opener.
:p
==========
I'm not ...

going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
==============
Nobody ...

can make you feel inferior without your permission.
-Eleanor Roosevelt-
============
becca..

has yet another nickname for me.
she's now calling me kweedom.
works for me.
tho i adore kwednesday.
============
bex is...

calling off work, she is verrry sick.
yet she still instigates a nudge war.
crafty lil jester.
===============
military time...

annoys me.
i hate having to waste time thinking about it,a clock should just say plainly what time it is,i shoudn't have to do math.
i'm not lazy,i'm just a selective simpleton.
===============
what...

did i say this time...
i have NO idea...
rinse,lather,repeat.
===================
21.5 hours from now...

i'll be in a car en route to lambert field airport in st louis.
with my sweetie pie,miss courty.
christina said not to look at it as losing my sister,but gaining another one.
she says she's going to protect me.
awwww.
ive always been the one doing that sort of thing so it might be a nice change knowing someone has my back for a change.
tick,tock,my future is waiting to begin...
i'm psyched.
my biggest concern at this point is for courty's well being.
===============
my sister...

is letting cory go to the airport with us to say bye to me, she's going to call him off school since it will be in the middle of the night.
i hope he doesn't sob and hug me and say "don't leave, aunt niki..."
that'll yank the heart strings and probably get me crying.
i hope he'll hold true to his gender and just be indifferent.
=============
LOL...

becca put up the msn lips emoti and said, have an infected kiss.
well, i can't say she never gave me nothing.
:p
jester cooties, cooooool.
=============
a screw up...

on yahoo.
go figure,is like being surprised when it rains in seattle.
=========
i should...

be curled up under this vellux blanket with kat.
and until the day it happens,i am going to complain and moan and pout.
===========
grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr....

WHY AM I STILL FUCKING AWAKE AT 1:49 AM??????????????
i have a bit of a headache and i'm tired,but sleepy?not even.
not to mention i didn't eat today so my tummy is protesting the neglect.
it's not natural for anyone not on illegal drugs to still be this wound after 39 hours awake.
and i'm on nothing.
===============
what is with...

"The Catcher and The Rye"?
i had a friend and that was his fave book, he basically browbeat me into reading it.
I thought it was fucking boring as hell.
maybe that's good,i'm not packing a copy around so i must not be a serial killer.
tho...one of MY favorite books is "Two of A Kind:The Hillside Stranglers" by Darcy O'Brien.
It's just a well written true account of a very well publicized series of murders.
kenneth bianchi was a scary dude, trying to-and fooling some professionals-with the multiple personality defense.
sociopaths freak me out.
with no conscience...well,is just scary.
but i am fascinated with what makes some people kill,and keep killing.
some are abused,some had normal loving families,some were just born bad...
psychopathology is very interesting, i love to study and analyze.
===============
christina...

is in happyland.
i recognize those vodka typos all too well.
=============

i will...

NOT be broken.
================
the more...

an issue is pushed with me....
the more i dig in my heels.
i do things my way,in my own time.
forcing it just defeats the purpose.
==============
let's....

go to war.
after my flight,since hand grenades aren't allowed on board i'll need time to restock.:p
==============
...

i could really give a fuck now.
that ain't my motherfuckin' problem.
==============
i will...

but i won't like it.
===========
rinse,lather,repeat...

give it a fuckin' rest,already.
this guy on tv has been pissing and moaning about his cheating wife for three scenes.
some don't know how to cut it the fuck loose.
i know it's fiction,it still irks me.
just...shut..up.
=============
if...

i had known that by opening that door,it was going to be this way...
i'd have left the door closed.
=============
6am...

"this is my branch,this is not you branch..."
birdie seranade time.
last time i looked at the clock it was 3aM and my sister just woke me with cinnasticks.
yeah,3 hours of sleep,my sloth like nature is pretty bad.
i was so frustrated and irked with not being able to sleep this morning.
but my body sleeps when it wants to.
and when it doesn't want to sleep,forcing the issue is futile.
==============
talking to...

tyler. he's in detached lower-seroquel-dose land.
i know all about it.
there are few meds i don't know about.
the ones that worked for me i can count on one hand.
but hey,i'm a great reference for side effects.
some would make me feel guilty for my med history but they,too,can bite me.
i'm off the stuff now and doing ok,but if that changes,i won't hesitate to go back on them.
i've seen such dark mental places no amount of judgement could compare to the abject terror i feel of returning to that blackness,ever.
meds are there,if you need them, and there is nothing wrong with needing them.
also nothing wrong with not needing them.
after 15 years on them, tho,i'm enjoying not being tied to various pill bottles morning,noon,and night.
and i don't miss the weight it put on me or the side effects,at all.
it's just nice to know they are there IF I ever need them again.
================
it's...

4:30 in ca and christina is telling me she got very sick.
i remember my friend vodka very well.
i don't miss the self imposed alcohol poisoning,at all.
whatever potential i may have had of becoming my former lush-like self seems to have fallen away.
just don't need it anymore.
no meds,no booze,no ephedrine. when i go on the wagon,i go all out.
feels good.
tho if anyone tries to part me from my cigarettes,it could get ugly.
that particular addiction...i'm not ready to give up yet.
i <3 my coffin nails.
plus it pisses civilized folk off and,well,i'm an antagonistic little bitch.
===============
awwww....

courty is purring in my lap.
after tonight,she probably won't purr for awhile.
i'm gonna be on the kitty shit list.
will be a trip to the store for furry mice and jingly balls to atone.
the airline says to put a favorite toy in the carrier to comfort them but courty doesn't really have a favorite toy. she has tons of toys,but none she really seems to favor.
actually she's just as mesmerized by a balled up piece of paper or socks or even my can of aqua net.
was funny the last time i bought new blush brushes,she packed them all over the room.
awww,my baby made a friend.
LOL.
i hid the $35 brush i just got last saturday,tho.
(no,i didn't pay that much,was the catalog list price,i got a cheapie deal.)
awww,the birdies are telling courty all about their branches.
told her,"listen to the flying cat food."
ha ha HA, that's what kat calls them,i think it's adorable.
============
 told christina...

to sleep it off today and not to forget to pick my ass up tomorrow.
she's  been counting the days down for two weeks now,i don't think amnesia would make her forget me and courty.
i hope piper has her body armor on,courty may be in ass kicking mode.
my lil hell cat.
==============
am...

thinking about kat big time.
never not thinking of him,but...it's really profound this morning.
maybe because technically speaking, i am,with this trip,putting more space between us.
but he has his meow things going on all summer,so i'm really not gonna be living anywhere different,i'll still be inside the computer morning,noon, and night.
becca expressed interest that this was going to change but christina and i are both kinda homebody net whores.
i'm good for the moment,but thoughts of perpetual summer,vellux blankies,and jello fishbowls are on my mind.
there's someone i yearn to share those things with in a way that makes me ache.
that is the day i am living for.
everything else is to be endured.
==================
how fitting...

playing wednesday on a wednesday morning.
any day is a good day for him,tho.
i made a playlist of ALL the music i own he was involved in and named it "all things wednesday".
is pretty much the only thing i've been playing for days.
i just like the mindframe it puts me into.

"some things are worth dying for..and baby that ain't me...i'm sorry that you couldn't escape, this curse of me..."
===========
lol...

i'm a little sad but i've been sleeping with the laptop,leaving it on.
everyone i love is in here,tho,i like keeping them close to me.
i shoulda gotten a laptop a long time ago.
my own stubbornness and unwillingness to try new things is my own worst enemy at times.
but i keep the stubbornness around just to annoy those who think they can impose their will upon me.
=============
...

"your whining and complaining is cutting into my drinking time..."

wednesday makes me laugh soooo much,maybe too much.
===============
christina...

is as amused as me by me being called fragile.
some confuse vulnerability with fragility.
it just makes me want to bury that soft side of me even more.
i am nothing but strength and those who think otherwise...don't know me at all.
transferring at its finest,she says.
uh huh.
=================
i'm thinking...

once this trip is over...
i need to take a few steps way the fuck back.
==============
...

"welcome to creature feature,number 13...scream baby scream..."
=============
i told christina...

i like silver,but think gold is ick.
and she said, "I do both,i'm bi."
LOL.
============
and...

"we don't need a reason..to give you all a fucking beating.."
===========
i run hot...

till something makes me run cold.
=============
the only...

emotion i am at all comfortable with is laughter.
when i get serious, that's when the problems set in.
===========
christina and i...

are visiting the MMP,the Musician Masturbation Pages.
ie;,myspace music pages.
we're soooo gonna burn in hell for what we have planned.
is one thing to promote your music, is another entirely to use it as cyber datingland.
some egos are so fragile and require so much stroking,it's truly sad.
ugh,musicans.
(kat does not count,he is an artist.)
christina and i are going to wreak sooo much havoc,is gonna be so much fun.
men will be crying and running to their therapists.
fitting,considering men are the reason we needed therapy to begin with.
(does not include tyler or kat,they are anomalies for their gender)
i really should feel bad for being evil and enjoying it.
but i don't.
that's one of my sociopathic traits.
i am quite ok with this,tho.
===============
it's only...

8:30am,i feel like i've been up forever already.
diurnal is not my thing, at all.
==============
burial...

does not work.
the fucking unexpected resurrections are a bitch.
============
make....

me feel good in one way or another or don't fuckin' bother me.
(***credit given to tyler for this gem.)
============
ha ha ha...

"he likes to rock out,with his cock hanging out..."

mr 13 cracks me up.
==========
demmit...

the airline's no hand grenade policy irks me.
can't mail them,either,so my sister inherits my stash.
LOL.
i actually somewhere have a dead grenade bought at the military surplus store,used it as a paper weight.
and this ginormous bullet.
what can i say,my exes got me interesting gifts.
teddy bears and boxes of chocolate don't impress me.
weapons...now that gets my attention.
tho if the chocolate came in a coffin shaped box and the teddy bear was impaled on a knife and bloody...(fran sent me a picture of one for v'tine's day,i laughed my ass off cos he like, totally gets me)
that's fuckin' sweet.
romance IS dead, cos i killed it and am dancing with its corpse.
=============
let..

the games begin.
*rubs hands together excitedly*
fucking with sociopaths is too much fun.
two pissed off crazy women trump sociopathic,any day.
revenge is a dish best served doused in vodka and set on fire in a crowded building with no sprinkler system.
=============
my sister...

sent me this household tips thing.
and it says putting some vodka into your shampoo makes your hair shiny and promotes growth.
think i'll try it with vanilla vodka,i can smell intoxicatingly yummy.
i'm still gonna grow so much hair i can build a treehouse up in it.
hairtopia,man.
i'm the mayor there.
============
i challenge...

others because i can.
they challenged me first.
:p
===============
oooh...

mom's got shopping bags,i gonna go see what she got me.
LOL.
is my running joke, any time someone goes out and comes back, i ask, "what'd you get me????"
it makes people laugh.
plus they like to say, "not a damn thing, what'd you get me?"
i gots you this decaying corpse over here,isn't it lovely and it stinks real purdy like...
(i get some of THE best lines ever from tyko.)
=============
feed my addictions...

mommy got me soda and smokes.
woooo hooo.
plus she let me pick out what's for supper.
i went with pizza.
so no one has to be bothered with cooking a meal.
gawd,it's only 9am,we can't get the pizza till 5pm at least.
i gonna be a hungry motherfucker.
===============
eeeevil....

christina and i are evil evil evil bitches.
plus we're crafty as fuck.
brains+spite=fun.
i've never had a partner in crime before aside from ryan and shane.
those who think i am soo sweet...
should avert their eyes so that opinion isn't shattered.
cos i'm about to be very not sweet.
i try to tell people not to fuck with me,the tolerant nice girl bit only goes so far,then out comes the evil streak.
those who ignore warnings kind of have what's coming to them.
===============
i suspect...

but i can't prove.
YET.
==============
i don't know...

where all the bodies are buried.
which is why i'm gonna show up with a bulldozer and dig up the whole place.
i'll find what is being obscured.
secrets...never stay secrets.
which is why i don't keep them.
covert ops is great if you're a navy seal.
otherwise,it's just a mind fuck game.
do not want.
i'll be on the back lot,digging stuff up.
not the kind of dirt i'm looking for,tho.
if i find any corpses or skeletons..
i get first dance,demmit.
i know,i'm a ghoul.
it's sexxxy.
:p
==============
...

"erase myself from the human race..."

i wish i could.
i'd make a lousy vulcan,i lack logic,but i could totally be a klingon.
shuddup,i like trek.
====================
when i grow up...

i wanna be a thorn in YOUR paw.
and i'm gonna make your paw sore, and it will get infected, and you'll get sick, and be in misery, and then you will die.
and i'll dance with your corpse.
LOL.
i'm big on corpse dancing right now, i have NO idea why.
it makes me laugh.
==============
...

"i ain't got a fuckin' problem...i just love to say fuck...i could really give a fuck now...that ain't my motherfuckin' problem..."
============
...

"one nation,under fuck..."

that's a pledge of allegiance i could remember and say with pride.
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.
ha ha,i totally want that manson "god of fuck" shirt now.
oh,do i offend you? I didn't mean to,but you being offended offends me so let's talk about me and how you make me feel bad cos you're mean.
(and my msn display name becomes "goddess of fuck.")
==========
...

"it's scary,disturbing,but somehow I'm not sorry..."
============
...

"sometimes i give myself the creeps..."

i detest greenday but the song "basketcase" was written for me.
that and "give me novacaine",i crave mental novacaine most of the time, numb is wondermous.
demmit,that jester has infected me with greenday.
is ok,i gave her the gift of wednesday.
:p
================
if...

you don't like it, i don't care.
your whiny insignificant feelings have been duly noted.
and disregarded.
i'm not mean,you're all sissies.
==========
...

"all i want for christmas is a custom lined casket, black velvet interior,and oh..a bucket of chicken."

my dad once tried to buy us burial plots as christmas gifts.
i thought it was macabre,in an uncool way.
if we were worth anything dead, i do believe he'd hasten our demise.
but,in all fairness, were he worth anything dead,we'd probably off him,too.
==============
...

"signs that we had fun..now we're waking up with scratches on our backs and flesh underneath our nails..."

hmmm,sounds like a good date to me.
================
LOL...

is gonna be amusing at the airport when they check my luggage by hand...
and find my cat o nine tails whip.
i shoulda probably mailed that,but i'm rather fond of it,we've been together 15 years.it's functional decor:D
well,at least it's not a hand grenade.
:p
==================
...

"sing it out loud..if you're evil and you're proud.."

LA LA LA LA LA LA.
I'm singing cos i'm evil and i'm proud,demmit.
===========
so much havoc...

can be wreaked with nothing more than a laptop and a net connection.
no need to leave the house.
===========
i need...

a new biker hat.
not big on hats, i have a black beret(gay but good at holding the hair back),that's it.
i don't know what happened to my harley emblem biker hat.
since i'm unencumbering myself from all my junk...
i'll just get a new one.
i think that's possibly one of the most exciting things about going to california.
better shopping outlets.
this place has starved me that way.
maybe i can find some cool clothes that don't look like they belong at a fucking hoedown.
christina wants to dress me up like a doll..
i gonna be a rocker/goth chick doll.
perhaps with a little living dead girl zombie thrown in.
i don't like digital cameras, they are cruel, but i will indulge her if she can make me look not ick.
i just never want to revisit my vain shallow "aren't i pretty" days,ugh. i used to make out with cameras,i loved having my image immortalized. (poloroid instants and 110 film were very very kind to me.)
it wasn't who i was,anyway,it was what someone else wanted me to be. so i could be shown off like an accessory.
i didn't like the objectification then(i fucking loathe it now),but i learned to work with it.
those days are long behind me, thankfully.
i'm rather irked by picture whores who have to post a pic every time they blink. and wtf,some people will post absolutely uflattering pictures,being that needy for attention is really sad.i don't need to see you with milk coming out of your nose or passed out in your own vomit,ewwww.
i'm just really off the whole looks thing,i don't even make snarky eye candy comments anymore. i'm kind of repulsed by the idea.
the only eye candy i want or need is kat.
i fell in love with that brilliant mind, the gorgeous face is just icing on an already yummy perfect cake.
as for myself...looks mean shit, any mindless idiot can look good.
it took work to become smart.
being called brainy means more to me than any comment on my looks ever could or will.
not that i reject kind remarks,at all, but i don't require them to exist. i accept that while not repulsive,i am also no raving beauty.
fortunately,i have a lot of other great qualities that kind of make looks irrelevant.
in all honesty,i could live in leggings,baggy t shirts, and slinky tank tops. clothes don't much interest me.
tho hanging out with another woman, i may catch that girly clothes whore virus.
*shudder*
clothes aren't my thing.
my thing is jewelry. cheap stuff.
you simply cannot own enough wristbands with chains and skulls.
i think i have six pairs of handcuff earrings.
(I need new handcuffs now,too,yummmm.)
there is only one exception i would make to my anti clothes/shopping aversion.
if i could drag tyler by his purdy hair to the store with me,i'd be game.
gay guys have the best test, and a goth one...omg,that'd be fun.
yanking him by his hair alone would be fun,tho.
:p
=============
...

it's a brave new world in nikiland.
things are gonna change.
those not on board can drink bleach.
my days of being hindered by others are over.
i've spent years caving to my family's "you can't leave us, we'd miss you,boo hoo" manipulations.
my family still can't believe i am actually leaving this time.
probably because this trip has been planned and cancelled more than once before.
this time...it is going to happen.
no looking back.
in the "how long  before she comes running home" pool, dad has the most faith in me, he says three months, everyone else is at mere weeks.
warm-not hot-weather,beautiful scenery,beaches,an in ground pool,a best friend/sister to hang out with,internet,liquor..
hmm.
oh,yeah,who wouldn't rush back to extreme weather,living next to crackhouses in a place with 8 other people,and a lake so polluted dead fish are popping up everywhere.
20 hours and 8 minutes till that plane takes me the fuck out of here.
tick tock, hurry the fuck up.
===============
...

"i've got to find the fastest way to make you go the fuck away,i gotta kill you before you kill me..."
=============
==================
vanilla...

used to be a lovely word. is one of my favorite flavors,too.
now most of the time it just makes me cringe.
==================
i cannot...

nor have i ever been able to occupy one particular mindspace for long periods of time.
it always drove me nuts when people would say shit like, "you're quiet,you were so much fun the other night..."
i cannot be happy fun niki at all times and i resent the expectation all to fuck.
why everyone else is allowed their moods and downtime and i am not pisses me the fuck off.
if you want 24-7 fun,get a party girl on coke.
hell,get a fuckin' clown.
i'm moody and i'm not sorry.
that people are oblivious to how unreal an expectation "be fun all the time" is annoys me.
there are times i feel this crushing pressure to be fun and funny and entertaining and it just isn't happening so i wind up hostile and pissy.
and it makes my desire for self isolation even more intense.
only with a handful of people can i be my true self,no expectations,no pressure,no disappointment or abandonment if i'm not in a good mood.
sometimes it irks me when becca repeatedly apologizes for being low or quiet.i have no expectations of her except to be herself,whoever that is at the moment,quiet,low,goofy,profound,whatever. she has NOTHING to be sorry for.
if you love and truly accept someone, you don't think "well,they're boring today,i'm out of here."
is not the job of others to amuse me,and vice versa.
those who think otherwise deserve to be bored and disappointed.
==============
i hate...

these email forwards where it says if you don't return it to that person, you obviously don't care about them.
UGH.
so gay.
and those chain comments on myspace are annoying "return this to ten people and the love of your life will propose."
blah blah blah.
i never return these things anymore. it's not that i don't care. it's just that i'm not 12 years old.
================
intelligence..

does not make up for emotional immaturity.
i've met some bright people who had the emotional iq of a kindergartner.
==============
what is it...

with "only child syndrome"?
you can always tell those who had no siblings, they're extremely self involved and don't like to share.
i was on an only child till i was 5 and they announced mom was going to spawn.
i burst into tears and sat in the drive dumping handfuls of gravel into my hair,ordering them to take the baby back to where it came from.
then when i was six,this purdy little bald girl appeared with bright blue eyes and i KNEW my purpose was to be her big sister and protect and love her.
the day they brought her home i insisted on going into the store and overseeing the purchase of diapers and such,i wanted to be sure they didn't go cheap on my kid sis.
i would feed and rock her while mom did housework and cooked.
because of the age difference we weren't real close for a long time, but we were always there for each other,i basically raised her while our parents worked.
when we got older we did get close.
i'm actually grateful i have a sister.
those without siblings kind of get ripped off.
=============
ha ha HA....

"a hard on does not count as personal growth."

LOLOL.
================
i asked...

paul about his *obsession*.
is a running joke that he's got a thing for david hasselhoof.
oh we make fun of that guy something fierce, we have for years.
paul said he needed a woman and i said my mom was single so he said sweet.
and i told him she actually does have a thing for hasselhoof,he was on one of her soaps back in the day.
and paul was like, "forget it."
ha ha ha.
i question the hearing of germans because hasselhoof is a huge music star there. ugh.
his acting on baywatch was a riot.
so yeah,pretty much anything hasselhoof related makes me laugh.
i like it when my mom goes on about how sexy he is and i say,"He's gay." that gets her riled up.
if that's sexy...
sign me up for the nunnery.
=============
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

this has been a test of the emergency broadcast system...
ANNOYING.
unless a tornado is on the front step,don't fuckin' bother me.
============
i don't do...

voice chat.
i have only done that a handful of times, and only with christina and one other person.
for starters,i don't like having to turn my music down.plus i feel put on the spot to come up with conversation at all times.
then there's the fact...
i can't stand my own voice,i sound like a fucking hick.
christina says i have a sexy sultry voice.
um...her hearing should be checked out with that of german music fans.
i dunno, i kinda look around when the word "sexy" is used in reference to me.
================
oooh...

stepmom's truck broke down,i have to go pick her up.
i probably won't be driving for a long while after today so i should enjoy it.
==============
wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....

sydney is gone.
sydney being my car.
stepmonster took it home with her, they're going to take care of it till i figure out what to do with myself long term.
i can guarentee i'll only come back here if homeless or christina turns out to be a soccer mom.
LOL.
=================
is true...

when i love someone...i am always there for them,even if i have to drop everything and rush to their side.
the subject came up because for years the stepmonster and my dad have been trying to figure out why our brother is more bonded to me than to our sister.
best i could come up with was after dad left mom to be with the new family,brandi kind of shut them out and i was there, babysitting, helping with whatever was needed. buddy was only three,i guess it made an impact on him,me just being there.
apparently the stepmom asked him why he takes more to me than brandi and he simply said, "niki was always there."
i am fiercely loyal and dependable when it comes to those i love.
is a trait i take pride in.
i think this came about because right after i moved out of home, my sister had some sort of reaction to my absence and mom showed up at my door,practically begging me to help her mollify brandi. but i was 18 and had a date and blew it off.
is not something i am proud of and it still causes me deep regret and shame to this day.
i vowed to never be that self absorbed again.
is fun to be with those who like you.
but it should never be at the expense of those who love you.
like is superficial.
love is what's real.
================
making demands of me...

will get you nowhere.
i respond better to requests.
"you're going to do this for me" is a big FAIL.
"will you do this for me?" is much better.
approach is key in getting what you want out of me.
=================
i...

miss kat when he's not about.
oh,how i miss him..
=============
i still..

have not befriended the touch mouse pad on this thing.
it kept pissing me off so i've just been using my laser mouse.
it makes sense i can't get along with something as temperamental as myself.
:p
=================
hmm...

tyler's been noticeably absent all morning, not like him.
i've been thru seroquel detachment tho, you can't really do much but zone out.
is the kind of thing that keeps you on a drug,because you can't otherwise function at any decent level.
i've spent many weeks coming off a med and sorta there but not there at all.
it sucks.
but once it's done and your mind clears,it's all good.
lucidity is my friend now,i like it very much.
=============
american airlines...

is going to start charging $15 for the first checked bag,$25 for the second.
what,now they're charging you for needing clothes and staying gone overnight?
sadder still is their plan to lay off thousands of workers.
unless you've been there you don't know,but some people live check to check and count on their jobs to support their families.
is depressing.
===========
i'm not much on this election...

but i commend obama for not stooping to hilary's level with the trash talk.
that classiness alone would make me vote for him,if i cared enough to be bothered.
POP ROCKS FOR PRESIDENT,demmit.
============
you know i'm bored...

when i start reading news headlines.
i kind of like being oblivious to what's going on around me in the world.
self protection,news is too demoralizing.
=============
yayyy....

tyler made an appearance.
he really brightens up my days.
in a totally dark way that won't affect his status as a goth.
:p
==============
no no no...

tyler had to take his effexor,he had a crash.
that is NOT a drug you quit cold turkey.
i did in the 90's before the XR formula and i had bad withdrawal, hallucinations, dizziness, blocks of missing time.
and then i did it again in like 2005,because i was between shrinks and couldnt get a script so i said fuck it.
it was a nightmare,worse than quitting xanax abruptly.
i'm glad i am *lucky* enough to be off the meds, but it's subject to change at any time,i am never not going to be bipolar and the genetic inclination toward depression will always be there.
if meds keep you stable and sane, keep 'em.
i didn't quit mine deliberately,i just got tired of certain ones making me ill daily.
i eventually phased them all out and expected the worst,but i was surprised.
i know a lot of people who abruptly quit meds and never need them again.
i hope i am one of them.
but if not, i'm not so stubborn i'm going to refuse something that can help.
there is NO shame in needing meds.
anyone who thinks otherwise is an asshole.
============
happy medium...

what a dreamy term.
DO WANT.
===========
i have...

over 1100 saved emails from kat on yahoo.
but we don't spend much time talking at all
:p
====================
is like any other day...

someone is mowing their yard.
the kids at the school up the street are on recess.
this could be my last day here ever.
but im not the least bit sad, nostalgic,or even nervous.
with clarity comes tranquility,i suppose.
this is something i have to do.
scared whiny time is over.
i'm going to a better place.
till i can be with kat in an even better place.
==============
LMAO...

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/new_hefty_ad_campaign_targets_body

New Hefty Ad Campaign Targets Body-Disposing Demographic

Woo hoo, that will help clean up my dance partners after i'm done with them.
what's even funnier is my mom works for Pactiv,making trash bags.
bad mommy, she didn't bring me home any samples.
i love this site,is so funny.
================
theonion.com...

is satire at its best,mocking news headlines.
sample topics this week:
New Roommate Hopes Five Hour Fuckfest Didn't Keep You Up
Nation Suspects Leads in Local High School Musical May Be Dating
Everything Falling Apart,reports Institute for Holding It All Together
Nation's Slicked Back Hair Men Rally Against Negative Hollywood Portrayal
San Diego Zoo,Prison Merge (HA ha,i'm arriving in san diego tomorrow)


too funny.
==============
mind fuck games...

are annoying.
do not want.
=============
ya know what...

kat's music is amazing.
it just blows me the fuck away.
and its not some "my significant other can do no wrong" thing.
i just love his creativity,he is soooo talented.
==============
word of the day...

trenchant.
biting,severe,caustic.
melikes.
i'm the queen of trenchant remarks.
is meant in a sarcastic ha ha fashion.
unless you piss me off, then i toss in extra venom.
dad doesn't call me and mom pit vipers without just cause.
================
name 5 things you CANNOT live without...

m'kay.
computer,internet,courty,cigarettes,and kat.
that was easy.
duh.
my addictions are well defined.
=============
ha ha...

i want this shirt...
"i enjoy yelling at things."
i needed it this last weekend,i was screaming like a banshee cos nothing was going right for three days straight.
i'm generally pretty good about not yelling at people,unless driving in traffic.
i tend to take my anger out on inanimate objects.
the wall has the dents to prove it,too.
===========
in my bedroom you'll find...

uh,all i technically have is a bedroom so pretty much ALL my shit.
which after today is confined to two suitcases, a laptop case, and a pet carrier.
it actually feels very freeing to not be tethered to a bunch of things.
only tethering i want now is when i'm playing tethercorpse.
tho i'm not opposed to being tethered to kat, i just don't think he'd appreciate the imposition on his personal space.
============
i'm not...

gonna change.
i'll evolve and become a better person.
but my core values will remain the same.
those who have tried to change me and "succeeded" eventually found out i'm very adaptable,i can acclimate well and put on a good act to keep the peace.
but it never sticks,in the end i am simply driven to be myself.
============
shocknina...

"do you like a woman's cry...does it really turn you on..."
=============
i don't get...

inflicting pain to get one's jollies.
i have a sadistic streak, for sure, but the turn on is purely psychological and does NOT apply to anyone i give a damn about.
it just baffles me how inflicting pain is a turn on.
but then i also don't grasp the concept of getting pleasure from pain, i've had that conversation with tyler many many times.
to each their own but...
i just don't get it, guess i'm not wired that wayd
=================
and it all fell away...

i was rather annoyed with someone but they said the right words...
and all is forgiven and peachy.
(ha ha,can't say that word without thinking of tyko)
"sorry" is a powerful word.
and it carries a lot of weight with me.
now more than ever.
is such an easy thing to do, apologize.
so why do a lot of people refuse to do it?
i can be rude, crude, and insensitive.
but common manners and courtesy are still very important to me.
please,thank you, you're welcome.
and when you hurt or offend someone, whether you meant to or not, you SAY YOU'RE SORRY.
hell,half the time i don't even care if it's sincere,it's just customary,the way you say "bless you" when someone sneezes, even if you're not particularly religious.
being polite is very under rated.
================
yesterday...

was not a good day for me emotionally.
i spazzed out, had a mini breakdown.
yes, there were tears (GIRLY,ugh).
i didn't handle myself with any grace.
i did not like feeling vulnerable and needy.
think those parts of me need to die screaming.
but i got over it, and i am MUCH better today,more stable.
==============
christina says...

 if anyone ever makes me cry again, theyre going to have to deal with her.
and she was there during a lot of my tearfests,she knows that does not come easy for me.
i gotta be mortally wounded or cracking up for tears to emerge.
if you hurt me bad enough to make me cry...
christina will kick your ass,chew you up, and spit out the gristle.
================
where are you...


*taps foot impatiently*
i'm waiting...
being kept waiting is one of my pet peeves.
i want it now, and yesterday would be even better.
==========
ha ha..

i'm like a contortionist,some of these positions i twist myself into while on line.
tho the laptop has made it much more comfy to do.
i thought it would be too awkward having sat at a desk so long. i actually figured it'd suck so much i'd be yearning to go back to a desktop.
surprise,surprise,i like it a lot.
was thinking earlier how nice it'd be on a cold night to curl up in bed under vellux with this thing.
but hey,i'm going to cali, cold is a thing of the past.
till perpetual autumn is found.
===========
LOL...

as christina's new roomie,i am going to request she allow me to live vicariously thru her by slipping a note under my door to let me know any time she and her man are having a fuckfest.
LOL.
i love that term,fuckfest.
it makes me laugh.
the onion is great for those.
==================
courty...

is molesting,er,bathing herself again.
i could do without the sound effects,miss thing.
============
even...

my shrink says it's all YOUR fucking fault.

never mind me,i've been looking at sarcastic funny new buttons for my jacket.
==========
no...

i won't go out with you,i don't date outside my species.
============
i'm not...

your type,i'm not inflatable.
===========
if it doesn't have teeth...

it can't bite.
(ha ha,my mom thinks that one is vulgar,and i own it so apparently,i'm offensive.)
=============
to quote skid row...

"fuck you,man,if you can't take a joke."
===========
huuuungry....

not eating yesterday has resulted in my having a ravenous appetite today.
i wish i could talk mom into shrooms on the pizza,i have a yen for them for some reason.
she's the only person i know more picky about food than i am.
no shrooms on pizza but she'll eat saur kraut.
ewwwwwwwwwwwww.
ok,that made me forget i was hungry.
================
i want this shirt...

"i'm so good in bed,i scream my own name and when i'm done, the neighbors need a smoke."
==========
ha!

someone else who is annoyed by that jared guy who does the subway commercials.
anyone that cheerful should be shot, anyway.
============
proof positive...

that beauty in pictures and reality are two different things.
http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/nationworld/chi-celebmugshots-pg,0,4453477.photogallery
arrested and charged with biting her bf,that's funny.
================
i did not know...

my guy from csi got arrested.
drugs are sooo evil.
as cheesy as it is, just say no.
====================
speaking of drugs...

it both amuses  me how "health" nuts will reject even aspirin,cut you down for smoking, but see no problem with using weed.
i'm not very knowledgeable about healthy things,but i'm pretty sure pot isn't in the food pyramid or on any doctor's "this will make you live longer" list.
people are funny.
================
the village people...

make me laugh.
we used to do the ymca dance when i hung out in the gay drag clubs,it was hysterical and fun.
good times.
==========
wish...

 i coulda seen shane before i left,he owes me serious sofa snuggle time while watching cheesy sitcoms and medical dramas.
============
...

"some things are worth dying for, and baby,that ain't me..i'm sorry that you couldn't escape, this curse of me..."
=============
booooooored....

i'm pretty sure boredom kills,i feel brain cells dying from lack of stimulation.
=============
LOL...

omg,kid rock is wearing this huge ass smile in his mugshot.
he musta been high.
tho kudos for getting into a brawl at a waffle house.
==============
whoa...

george clinton looks scary in this mug shot.
he's got some wild ass hair.
his music is interesting,i like that funk vibe.
ugh,arrested for possession of crack, how cliche.
===========
i don't get...

why people would use a drug called crack.
i'm with denis leary on that one.
=================
i lied...

to charlotte's bill collector.
she told me to tell them she wasn't here.
bill collector's are like cockroaches anyway.
============
they're...

arguing over whose car to use to take me to the airport.
bloody hell, i don't care, just get me there.
"get me to the airport,put me on a plane, hurry hurry hurry,before i go insane."
OOOh,nice way to work in a ramones lyric.
=========
my sister...

asked me if i am nervous.
i really am not.
no one's more shocked than me.
===========
Um...NO

everyone does not "get horny" due to the music of enigma.
god, some people are so stupid.
and i really despise the word "horny",is so adolescent and like something out of porky's,when people use it in a "sexy" way.(when i hear it all i think of is austin powers,NOT SEXY)
now when tyler uses it to describe himself,it's just funny.
=================
too funny...

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/local_bar_comes_out_as_gay
===========
ha ha HA...

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/new_get_the_fuck_outta_the_road
==========
i need...

a nap...
but it's not happening.
===========
matt...

was making fun of me for "being stupid and taking your cat" to california with me.
fuck you,too.
courty is my baby.
guys can be really cold,you don't abandon the ones you are bonded to and love for a stupid summer vacation.
============
i hope...

courty and piper make fast friends.
it would be good for them.
plus courty will have another aunt now.
but then maybe i should just hope for mutual tolerance and indifference.
i don't want courty further traumatized when we leave and she loses a playmate.
i reiterate,this is just until i can be with kat.
is all im really living for anymore.
===============
someone...

asked, "What are you doing on line?"
and i was like wtf,i'm never not on line.
"but you're leaving tomorrow,don't you need to be out doing stuff?"
like?
i'm packed, the papers are in order,the pet carrier is set,my car has been taken care of,i have cash.
what am i supposed to be doing, pacing the floor and biting my nails?
ugh.
============
lol...

http://www.theonion.com/content/infograph/florida_legalizes_taking_guns
==============
awww....

tyler says he's going to miss me tomorrow morning.
so sweet.
two of the most important people in my life are on east coast time, and california is three hours behind so my schedule is going to have to be adapted.
they are far more important than clinging to any time schedule i am accustomed to. (whether the insomnia will agree or not remains to be seen.)
becca will be 8 hours ahead and with her work schedule it's going to be hit or miss.
but we will undoubtedly arrange dates so we can spend time together.
my locale is changing, what matters most to me is not.
================
disappointment...

sucks.
================
...

"come...break...me...down...bury me,bury me..."
================
if i'm not...

with kat by christmas i'm gonna go on a killing spree.
or...someone could send him to me as a gift,no wrapping paper necessary.
it wouldn't stay on long anyway.
===============
my sister...

was talking about how their friends have a bunch of dogs and none of them had water or anything.
people like that deserve to be tortured.
turning them in would barely get a slap on the wrist,but they might be less inclined to neglect the poor dogs.
torturing them would just be fun and i'd consider it justice for the poor doggies.
it's funny,i have no problem being cruel to those i dislike.
animal abusers are the worst.
=============
...

"and the sign up ahead says..welcome to the strange.."
===========
when...

i got back on line this year...
i had lots and lots of friends i talked to all the time.
at one point tho the demands on my time drove me to yank out clumps of hair.
now the only ones i speak to daily are tyler,bex,and christina.
i am more than fine with this.
tyler and becca are my day time dates.
christina i talk to whenever,but she's not a night owl like me,so is mostly during the day
which is fine.
it leaves me free to devote my nights entirely to kat.
but i talk to him any time i can,am obsessed.
but nights...that's our time.
============
i was telling mom and my sister...

how courty just bit me from out of nowhere the other day.
and my mom said, "Your cat's mean, she's a biter."
both my felines are and i wouldn't have it any other way.
i like feistiness.
============
 a clear message...

as opposed to a cloudy one.
=============
kat...

is so very beautiful.
he's everything i ever dreamed of.
==============
my family...

is freaking out.
"how can you NOT be nervous?"
"are you SURE you want to do this?"
"you could always back out,this is your home..."

not nervous, yes,i am sure i want to do this, and no,i'm not backing out but this will always be "home" in the sense it is where my family is.
15 years of my life was spent in a panicky depressed state doing what made others happy.
now is me time.
till i can be with kat, then it is our purrr time.
=============
funny cos it's true...

http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/computer_being_stupid

Computer Being Stupid
mine does this often.
both of them.
tho the other day we had a war with the desktop and the printer,it didn't want to do its damn job.
so i did yell at it.
doesn't do a damn bit of good but...
i like to yell at things.
==============
tech support...

made me think of a true story a phone rep from a computer tech line submitted.
where this lady called in and said the computer screen was black.
so he asked if it was plugged in.
she said she didn't know.
so he told her to follow the cord to the outlet.
and she said she had done that,but still couldn't tell because she couldn't see anything.
and he asked why not. she said it was dark. he told her to turn on a light.
THIS IS FUCKING CLASSIC, SHE MUSTA BEEN A BLONDE-
"I can't,we just had a blackout,the whole building is dark."
the tech told her to find the box, pack up the computer,and return it because she was too stupid to own it.
ha ha ha hA.
=============
matt...

is using the desktop to print out a map to the airport.
tick tock...
===========
last chance..

to transfer music from the desktop to the laptop.
well,not really,i can always nag my sister to do via msn if i have to,i just would rather not bug her.
================
i panicked earlier...

because my net went down. the wireless was up,but the cable net it's connected to went out.
it was only like four minutes but i felt crippled.
freaked me out.
==========
my dad...

called from on the road to tell me bye.
and that he loves me.
which i never hear.
funny how everyone gets emotive now that i'm leaving.
they pretty much viewed me as furniture that would always be here.
the furniture is moving itself.
:p
=============
mom...

changed her mind and is going to the airport with us.
she's gonna bawl, i know it.
dad's worried she'll have a nervous breakdown like the last time i went to california.
not likely,being married to him was what drove her into the hospital,me being gone just made it worse.
============
i got...

my shroom pizza.
mom rocks.
==============
...

"i'm gonna find the fastest way...to blow you the fuck away...i gotta kill you before you kill me..."
============
i think...

my plane should be going in the opposite direction tomorrow.
the east coast has a very dreamy feline i want to make mine.
=============
matt's brother...

is gay. as in stupidly silly.
he wouldn't give us matt's cell number because he didn't have matt's permission to give it to us.
um...dude,matt lives here,is not like some covert op going on where he's hiding from us.
==============
tick tock...

8pm.
Four hours and counting.
i'm not a bit nervous,which shocks the fuck out of me.
i guess when something is right and meant to be...
that stuff falls away.
====================
tyler...

mentioned his med probs and i told him it'd be a bumpy ride.
and he said, "as long as i have my honey,and i have you, I'll be fine."
he's got me for life, and beyond,as our ashes will be arguing over gel pens when they are scattered in the stationery aisle.
(i'm such a paper whore,i even packed post its,ha ha HA)
==============
10pm...

tick,tock.
mom and brandi are in tears.
mom just said, " you don't wanna go,do you?"
but alas,i do.
i must.
==============
11:08pm

Gar and Kasey came by to say bye. Kasey hugged me.
i guess i will be deeply missed.
i told everyone if they can get out there,Christina has issued an open invitation to them all in her home.
==========
i guess...

i should put on shoes and prepare miss courty for the impending ordeal.
for the record,i am absolutely calm, not a tremor, no panic,just this sort of peace I'm not sure I've ever felt before.
=============
i'd better..

post this before i go so tyko has his daily reading fix.(he'll probably assume i was too busy and not bother to check,but i am never too busy to rant and rave,lol)
============
on an end note...

I LOVE KAT.
my future is in perpetual autumn land with him.
it is all i think about, and what i am existing for.
as long as i am with him...all else can fall away.
==================
and on an end end note...

this is my last entry written in ickannoy,er,illinois.
the next time i rant...i will be getting poisoned by the horrid california sushine.
tyler and bex...I LOVE YOU!!!!!Mwuhhhhh!
I'll catch you in, oh, about 13 hours if you're about.
============
end end end note...

kat has my heart.
no matter where my physical being is...
my heart is with him.
===============

today..

has seemed interminably long, even tyler thought so. he was contemplating boycotting tomorrow and invited me to join him.
LOL.
can i boycott my consciousness of flying thursday?
=============
i've been...

overdosing on Ebay today.
i have enough junk,i don't need more.
but i waaaaaant it.
i bid on some jewelry,no houses or cars.
it made me forget what lays ahead of me, at least.
===============
dommy selfish bitch..

made an appearance today.
that's what i call the side of my personality i don't much like and neither does anyone else.
is necessary to avoid getting fucked over yet again.
i'm not fond of that side of me, but i respect it.
she takes "thou shalt not take any more shit" VERY seriously.
my nice girl side was putting up with things that made my dommy bitch side homicidally angry.
i want to be nice,don't get me wrong, i love to give and make others happy.
it was just starting to feel like that side of me was being taken advantage of so little miss dommy "what's in it for me" came out to play briefly.
it seems to have solved the problem.
for now.
i have no doubt i'll be seeing her again in the near future.
until people stop trying to dominate and objectify me...
dommy bitch is going to come out to play a lot.
BUT, whereas in the past it would have been an attack full of curse words and insults...
i've gotten a grip and learned to assert myself in a firm,logical manner.
evilution,er,evolution at its finest.
:p
=======================
...

"rigor mortis has been kind to you and left you in a sexy pose...I'm so happily...ever cadaver..."
============
i got...

viciously snarky earlier when my sister informed me that Joey wants to move in with them,into my room, as soon as i'm  out the door.
pissed me off,let me get gone before you fuckin' evict me.
not to mention i'd kinda like to have a place to come back to IF things don't work out.
"but joey's having a tough time with money..."
oh, wah, anyone who could blow five grand on a TV does not get my sympathy.
whatever,i'm out of here and i'll live in the street before i come back here, they can have joey and all his whining.
it just irks me, god, wait till i'm gone at least.
==============
my stepmonster...

was going on today about how she's bonded to me and is going to miss me  and could we spend some time together before i leave.
she's barely noticed my presence for years,now suddenly we're buddies.
it was just a day for people annoying and pissing me off,apparently.
===============
classy...

my nephew informed me as soon as i am out of this room...
he's going to turn the closet into a portapotty.
he won't drink tap water cos  it's unsanitary and  gross..
but THAT is cool?
my family's gross out factor raises daily.
==================
i'm not nice...

my sis and her husband are already having problems with their motorcycle...
and secretly,i laughed.
sometimes,i just wanna ask my mom why it is they get everything handed to them but I've had to do for myself since I was sixteen.
i'm not proud that i feel that way,but it is what it is.
===================
i did...

get a chuckle when stepmonster-who prides herself on being an expert on everything,including computers,looked at my laptop and said, "So, you're playing a cd."
i said no,i ripped a bunch of cd's onto the hard drive.
and she asked what it means to rip.
ha ha HA.
is so funny when know it alls show how little they truly know.
=====================
if...

kat gets any dreamier...
i'm gonna melt into a pool on the floor and be absorbed by the carpet.
================
was funny earlier...

when courty was in kitten mode, tearing around the room with her toys like the tasmanian devil.
after thursday,she may never be the same again.
and don't think i don't feel guilty  as fuck for putting her through it.
but i wouldn't feel any better if i left her here.
i just don't believe in throwing away those closest to me, even if it would be less stressful or cheaper or whatever.
she belongs with me, wherever i'm going to be.
==================
...

"i'm so sick of you,i guess i'll see you in hell,but i'm sure you would ruin that,too...you'll be the death of me, baby, you're my home sweet homicide..."

Wednesday REALLY gets love.
:p
============
becca...

was very silly tonight.
it was funny.
but i'm still gonna say "jestering" whether she likes it or not.
:p
=================
i am...

all packed.
couldn't fit it all in the luggage so i'm mailing myself a few things.
i still have the feeling i'm gonna forget something it will bug me not to have.
==============
2am...

ugh,just remembered i have a doctor's appt. at 10:30 this morning.
i have to go, but i don't wanna.
dumb receptionist,she asked what time i prefer and i said afternoons,so how the fuck did i get morning.
when people don't listen to me,it makes me want to stab them in the eye with a hot french fry.
================
matt...

is on the good time gang's shitlist.
he apparently smoked their cigarettes and didn't  share when he got his own.
we do keep score of such things.
'cos, ya know,we're petty that way.
==============
wtf....

is with this stupid keyboard,i keep having to press space twice.
this laptop acts just as,if not more,spazzy than my desktop ever did.
==============
the x files are on....

i guess i'm weird,but there is something oddly calming and comforting about this show.
i love to fall asleep with it on in the background.
Getting all seasons on dvd will be my next undertaking.
provided i'm not spending all my money on courty's therapy bills.
==============
it's funny...

how women are termed "feminazis" simply because they refuse to put up with shit.
the days of females being subservient and suffering in silence  are long gone, there are those who need to get used to it.
now the "i am woman,hear me roar" types take it too far.
hear me bore is more like it.
half the time,i forget my gender entirely cos i'm just too damn busy being myself to give it a thought, is almost a mere default.
but when males try to"put me in my place"....
i do get irritated and almost violently assertive.
i prefer to think of myself as a "personazi" because no one, regardless of gender, likes being condescended to.
============
kasey...

got my sister this awesome spiked choker.
and i said to my sister, "I see your husband has you wearing your collar."
she said, "Like hell,he can kiss my ass before i'd wear a collar for him."
dommy bitch runs in the family.
============
cigarette smoking man...

is EEEEVIL.
i kinda admire anyone that evil,it shows a level of sociopathy that is frightening.
the x files would have been very bland without his character wreaking havoc and fucking with the good people.
===============
it...

rained like a mofo tonight,sounded like sleet coming down.
was a cold rain,tho.
rain always pisses me off cos i should always be beneath vellux snuzzling with kat during it.
==============
crunch munch crunch...

courty is eating.
i've postponed starting her diet till we get settled out there.
the poor baby has enough change to deal with without me starving her.
and denying an animal food is as good as starving them,to me.
she's my baby, i don't like to deny her anything.
i feel bad doing so,actually.
even if it is for her own good.
================
4am...

and i'm wide awake.
it gets fucking old.
is about to get worse because i did not refill my seroquel.
so i will be without a net in california.
it will probably drive me stark raving mad.
ha ha,if you see a california bronco chase on  TV,it ain't OJ,it's just me cracking my lids due to insomnia.
=============
tongue biting time...

is about to come to an end.
i've had about all i can take.
==================

Well,now I'd be my friend, but a few years ago,I'd have kicked my own ass.
I was reading an old journal and omg, talk about dark, depressing, mamby pamby oh-woe-is-me bitching and moaning. UGH.
Thing is, at the time it was totally sincere and authentic. I was THAT miserable.
All I can say is thank the sacred fucking cow those days are over.
Reading it all I could think was, "I don't like this person,at all."
I'm amazed I have the same friends I did then, I would have told me to fuck off.Which is just further evidence that I have the best friends on the planet.
No wonder I can't tolerate whiners,it reminds me of how I used to be.
If my memory wasn't shit,I'd hunt down EVERY blog written before this last year and delete them all. I thought at the time sharing my misery made me brave or something. It just made me a sad pathetic miserably nasty horrid little being. Anyway, THAT particular blog has been cleansed,it is now blank.I may fuck with it at some point but this one is at least funny at times and while I may rant,I don't wallow. Much.
Is kind of amazing how I went from suicidal misery in 2005 to my current unmedicated semi-bliss. If I can get better,I have to believe anyone can. The insomnia and anxiety remain but at least I'm not all "I wanna die" every other day. Gah, now I understand why no one wanted to be with me.
But I best not get too cocky because as fast as I "got well" I could backslide and downward spiral all over again. Good mental health is to be appreciated because it can slip away in the blink of an eye. I am not without gratitude for whatever forces brought me out of my former darkness.
And to those who saw me at my worst and stuck around anyway.....
I FUCKING LOVE YOU!!!!!

a nervous breakdown...

may be imminent.
i'm a jumpy mess.
plus all i've had to listen to since the moment i woke up is screaming kids.
nothing has gone right for me today.
but i'm halfway packed at least
been screaming and cursing a lot,not to mention holding my head.
my legs were shaking so bad earlier mom asked if i was on speed.
just a nervous wreck.
she got snarky,"no one is making you do this, this was your idea."
funny but no one made her have surgery last year and she was a fucking wreck then.
i'm about fed up to HERE with everyone's "it's ok for me but not for you" attitude
FUCK YOU!!!!!!
=================
tis funny...

how people sorta get weird when you treat them the way they've been treating you.
guess they don't like being administered a dose of their own medicine.
too fuckin' bad
i give what i get.
=============
there are...

certain things i'm not sure i can live with.
but i'm trying.
oh,how i am trying.
===========================
that's just the way...

i am.
not an excuse.
just a fact.
it amuses me that others reject this phrase but are often the ones most guilty of having that attitude.
at least i TRY to evolve and become a better person.
=======================
you really don't...

want to hurt my feelings.
You'd be better off making me mad.
I get over anger pretty fast.
hurt feelings...i don't handle so well.
now if it was truly unintentional and you're sorry..
i'll let it go...
but if you blow it off indifferently...
it sort of just festers and metastasizes.
anger sets in.
annoyance.
spite.
resentment.
rage.
fury.
hatred.
it's a natural progresssion of emotion for me.
being ignored and dismissed as if my feelings are insignificant pisses me the fuck off.
i'll cut it loose.
on the surface.
but it will bubble beneath the surface.
and eventually it will froth over the top in a vitrolic, cruel manner.
i'm dangerous when provoked.
and vicious.
just don't go there.
i hurt feelings better than anyone ever could, and that's when i'm not even trying.
you don't want to know what i am capable of when i intend to cause emotional pain.
==========================
if...

you deny reality and live in your own little fantasyland...
you deserve to be disillusioned.
i live in my own little world but i don't deny reality, at all.
it is what it is.
=================
my family...

has a pool going on how long i'll be gone before i come running back home.
for that, i will stay until doomsday just to spite them all.
==================
ha ha HA...

i really am an antagonistic little bitch when set off.
==============
the kids...

are outside the window yelling their heads off.
on my last motherfucking nerve.
i generally like all kids, i don't believe there is such thing as a bad kid.
but cory's little friends...
i see prison bars in their futures.
if not an eventual state sanctioned execution.
===================
...

"I could really give a fuck now...that ain't my motherfuckin' problem..."

That's my new mantra.
because i'm sick of everyone else's issues with me.
go the fuck away if you don't like the way i am.
i never said i was all that great or nice.
guess they thought they could change me to be what they want or need me to be.
i'd say sorry for disappointing them but...I could really give a fuck now, that ain't my motherfuckin' problem.
:p
===================
the skeletons...

in my closet are rattling about, reminding me they've not gone anywhere.
i hear them.
they're just on ignore.
till they kick my ass,anyway
==================
nothing...

stays buried.
============
i don't know...

how much longer i can bite my tongue.
=================
arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

give it a motherfuckin' rest already.
those with a one track mind need lobotomized.
and i need tranquilizers before I pop off and say or do something not nice.
========================
i really resent...

limitations placed on me by others.
i'm all for keeping the peace but much more silence..
and i'm gonna be singing "let's go to war."
============
might be...

nail clipper time.
accidentally somehow hooked a nail on the keyboard yesteday and popped the "m" off.
==========
there are those...

i can talk to about anything.
and then there are those where alot of subjects have been forbidden.
kinda pisses me off.
being censored this way makes me go distant.
and inevitably i'll hear, "you hardly talk to me anymore,did i do something?"
my tolerance for people was low to begin with but lately,it's even lower.
and is about to become nill.
===============
LOL

i was checking to see what i can pack,and on the list it says;"hand grenades-no."
demmit,they foiled my plot.
who the fuck tries to take a hand grenade on a plane aside from terrorists,anyway?
===============
oh gawd...

christina wants to dress me up and take pictures of me.
fifteen years ago i would have said YAY.
now it's like, eh, if you must...
but the scowl stays.
=============
i'm....

laying down as i write this.
laptops rock.
=============
i had...

my mom paint my nails black for me tonight..
and i'll be damned if one isn't already chipped.
==============
gross out...

of the year award goes to me,
it takes a lot to make my sister go "ewwwwwww."
i have a gift.
====================
...

"i guess i'll see you in hell,but i'm sure you would ruin that,too..."
==============
wednesday...

has a song about digging graves while dressed in drag.
was probably written about his FDQ days.
their look would have scared the fuck out of me had i not been so busy laughing.
=============
ha ha ha...


"we got nothin' to lose but our lives..."
a song about partying at crystal lake.
i'd never do that,it seems to lure machete wielding dudes in hockey masks.
is freaky cos there actually is a crystal lake in IL.
jason vorhees wouldn't be caught dead or alive there,tho.
================
i'm not mean...

everyone else is just a sissy.
my sister said, "you eat guys for breakfast,don't you?"
hmm.
only the tender ones.
the gristle-y ones are for supper.
:p
===============
....

"i got to find the fastest way to make you go the fuck away...i gotta kill you before you kill me..."
=============
i don't like to carry on...

is so dreadfully girly but...
KAT IS YUMMY!!!!!!!
he's holding my heart hostage.
============
i don't remember...

what exactly was said but tyler said something to the extent of, "don't make me become unsubmissive..."
it made me laugh.
him and becca are my little submissives.
but they've got a dommy streak,too.
is good, cos i run over passive people without hitting the brakes.
==========
we all...

have our issues.
i have more issues than a newspaper morgue.
but i think it makes me more interesting.
perfection bores me.
imperfection...is beautiful.
============
some...

are just damn lucky.
my sister's man got stopped for doing 90 on his motorcycle.
and the cop didn't give him a ticket.
meanwhile,i get no seatbelt tickets at every turn.
seems to me doing 90 is more dangerous than my willingness to go thru a windshied.
whatever luck was intended for me...
was given to others.
i'm not whining,just making a statement.
==============
smile empty soul...

"I do it for the drugs,i do it just to feel alive...i do it for the love...that i get from the bottom of a bottle..."
=============
oh nooooo...

i forgot christina has a teenage daughter.
who has friends who stay over.
teenagers and me...don't mesh.
especially those of the xy inclination.
i'll lay low when they're around.
=============
LOL

christina said she was going to hell so i said i'd save her a seat.
and she said,"Good, i don't wanna be where you aren't."
awwwwww.
people either loooooovee me to itty bitty pieces or hate me to smithereens.
i'm good either way.
============
awwww....

christina just said she's getting me a bottle of hot damn100 and a dozen packs of pop rocks to meet me at the airport with.
she's gonna spoil my ass.
and get me plastered, apparently.
==============
those without...

anxiety/panic disorder...
just dont get it.
they don't even try, is some "snap out of it" thing with them.
the best way i can explain it to them is,imagine being in a car crash, that moment of absolute terror...
that's what i go thru every time i have a panic attack,except it's not over in a flash.
============
lol...

my brother in law brought his buddy into my room to show him how big courty is.
you'd think she was mammoth the way people act.
she's just a big girl,is all.
===============
mom...

refuses to go to the airport with us.
says she'd cry too much.
oh,yeah,mom's a crier, for sure.
but i understand, i've been pretty much a daily part of her life for so long...
dad called and said bye, he's on the road all week.
i'll miss my family but this place..
no fucking way.
================
ha ha ha...

christina's status message:"excavating your room, you know who you are."
me? lil old me?
=================

I was not shy about the fact I did not care for Wednesday's second album, "Fang Bang".

But, I also admit, I played it maybe three times before I accidentally stepped on the disc and broke it.

It recently occurred to me I should give it another listen, but eh, I'm lazy.I did buy a new copy,though, and left it sitting around. But then I spoke to a friend who was very critical of  "Skeletons" and intimated that perhaps Wednesday had hit his peak and was slipping. I was rather baffled and stunned because the new album, to me, is the best solo release of Mr. 13 to date. It shows that he has grown both as a person, and an artist.

So tonight I glanced "Fang Bang" laying about, ripped it to my drive, and let it play.

It made me laugh, a lot.

Which is what I expect of anything relating to Wednesday 13.

So, I've rethought my former position and while it is not like "Skeletons" which I play without skipping a single track,it is actually NOT a bad album. It has some catchy sing-a-long tunes and the lyrics are a horror movie fan's wet dream. It's delivered in such a darkly humorous fashion I  found myself laughing uproariously. I have a feeling I will be playing it a lot.

The "Bloodwork" EP has not entirely grown on me yet, which is NOT to say I dislike it. The '07 version of "I love To Say Fuck" is deliriously funny and full of that "fuck you,I'd rather slit your throat than look at you" Wednesday vibe I love. The acoustic versions (Wednesday,Unplugged,not fit for MTV,LOL) of "My Demise" and "Skeletons" are very dark,moody, and good. The other three songs I will likely grow to love, when I am done playing "Skeletons" in repeat in say,2012.

There are those who think Wednesday is nothing more than some goofy image to be mocked with disdain and dismissed, and they are certainly entitled to their (wrong and insignificant) opinion. I have a lot of respect for the man and his music. Chopin it ain't, but then, Chopin doesn't make me headbang and laugh my ass off. 

Creativity should be respected in all of its forms. I make fun of some music, but it really isn't done in a judgemental "this has no merit" fashion. You like what you like, and you don't like what you don't like. To each their own. My friends and I have very different musical tastes for the most part and only occasionally share common ground, but to me,this is a good thing. For years my sister and I have often clashed musically, and yet, I have opened her up to bands she otherwise would not have given the time of day, and vice versa. I appreciate the diversity in my tastes compared to those close to me. (Yes, even those who like what I call "exorcism" music.)

This experience has,for me, driven home a point I have maintained all along. Opening your mind is required to avoid limiting yourself. Nobody ever learned a thing from having a closed mind. Whether it's music or other aspects of life.I'm not saying  you'll like something simply because you are open to it, but hey, give it a whirl. I was initially violently opposed to the idea of computers and the internet. Had I kept that stubborn, narrow minded point of view, I never would have met my best friends or the love of my life.

Now I'm thinking I may have to rethink  some of my other opinions because "Fang Bang" is a hell of a lot fun and I'd have known it had I not been clinging to my own stupidity.

Loud music,death,horror movies,and a fuck you attitude...All my favorite things in the form of one Wednesday 13. What's not to fucking love?

i have no...

idea when i finally fell asleep. was after 2am.
I kept waking up every hour or two, was annoying.
i was up by nine am.
i'm tired of banging my head against the fucking wall.
"if it wasn't for the blood i wouldn't know it at all."
only tyler will truly get that.
but him and becca know all about how insomnia makes you nuts.
============
i am...

so thankful for my friends.
no matter how low i am..
tyler,bex,and christina always make me laugh.
============
i've been...

calling tyler my painslut.
he thanks me.
LOL.
===============
OMG...

fran said he doesn't like the new wednesday.
i cannot fathom this because i love it so much.
that bitch is going to see wednesday,i'm so jealous.
=============
tyler...

said i'm purdimous.
aww,thankies baby.
===========
tyko..

is going out today for four hours and very anxious.
i know the feeling, thinking about airports and planes has me a basketcase.
this morning i was so frozen with terror, i told myself,"You can back out and avoid feeling this way."
but i really can't, this is something I have to do.
the ends will make the means seem insignificant.
strangely being in a new place doesn't bother me at all, where i am being a recluse really isn't an issue as long as one store has pop rocks and meow mix for courty.
it's flying and airports that freak me the fuck out.
until i survive it,tho,i am in knots.
================
new trend...

tears,again.
now it's just pissing me off.
i'm stressed, panicked, and scared, tho so it's easily explained.
i don't get it, at all, how this crying thing works with me.
there was a day i could cry on command.
and then i  just got really hard and cold and that went away.
i don't want to burst into tears over every tiny thing, but i also don't like feeling like i'm so crippled i can't cry.
so occasional teariness is acceptable,i suppose.
just seems so girly.
plus it's been driven into my skull for years that  crying is a sign of weakness, a notion i did and do reject, crying takes courage, which is a sign of strength.
anyway, the tears are gone now and i'm feeling less freaked out and shaky.
=====================
dream theater...

there is no point to or excuse for this band or their fans.
LOL,only christina will truly understand this vitrolic statement.
but it was true for me before '06, and holds true now.
my friend ryan always liked them and i just shook my head.
ya know how they burn "offensive" books?
I'd like to stage a burning of all dream theater records.
i find them offensive.
for sooo many reasons, but mainly because their music just sucks.
==============
i love...

that my sister and i can discuss music at the drop of a hat.
our tastes are both similar but different.
i think this is one of the reasons we've always been so close, this love of music.
she has some nerve making fun of me for liking a hanson song.
she downloaded a white stripes album.
wtf is that? they suck,loudly.
================
LOL

Becca: "I don't have to bratsit tonight."
How I surrounded myself with people who dislike kids is beyond me.
even christina, who has kids, acts at times like she envies animals who eat their young.
i think kids are pretty cool,actually, they always tell you the truth, they don't sugarcoat things.
you don't have to want kids to like them.
they're also useful at places like chuck e cheese where showing up without kids would result in ending up on some government kiddie perv list.
:p
====================
not another one...

my stupid thick hair just busted yet another hair clip.
i must be at a hundred by now.
tyler knows all about this shit.
i have one clip that can handle my mop.
================
i've gone thru...

a pack of smokes in under four hours.
to say i am stressed would be an insulting understatement.
===============
ohhh....

matt is apparently taking me to the airport.
but my sister is going with.
ok.
they better leave their weapons and weed and turbans at home,I don't want issues with homeland security.
ok,the turban comment was uncalled for but it's funny.
eh,fuck you,i have enough friends.
:p
==================
jealousy...

becca ordered a ham and pineapple pizza,which is my favorite,
lucky her.
one thing about it, living with christina  i'll be able to order a pizza and not have to feed 7 or 8 other people.
assuming the health conscious state does indeed sell pizza.
:p
i actually had the BEST pizza ever at this little by-the-slice place in Hollywood years ago.
Christina hates L.A. but I predict I will be driven to visit with or without her. Nostalgia is a powerful thing.
=============
that's not right...

i don't remember who said it to me but someone made a comment that those without math skills are not intelligent people.
i disagree.
i'm great at basic math, but algebra and such screws my head up bad.
that's like me saying anyone without my affinity for grammar and writing can't be intelligent.
such bullshit.
============
sit still demmit...

if becca reboots one more time,i am gonna slap her with her own pizza box.
:p
=============
what...

did i say or do now...
i have NO idea.
but that's my first thought when someone downstairs hollars my name.
================
yayy....

tyler's back.
he says he spent most of the time in the car.
i used to do that growing up when my family went out to eat, me appearing in public resulted in a lot of problems for them and me.
i don't do it so much now,i just stay home.
==================
history repeating itself...

in such a weird way.
i just yelled NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
and my sister popped in and was like, "dude, what the hell?"
KILL ME NOW!!!! Please,it would be a mercy killing.
I'm joking but there was that instant of deja vu and it freaked me out.
================
...

fly paper for freaks,indeed.
but then, i do like the freaky people.
they remind me of me.
=================
babble babble...

bitch bitch rebel rebel party party sex sex sex but don't forget the violence...blah blah blah...
when weirded out, i sing this manson song.
it makes me laugh.
and want to stab stuff.
i was singing it as i went down the staircase the other day and ran right into matt and he was like, wtf.
yeah,is my response to manson related stuff too.
manson is strange, but damn, he's so articulate and well spoken and intelligent.
as long as someone is smart, i could forgive them any sin.
i guess i am a snob that way.
==============
LOL...

kat is so funny.
and smart.
and sweet.
and sexy.
YUM.
DO WANT.
desperately...
=============
i love...

the way tyler pops on line off and on all day.
some people will chain you to the computer,is annoying.
we catch each other at various times throughout the day,sometimes we miss each other but he always comes back.
i can pretty much set a clock by his night time "last smoke before bed" visit,LOL.
my days would be very boring without him.
============
Do Not...

nudge someone on msn with headphones on and the volume cranked.
ouch.
===========
mom...

asked me why i was wringing my hands-well,because i gave up nail biting in favor of having weapons at my fingertips ha ha HA...
so i told her how freaked i am and all that could go wrong,..
and she said, "shut up, you sound like your dad."
LOL.
is true.
but this is about me not him,new stuff freaks me out.
i reserve my right to be nervous and neurotic for the next six days.
============
whoever...

designed these earbuds was a fucking sadist.
headphones may be heavier but they're not the equivalent of being on a torture rack,
=============
becca...

is juggling for me again.
too funny.
i started a trend with dave lister's guitar being juggled.
================
oh hell no...

i almost forgot to transfer my cryptkeeper cd onto here.
its not cryptmas without old crypty singing about cadavers.
LOL.
my family plays it every year,it's our tradition.
i don't know where i'll be this year or if i will even acknowledge the hellidays but i gotta have my tunes just in case.
i know,i'm a godless heathen for tainting a religious holiday with death and gore.
isn't it cool?
==================
today..

has gone by fast,is almost 5 o clock.
usually when i get up before noon, i feel like shit by now.
guess i'm hopped up on adrenaline and anxiety.
===============
faster pussycat..

"i've got 12 inches of fun always at my command..."

he's talking about playing records.
LOL.
hair metal and dirty double entendres...
yumyumyum.
=============
ugh...

my skin is soooo dry,i'm almost scaly.
time to use my new bubble yum body lotion.
i'm gonna smell yummy like gum.
people may want to blow me...
HA HA HA!
================
you can tell...

i've spent the majority of my time around guys...
because when pissed off...
i say,"oh, blow me."
i'm a charmer, i know.
eh,blow me.
:p
=============
they're playing...

kingdom come.
soo led zep.
icky.
===========
matt..

fell asleep in the chair holding his guitar this morning.
so i put it away and covered him with a blanket.
eh,the mothering thing stems from two years living with three kids, they mommified me.
i've actually been called on the mothering thing so i try not to do it.
but being kind isn't really limited to mothering,i think it's just being a good person.
================
porn rots your brain...

my friend was carrying on about how he wishes he could find a girl like in the porn he watches.
that's the problem with porn, it gives unrealistic expectations.
average girls don't look or act like that.
now if a girl had a standard of,say, not hooking up with a guy who wasn't endowed like john holmes, they'd be a bitch.
guys are funny, they have all sorts of rules for themselves, then another set for women.
i hope my friend finds his porn queen...
and she acts like a nun with him.
i know,i'm mean,i just don't care.
these days if you can find someone who isn't secretly a serial killer,i say shut up and be happy.
now,personally, a serial killer wouldn't run me off, provided I got to partake in the killing.
but some have these things called morals.
i used to,till they ran off with tyler's to, apparently, have monkey sex, whatever that entails.
:p
==============
six pm...

and i feel worse than yesterday when i'd been up for two days.
i'll perk up toward ten pm.
=============
yahoo...

is not acting so spazzy today.
i still maintain it is the retarded child of the internet.
see,one bad experience and it taints something for you.
i learned not to befriend those on yahoo fast.
freaks, and i don't mean that in a good way.
i think it's funny because my sister used to use only yahoo IM and i told her if she wanted to talk to me,she'd have to use msn.
turns out,they use msn more than yahoo now.
eh, i want some colby with my whine this evening.
i use yahoo for one reason and one reason only.
my heart is there these days.
===============
inappropriate emotional responses...

i'm the queen,i will NOT be outdone,demmit.
=========
there are those...

 who'd have me feel bad for laughing as much as i do.
"can't you ever take anything seriously?"
um, can they ever lighten the fuck up?
people like that are the reason prozac is so popular.
i'm going to keep making fun of everthing and laughing about it.
if you don't like it...
i simply don't care.
===============
LOL...

we were talking about my cat not liking other animals and cory asked why.
and mom said, "because the cat's a bitch like niki."
feel the love.
but i'm not gonna argue with the truth.
i am a bitch.
courty is a sweetie,tho, she just has socialization issues.
kinda like me.
except she uses teeth and claws when she freaks out.
i just mutter "fuck this" and avoid,avoid,avoid.
my inner circle is complete and i am more than fine with this.
====================
what a difference...

ten years makes.
becca and i were talking computers and stuff earlier...
and it occurred to me how ive caught on to the lingo and stuff.
when first exposed to a computer and the net in 1998, i said, "fuck you,i don't want any part of it,it's weird."
apparently,i got over it.
i found my three bestest friends on the net.
i met the love of my life on the net.
the net saves me having to go to a library for my writing research.
I can order a pizza without ever having to touch an evil phone.
i can do my banking on line.
i can shop on line.
my god,computers and the net are are a recluse's wet dream.
=================
LOL...

i'm not a good friend.
because i just told christina "fuck 'em" in reference to a family issue.
well,it's how i treat my family, i can't be expected to understand other dynamics i'm not at all familiar with.
she has pretty much the same attitude,tho.
===================
i gotta say...

i really like not being chained to my desk.
i miss my speakers,but it is good to get used to headphones as i know christina and joe will not want to hear wednesday,LOL.
their loss.
:p
============
indulge me...

and i'll return the favor.
deny me and be denied.
following this,i'll lose interest and fade away.
is very simple.
i wasn't always all "what's in it for me?"
but too many years of finding there was nothing in it for me while i gave till it hurt taught me a valuable lesson.
I will never allow myself to be taken advantage of again.
"thou shalt not take any more shit."
is my mantra.
=================
my nephew...

is a priss.
he was ranting about the tap water and its chemicals and blah blah blah.
given,tap water tastes nasty but it won't kill you.
i learned on TV that any food you get at even a five star restaurant, by the time it gets to you it has the dna of no fewer than four people on it.
pretty gross.
but i'm not giving up take out.
if you think about it, kissing is pretty gross from a scientific angle.
not giving that up,either.
don't get me started on sex or i'd have to join a nunnery.
living with others is basically germapalooza,too..
i just try not to think about it.
life is tough, put on a fucking helmet.
===============
wheel...of...misfortune..

HA,i'm waiting for my show to come on, this stupid show is almost over.
makes me think of the movie UHF.
WHEEL OF FISH!!!
LOL.
weird al is a riot.
oooh,i havent listened to "roly poly fish heads" in awhile.
im secretly harboring an obsession with severing fish heads and dressing them in doll clothes.
not really, but it's funny.
man,i was denied as a child, they gave me stupid girly dolls and all that time i could've been dressing up bloody fish heads.
:p
=============
when i grow up...

i wanna be a roadie for wednesday.
my pay will be him seranading me daily with "i love to say fuck".
nah, being a roadie is too much work.
i'd be his publicist, tho.
I'd issue a gazillion press releases stating nothing more than "wednesday is god."
pop ups of this on the net that get past all firewalls and pop up blockers.
then i'd take out billboards.
subliminal messages on TV and in popular music.
until the brainwashing took effect and wednesday's popularity required a new "bible" to be written and on wednesdays people would go to morgues in worship of him...
LOL.
I can't help it if i have a vivid imagination.
it's funny,tho.
============
i'm sensitive....

NOT.
Matt was bellyaching about something and i said,"do you have to be such a chick?"
which combined with me teasing him about his long blonde hair, "youre sooo pretty..."
i don't think he's amused.
but i am.
I'm not one of those who can dish it but not take it.
in fact,i quite relish it when people give it back.
matt's pretty passive tho.
i eat passive people for breakfast.
you know who can dish it and take it,is shane.
oh, we had the most fun verbal warfare bouts.
the niki experience is not for the spineless or meek.
i eat those types for supper.
:p
=================
inappropriate emotional responses,101...

once, i was into it big time with someone and we were yelling and he blurted out, "you're such a crazy fucking bitch!"
and i burst into laughter and said, "don't be shy, tell me how you really feel about me!"
we had a good laugh.
bitch doesn't insult me,if you really want to piss me off and put me down use a condescending tone and say, "you're such a girl!"
tho don't be surprised if you get your ass kicked by a girl.
:p
================
i had...

hash browns and gravy for supper,yummmm.
i could put gravy on lollipops.
is unhealthy but sooo tasty.
potatoes,well,i'm just plain obsessed.
=================
speaking of planes...

weird segue,but did i mention...
I AM PETRIFIED!!!!!
i haven't flown since 1990.
i didn't like it then, i like it less now.
were it not for courty,i'd be going by greyhound.
i got an aisle seat,i can't be blocked in, even in bed i can't sleep against a wall,i need an exit..
but now it occurs to me i'm gonna be sitting with two strange people who will probably need to get up,meaning i'll have to,too. i hope i'm not shaking so bad my knees won't hold me up.
god,i hope they're not talkers, to me or each other,i'll go homicidal.
i'm not a people person,i never really was,i just learned to fake it when i had jobs dealing with the public. when not being paid to tolerate others,i isolate and avoid mostly.
all i have to say is christina had better have a full bottle of something tasty but strong waiting at the house,i'm gonna need it.
===============
ha ha ha...

in this movie preview this girl is discussing the new apartment her fiance' bought her: "He says the kitchen needs work but I don't know, I keep sweaters in my stove."
LOLOLOL.
So me.
perfectly safe when you've never used the stove or, well, even plugged it in.
:p
=============
freshies...

is what vampires call humans who let them willingly drink their blood.
interesting.
tv is so informative.
===================
boring...

this girl just said a good date doesn't involve dead bodies.
no.
that would be a GREAT date.
:p
================
friday night...

the races are going on.
noise is drowning out my tv.
annoying.
races are boring.
tho a demo derby might be interesting.
what can i say,i have an appetite for destruction.
==============
awwwwwwwwwwww....

this guy was hooked up with a vampire,and she was sentenced to death by the vamp community for treason...
and rather than let her die alone, he loved her so much, he let them execute him alongside her.
i have a bizarre idea of romance, i guess, but i've been hard pressed to find those willing to deal with my moods, let alone die with me.
to love someone so much you'd rather die with them than be without them....
that's awesome.
=================
wtf...

my sister was playing quiot riot and her husband and his friends said it was "suck ass 80's crap."
yet those guys *claim* to be metalheads???
Metal Health is one of THE most important albums, not just to metal, but to rock n roll, period.
I guess it's to be expected from Rammstein fans.
I'm open minded but that's not music,it's homicidal rage being taken out on musical instruments.
Which can be done without creating an utterly senseless cacophany of noise.
==============
kat...

called me an anomaly.
he says the sweetest things to me.
That vocabulary of his..is sooo fucking hot.
============
I'm...

 a word whore, I know.
It started when I was six and the teacher gave me candy when I used big words other kids didn't know.
I've been obsessed with the dictionary since.
My family likes to say "speak english" and they accuse me of using some words to make them feel stupid but it's just how i talk.
It's not like I won't elaborate or explain when asked.
Though I can never resist throwing out "Have you heard of this cool thing called a dictionary?"
I know, I'm catty.
School did not give me my vocabulary. I sought it out on my own.
I dummy it down a lot sometimes and I am foul mouthed, for sure, but considering where I went to school, I am extremely well spoken.
One of my sister and her husband's friends can't even spell his own address, talking to him on line requires a cypher because while he tries to spell it out the way it sounds sometimes even this is muddled. ("draling" to him actually means "drawing",it took me 20 minutes to figure this out)
he has a high school diploma is the weird thing.
i kinda feel sorry for his kids if he helps them with their homework.
my mom helped me with my homework ONCE when i was in first grade.
I got a bad grade.
After that,I learned to educate and help myself.
I'm a very byzantine person.
:p
====================
LOL...

Charlotte asked me if we redid my hair and i said, yeah, about three or four days ago.
she said, "well, you never come out of your room so i haven't seen you."
I actually come out of my room more than she does hers, I'm up and down the stairs many times a day, I just make two,three minute appearances and return to my crypt.
It's been worse since i started using the laptop, i tend to overdose on new things i like, i have been a bit absent.
i don't think i'm gonna tire of this computer, tho, i certainly never tired of the old one.
i actually think i am gonna adore sitting by the pool in cali clicking away at the kb while listening to wednesday and NOT getting a tan.
================
...

"the body counts remains unknown...remove the flesh from the bone...dismemberment is an art of its own...just face the moon and put your death mask on..."
==============
omg, that's sooo funny...

kenny was here and i told matt not to be such a pussy and kenny said, "you know, it turns men off when a woman talks that way, women aren't supposed to say shit like that..."
hmm.
guys aren't supposed to wear make up but i think it's fucking hot and I thank the ones who do from the bottom of my obscenity riddled heart.
gender rules simply don't interest or apply to me.
i am what i am, my gender has nothing to do with it.
besides,matt WAS being a pussy.
is not a word i actually like to use,usually say "don't be a wuss" but guys who act like wimps bring it out of me.
i've said it to girls,too,tho.
i'm all about equal opportunity when it comes to offending people.
and what turns  random men on or off isn't my fucking problem.
:D
===================
only...

Kat has ever been allowed to call me "baby."
I've always thought of it as a generic term musicians use so they don't have to learn a girl's name.
but when he says it..it's hot and sweet and it makes me purrrrr.
He makes me feel so utterly loved and wanted...
it blows me away.
he's everything i have ever dreamed of.
sometimes i have to pinch myself to make sure i am actually awake and not dreaming him up.
============
there is not...

a single song on wednesday's new album i dislike.
the albums i can play without wanting to skip ANY tracks I can count on one hand.
===========
my sister...

is gonna kick my ass,i drank the last mt. dew.
eh,when i force myself to go out, i'll buy more.
and while it may not be tonight,it will be soon because these earbuds are causing me a great deal of pain.
bring on the suction cup headphones.
i was looking on line and there was a pair for like $300.
that's funny, wtf, i had some $20 koss ones that kicked serious ass,put the $80 ones my mom bought from radio shack to shame. (ratty old shack,ha ha,n/m,is an inside joke).
just because something costs more is no guarentee it will be better than the cheaper item.
people who spend exorbitant amounts of money to "be cool" piss me off.
my ex husband had a $1500 Kenwood stereo but my $200 magnavox was just as good.
then he put a $1000 Kenwood into his car.
the day it got ripped off-in spite of the car alarm-i laughed at him.
i also laughed when my sister's  fancy  car stereo got stolen.
this is why i own cheap junk, no one takes it.
and i could not care less about being cool.
which, actually, makes me cool.
:p
===============
ratt...

"now i know what you thought of me..cold blooded bitch going out of me...you've been caught, at the scene of the crime..."

Out of the Cellar is one of those albums I mentioned that I don't want to skip any track on.
It is also one of those rare cases where a band's debut album was their best.
================
ha ha...

i get a laptop and wireless net...
and i am still tangled in cords.
i'd rather be tangled in kat's hair, demmit.
============
listening...

to someone put themself down for a half hour...
is not my idea of a good time.
especially when i'm doing my best to cheer the person up and they won't have any part of it,
no one can make you feel bad about yourself unless you let them.
and if you feel bad about yourself,do something about it, then you won't.
i relate to insecurity and low self esteem, i really do understand, but at some point you gotta learn to love yourself and say to hell with what anyone else thinks.
i don't really know anyone who LOVES the way they look (aside from an ex who thought he was god's gift to women, and i maintain it's true, but he was a gag gift bought at spencer's) but there has to be one thing anyone can find they don't hate about their appearance. I have my hair.
More than that,i have a brain, i'm funny, i'm creative,i'm kind,and I bowl a mean corpse.
I'm quite a catch,actually,if deranged purple haired girls are your thing.
:p
It's all about highlighting your good qualities and accepting and loving yourself for them.
===========
earlier...

 i told becca if i start acting girly like *someone* we know...
she has my permission to kick my ass.
excitement is good, and loving your significant other is lovely but some girls take it to an extreme that is not healthy.
==============
quirky...

im sending myself more music via IM.
I really do talk to myself.
:p
=============
skold's song..

"anything" makes me want to put on leather and use my whip as more than just decor.
ok, TMI, but it's true.
that song could easily bring out my inner domme.
or submissive.
it's a fucking hot song, sue me.
:p
===================
LOL...

earlier me and tyler were discussing this teen model who was thrown off the runway for being fat, she was like 5'9 and 115 lbs or something,NOT fat at all...
and i said something,hell,i don't even remember what, but he told me I can never lose the boobs cos one day he wants to play with them.
it made me laugh.
his boob obsession is amusing.
i don't get it, at all, but it is funny.
=============
skold...

"religion as an alibi, what more could you need..."

i used to believe in god,i even prayed every night.
but things only got worse.
it made me very hostile toward religion.
i believe in having faith and all but waiting for a fictional being to help me was not working.
so i helped myself and things got better.
i'm not opposed to others believing in whatever,at all.
i just don't like the ones who forcefeed their beliefs to me.
i have an aunt who does that and there's a reason i haven't seen her in 20 years.
go preach to someone who cares.
my faith is in myself.
================
oooooooohhhh....

this desk chair feels wonderful on my back, being on the bed hunched over the laptop for days has me in pain.
colby with my whine,please.
:p
i really resent the way i have been made to feel guilty for "complaining", sometimes i'm just making an inane comment about what is going on with me at the time. if i drove it into the ground, i could see it.
just more proof that the more i am around others, the more anti social i want to be.
==============
cryptmas in may...

well,i'm listening to the cryptkeeper's christmas album.
LOL.
"jack the ripper has a wish, and it's quite a pip...he wants the dallas cowgirls cheering "hey,jack, let her rip.."
this is just too much fun.
i'm weird,i once put the theme from john carpenter's "halloween" as the outgoing message on my answering machine, people kept calling back just to make sure they heard it right.
that song is just cool,  regardless of season.
"deck the halls with parts of charlie..."
perverting the norm really IS my thing.
===============
whoa,,,

it took all of 20 seconds to d/l a 4 minute song.
those who think wireless is slow are wrong.
it can be if you have low signal strength or a weak connection but when it's at it's max output,it's every bit as fast as cable net.
christina has dsl, which i've never used but my sister had it and they went off line every time the wind blew.
i'm sure if it sucks, christina will get something else, she doesn't tolerate her net access being fucked with.
=============
good god...

reba mcintyre is on craig ferguson and her eye make up is so dark she looks goth.
it does not look good with that orange hair.
==============
it pisses me off...

when i do something and it gets lorded over my head by someone who does something similar but if i say a word,i'm wrong.
like on the rare occasion i get ten hours of sleep or so and  my sister makes some catty comment.
yet sometimes, she sleeps all night, gets up with cory for an hour, then goes back to sleep for another six hours.
or my mom will go thru three packs of smokes a day but i smoke a pack and she makes some scathing remark.
some people need to look in the mirror before they go throwing stones.
no sense of fairplay at all.
=============
that's a b, not a w...

i was singing "Ding dong, the wicked witch is dead" (not an oz fan,is an old joke with christina)...
and i ran into gar and he said, "no, she's not,i'm looking at her."
ha ha HA.
BITCH, not WITCH,man, get it right.
family gets away with insulting me,insults are like hugs for us.
we put the FUN in dysfunctional.
==========
i do not like...

having to bury stuff.
fear keeps me doing it,tho.this never ends well because nothing ever stays buried.
it will eventually come out,probably in a pissed off, vitrolic manner.
but the truth would not be any less putrid.
myself, i prefer plain truth,no matter how hurtful it is.
some...do not.
so i keep my mouth shut.
which to me, makes it worse, but i am just here to accomodate others.
ok, i'm being vitrolic already.
told ya, nothing ever really stays buried.
===============
i love...

when preached to and given advice on subjects others don't really have personal experience with.
NOT.
like people without mood issues or depression telling me how to cure it.
thin people who talk about the best way to lose weight.
pop music fans trying to tell me about heavy metal.
bald people giving haircare tips.
someone with flawless skin talking about how hard it is to have a blemish.
people who have never been married but act like they know all about it.
people who are well off financially talking about being broke.
those who sleep seven hours a night telling me how to cure insomnia or saying they "understand and know" how it is.
and my all time favorite..those who tell me a band i like sucks when they've never even bothered to listen before judging.
BULLSHIT.
my stepmonster is the worst offender because she fancies herself an expert on EVERYTHING.
even things she's never done, she will tell you all about it.
is maddening.
know-it-alls piss me off.
if i don't know about a subject, i tend not to say a word about it.
at least until i've done research and learned some facts.
but this is not the same as having personal experience so i keep it analytical, IMO, etc...
nothing is more insulting than someone with no knowledge or experience TELLING me how to handle a problem.
and depressives get unsolicited advice galore, from people who have never been down for more than a day at a time.
on myspace,i would blog about the low moods or highs or insomnia and get all these comments from people who'd never even spoken to me before telling me this herb will cure insomnia, change your diet, you won't have mood swings, don't watch TV more than an hour a day and you won't get depressed, put on a foil hat and dance the chacha on st patrick's day and you'll sleep 8 hours a night,ok,i made that last one up to show how ridiculous some of the suggestions were.I'm sure most meant well but is still annoying.
would be like me going to a musicians page and telling them how to make their music better. From one who lacks musical ability to the extent that i can't even play musical chairs, i'm sure they'd be insulted and then some.
or people without kids giving parenting tips.
if you don't know...SHUT UP.
==================
some...

have a gift for driving a subject into the ground.
irks me when it was a good subject but too much discussion about it turned it into a negative.
i am of course talking about motorcycles.
earlier, mom referred to my bother in law and his merry band of crotch rocket riding friends as "bikers".
um,NO, bikers are six four and ride Harleys away from the crotch rockets they just torched.
at best, the bunch here are "enthusiasts." (WANNABES)
tho the skullcaps are badass.
Ha ha ha, NOT.
I dated a biker once so yes, i do know about it.
he had some purdy tattooes.
and an awesome harley, which he talked me onto once, that was enough living on the edge for me.
anyway...i wish some people would give it a fucking rest.
i love discussing wednesday and my cat and hair metal but I do know when to shut up and change the subject.
i wish others would learn this skill.
or i'm seriously going to start sporking certain individuals.
hopefully after next week i never have to hear the term "crotch rocket" ever again.
it will be sooo nice to be around people with some class.
maybe some it will even rub off on me and de-white trash me.
(NO I'm not calling myself white trash, but being around it, I have certainly picked up certain affectations and I wouldn't miss them if they went away.)
=================
i have a feeling...

once this trip is over, things buried are going to crawl out of the dirt and start screaming.
they already are, beneath the surface,it's a bit deafening.
i block them out but in the process,i'm damn near stabbing my palms with my nails.
i am who i am, i feel how i feel,and while i can deny it and bite my tongue...
that part of me will never stay silent.
===========
be careful...

 what you wish for, you might just get it.
and not be sure you really want it.
the truth...is not always what you want it to be.
================
...

"pull the wings off a fly....watch it suffer and die...and i'll never get out of this live alive...drenched in blood with no alibi..."

soon,i may need an alibi.
arghhhhhhhh!!!!!!
==================
why is it...

even things that are adorably cute...
can be potentially fatal?
things should just be as they look.
being cute and cuddly then biting and giving somene rabies isn't right.
false advertisement, demmit.
me, i'm the real deal.
that glare and scowl...
really ARE because i'd just as soon slit your throat as look at you.
*exclusions include those in my inner circle*.
everyone else better pray i don't become a sociopath and forego my impeccable self control.
===============
candycave...

kat's so funny.
but i want to take up residence in that candycave with him and leave...never.
aside from getting candy and courty supplies i'd be very content and happy this way.
reclusive doesn't even begin to cover it.
=================
i...

had a chat with my brother in law.
why.
because he was in the room and i felt like earning cookie points with my sister by foregoing the family's grudge against her husband.
eh,i can talk to pretty much anyone about anything.
i'm a chameleon this way.
==================
ugh...

some in this house are too lazy to even close the bathroom door.
=============
um...

my sister is insisting on sending me a song by a band called Bile.
which is a gross name for a band.
eh,i'll have a listen, i still play the fuck out of that mudvayne and smile empty soul she "insisted" on sending me.
without an open mind, you just never know what you may be missing.
===============
and...

bile's music is not my cup of tea.
tho the line "pretty girl with ecstasy,stick it where it hurts" made me laugh.
===============
alright baby sis..

she scored il nino's discography and is sharing.
i like them, their sound is like nothing i've ever heard before.
plus their singer has so much hair, when i see him headbanging in a video i have an urge to step the fuck way back lest his hair hit me and knock me on my ass.
too...fucking...cool.
=============
i do not like,..

being kept in the dark.
==============
LOL

tyler left a comment for yesterday's blog calling the bulletboys pussy music.
he's such a twenty something.
make fun of me, i don't care, i'll laugh with you.
as long as wednesday is never insulted.(ha ha,from tyko, yeah,right,he loves mr. 13 more than i do)
too funny.
(one day i'm going to test the limits of his masochism and torture him with Hanson,HA HA!!!)
================
grade school revisited...

tyler's comment about me and kat made me crack up.
last i checked trees were outdoors and recluses don't do outdoors.
i could see my pervy boi doing such a thing, tho, were i in a tree i'd see him, start laughing, and fall out of it.
i'd probably still be laughing in the ambulance en route to get my new bodycast.
:p
===================
5:39 am...

and the birds are telling me all about their branches.
this used to piss me off.
now i kinda look forward to it every morning.
==============
just ran into...

bubba in the kitchen, he was just leaving.
he was here all night with the good time gang playing video games.
i guess i'm a snot, but it just seems sad that a bunch of guys pushing 30 have the same past time as 15 year olds.
i can't throw stones, i have my all encompassing net obsession.
and i used to spend an obscene amount of time with my atari.
back when games were fun.
today's games just make me feel like i'm having a seizure.
===============
becca...

survived her first night of seroquel.
she got ten hours of sleep.
is good shit.
tyler and i welcome her to our little club.
i haven't used any in three days, tho, so i may get kicked out.
:p
===============
it annoys me...

that i have to use IE to download microsoft junk.
i love my FF beyond words, the add ons are wondermous and the halloween theme(i've had it since 06) rocks.
i used to be fickle and use both, tho primarily IE.
but since 06...
I've been very devoted to Mozilla.
if something makes me happy,i am very loyal.
==============
apparently...

i am only allowed to sleep when it is becca's dark time in england.
my submissive jester has a dommy streak.
:p
(i love that term "dommy",it doesn't sound so leather.whips,and chains like "dominant" does)
=================
spazzy as fuck...

i was told i had problems with my desktop pc because it was old and my hard drive was bogged down with too many music files and little free space.
but i'm having some of the same issues with this new laptop and it has very little on it.
the common denominator...
WINDOWS.
spazzy...as...fuck.
============
lol...

becca went back to bed.
i've been up 22 hours so...is my bedtime.
niters.
(k)
=================
















 

 

ha ha HA....

"praise the lord and pass the ammunition."
heard that on TV.
my saying,
"crank metallica,pop in a fresh clip and rock out with your glock out."
tho in this area they're more likely to crank hee haw and load their shotguns.
"redneck hoedowns and hillbilly showdowns."
eh,i've been up for so long i gave up on making sense.
================
when we were kids...

we used to cut the legs out of mom's old pants..
and wear them as tube dresses
polyester plaid in shades of brown and navy.
we were stylin'.
LOL.
if i didn't laugh stuff off,i'd be too mortified to go on.
=============
i like...

to make jokes about being a "giver" but it is,to an extent, absolutely true, when it's something or someone i give a damn about.
i'll give till it hurts,then give some more,but if it's not reciprocal,my mind utters the safety word and i go cold.,
friendships,relationships,family stuff, doesn't matter,it's how i'm wired.
i don't think it's a bad thing, either. limits have to be set on how much you can give without getting something in return.
my mom is one of those limitless givers, and she gets walked all over and rarely receives anything in return. it makes her bitter and angry. i see no point in "giving" if you're doing so holding a grudge.
to keep it simple i give what i get. i'll even give a little more.
but i don't let anyone abuse it or take advantage.
if that makes me a bitch...so be it.
i gave up my former career as a welcome mat.
===============
this...

icy rain would be acceptable if i were snuzzling under vellux with kat.
but since i am not, i hate it,it's just giving me chills and goosebumps.
icky.
==================
where are my morals...

they apparently ran off with tyler's.
LOL.
www.killwithme.com
===============
it's...
 
becca's turn with sheldon tonight.
i reminded her i had him monday and she said, "ewwww,sloppy seconds."
well,americans first,demmit.
she should get her jester hiney over here on a work visa,marry paul for a greencard, get a quickie divorce, then come to california with me and christina to terrorize the civilized folk.
then we'd have to share sheldon on monday nights.
actually, i like his room mate leonard better,he's not a neurotic twat.
becca says leonard is short and has funny hair,which, also describes her.
:p
i adore having someone to discuss one of my tv shows with.
==================
i shocked myself...

because i was talking to my sister about the pc tech guy and referred to him as a "cunt".
which is a word i only use when furious or in severe hate mode.
i don't like people who bring out that side of me.
i really don't think that side of me EVER needs to come out and play.
=============
OMG...

kat just said something so utterly romantic,i'm practically dumbfounded.
just...wow.
============
so much...

in my life would not be an issue if magic were real.
eh,i've been watching charmed again,it brings out my wishful thinking big time.
=============
tyler..

was saying it's hot where he is.
meanwhile i have a shirt and a sweater on and i'm still cold.
the weather as of late has been so fucked up i'm inclined to think mother nature went on vacation n jamaica for a month and has a lousy mood swingy temp filling in.
===============
it is so precious...

the way kat calls courty "babie kitty".
============
becca...

got seroquel.
so i am illuinating her on the benefits/side effects.
i know seroquel better than i'd like to know any pill.
necessary evil for insomniacs,tho
===========
wow,i'm lame...

i got to thinking...
about how often i've actually "gone out" as of late.
I went out once last summer with jen and steph.
then on july 4th i went with my mom to see an elvis impersonator.
i gotta stop partying so hard,i might kill myself.
:p
=============
i was..

basically raised to mock and dismiss anything that is different.
how i turned out fairly open minded is a mystery.
i may mock, but it's done in fun, not in rejection of things I deem unusual.
were that the case, i'd have to reject myself.
===============
i saw...

where wednesday has some tour dates with type o negative.
i hate them but i'd suffer to see wednesday.
tho afterwards i'd have to do something light and wacky,like soap windows or go climb in the kiddie toys at mcdonald's.
i can't occupy that kind of dark space without becoming morose and feeling ick.
=================
tonight...

is the season finale of csi,which i have not missed one of since the show's debut.
my favorite character gets arrested for murder.
eh,probably won't top the year nick was buried alive in a box filled with fire ants but...
it's tradition to watch it, will be nothing but repeats till mid september.
==============
i got to...

thinking how big the airports in st louis and denver are...
and it sent a bolt of panic thru me.
i'd best not get lost in denver and miss my connecting flight.
this is freaking me the fuck out but it must be done for sanity's sake.
i survived the burbank airport, and the dayton airport when i was a teenager.
i can do this.
but with an unhappy cat to mollify,it's going to be nervous breakdown inducing.
=============
i have..

much to do before next wednesday.
i'm just too lazy to do it.
if they give out awards for procrastination, i'm golden.
==========
gum is a gateway candy...

LOL,earl said it,i just repeated it.
==============
wtf....

"i once hung upside down and let a man throw baloney at me."
don't look at me, catalina said it on earl tonight.
=================
argghhhhh......

yahoo has done nothing but fuck up today.
my other stuff is just fine.
i get irritated when stuff doesn't work the way it's supposed to.
===========
ewwwww...

my sister was eating take out that was in the fridge for five days.
she tried to get me to eat some of it.
i always pass on the potential of food poisoning.
==============
fuck me!!!!!

csi just knocked me on my ass.
i was thinking, wow, for a season finale, this is lame and weak.
and then in the last 30 seconds my favorite character got shot twice.
turns out,the actor didn't renew his contract, he's gone.
i would've known about this weeks ago had i not been, uh busy having a semblance of a life.
just..wow.
=================
it's...

going to be a long summer.
grueling,in fact.
autumn is something to look forward to at least.
===============
silence of the lambs is on...

a rarity, because the movie did do the book justice.
my fave line of lecter's. "i ate his liver,with fava beans, and a nice chianti."
tho at the end when he hunts the shrink down and says he's having an old friend for dinner...
that's classic.
==============
i'm still..

cold.
today,i'd like american cheese with my whine.
:p
=============
10pm...

36 hours awake.
i tried to sleep several times today,it just wasn't happening.
when i finally do crash...
i'm gonna be dead tothe world for awhile.
i'm going to try to make it till four a.m., then sleep till noon.
that should do the trick.
at this point, i'm running at such a sleep deficit,i could sleep from now to 2015 and not be caught up.
is just something you learn to live with.
================
ugh...

i'm obviously exhausted mentally because my mood just dipped and i started crying.
for all of two minutes.
some stuff...just triggers utter misery in me.
is so damn weird because in recent months i have had some rock bottom lows where i felt like i was dying and bleeding to death emotionally but not a tear fell. I wanted to cry,needed to, and i simply couldn't, i really tried.
becca is the one person  i know who "gets it", she truly understands how that feels.
==================

today...

has been good, except for when i had to to go out several times. That got my hostility going. Being reclusive suits me just fine.
==========
my friend...

asked me if he had done something to upset me because we haven't been talking as much as we used to. that made me feel bad. i have been neglectful of much lately. I'll settle down once the flight/trip is over,that's had me stressed and anxious for weeks now. i feel guilty because i have shut a lot of people out but i only have so many emotional resources and my inner circle had to be shrunk down. there is only one of me and for awhile i felt like i was being pulled in ten different directions. i think i have it under control now and i will make time for everyone, but my priorities have changed so they may just have to deal with less of me.as crazy as i'm told i am, they should  see this as a good thing
:p
====================
kat...

is hysterical.
miniature golf corpse.
ice scream at dreary queen.
too much fun.
=================
i'm proud...

of courty. she only hissed at the vet once today. she was a very good girl.
she weighs 11lbs 4 oz.
they told me she has to go on a diet.
what i found amusing was the guy ahead of us had a big black fluffy cat twice her size,surprised they didn't call kitty weight watchers on it.
:p
==============
tricked out...

i got my google,gmail,and yahoo dark pages, no more blinding white.
i like it, a lot.
==============
did i mention...

how incredibly sweet kat is to me?
makes me all warm and fuzzy inside.
================
i do not...

care for the kb on this laptop,it's typos galore.
becca will have a field day.
:p
=================
tyler...

called me a cheater cos I''m using an external mouse on a laptop.
i copy and paste a lot, it was necessary.
before i took a sledgehammer to it.
==================
kat....

sooo hot.
makes me need a fan.
sooo hot,
=============
arghhh...

i washed my hair and the purple is fading again.
by next week it will probably be pinkish red.
if it turns pink again,i give up.
==================
i shoulda...

been a proof reader, i get asked to do it enough.
i don't mind occasionally.
===============
ewwwwwwwwwwww...

i'm watching a show where this guy was eating monkey meat.
that's beyond wrong, and gross.
================
people on tv...

spend so much time on their cell phones it baffles me how they ever need to come in contact with actual humans.
=================
there is...

a roomful of people next door.
shady looking mofos,too,i don't think they're acquainted with the concept of shaving.
is creepy leaving my crypt at times, no telling who or what i may run into.
===============
bipolar people....

have mood swings.
it's just a fact.
i tell people this right off.
they still act shocked to learn that i'm wacky.
eh,bite me.
==================
ha ha ha...

this guy on tv is throwing kegs down stairs to elude the police.
it made me think of donkey kong.
================
kicking myself...

for not grabbing some fries or something while i was out.
my sister is waiting till their company leaves to fix supper so it may be one or two am before we eat.
i'd fix myself something but i'm waiting for the lasagna.
yummmm.
=================
i...

can barely  hear stuff on this laptop.
so i'm pondering taking my speakers with me.
they kick serious ass.
===========
i did like cheese...

till someone referred to it as curdled milk,
funny,i thought that was what cottage cheese is.
don't get me started on yogurt,
ewwwwwww.
==============
i'm curious...

they were saying people don't sleep well with tylenol pm compared to advil pm.
so i did some snooping.
almost all otc sleep aids contain diphenhydramine, which is basically benadryl,'ve been on it all my life.
tylenol pm has 25 mg.
advil pmhas 38 mg,
so,duh,one works better.
doesn't work on me at all unless i haven't taken it in a year or so.
i've had 25 plus years to build up a tolerance.
==============
wtf...

was in those shots they gave courty?
she's been asleep for hours and hours without hardly moving.
not like her at all.
or i'm just a worrywart catmom.
====================
oh,gawd....

this guy on tv is doing a plus/negative list on his estranged wife and new gf.
personally,i'd go with the gf,she's a little crazy but she's fun.
the wife walked out on him so she may be "safe" but she's a bore.
i spent ten years going with safe and conventional,doing what others expected of me.
Boring.
and it worked out so well, NOT.
time to have some fun and do what i want without regard to what everyone else wants.
kat is a lot of fun.
the ONLY corpse bowling date i ever want to have.
===============
ha ha ha...

the girl on tv found his list.
she's mega pissed.
i'd be reaching for my sledgehammer.
:p
=================
if...

i find out i've been lied to...
by anyone...
they'll be on my shitlist a loooooonnng time,
and i always find out so i suggest people don't lie to me.
crazy people are prone to doing crazy things when they feel they've been wronged.
lying is just so..unnecessary.
================
i know...

it's just a tv show.
but dr. house reminds me a lot of myself.
only he has no conscience or,well,redeeming qualities.
even at my worst i'm not that bad.
but as i am prone to saying, i'm one knife in the back away from sociopathy.
=============
i keep...

waking courty up,to make sure she's ok.
i always take it really hard when i lose a pet.
but i'm bonded like crazy to her,losing her is going to kill me.
and the damn vet had to remind me she's a "senior  citizen".
zaphod lived to 14,tho, and noelle was 15 so...
just more time to become more attached.
i usually accept death as a natural inevitability.
except when it comes to my animals.
then it's just a gut wrenching calamity i see no reason for.
=============
how the hell...

this girl in the movie is so ditzy she left town and left her pet ferret leashed to the door of her building.
i'd forget myself before i ever forgot courty.
================
LOL...

my old email...
has 74,000 plus emails.
that is why quit using hotmail,is a fucking spam magnet.
i get nothing thru gmail i didnt specifically want and if i did,it's filtered.
a lot of people bash gmail, earlier i saw an addy at yahoo that said  gmail_is_so_creepy.
ha ha ha.
i think yahoo is creepy.
but it doesn't really matter to me,any felonies i'm plotting,i do off line anyway.
:p
================
sick but funny...

on adult swim, they're spoofing the smurfs.
gargamel just put one into a blender.
ha ha HA!!!!
=============
eh, why not...

i'm watching south park.
i loved it the first two seasons, then it just got redundant and gross.
but occasionally...
it's good for some laughs.
especially when they bash tom cruise and scientology.
==============
i got...

this FF add on that lets you rename your browser tabs so no one can see what page you're on.
i almost never look at pages i need to hide (if i am it's something tyler or my sister told me about, LOL) but i thought it'd be funny to give the pages really stupid,wtf names.
like my yahoo mail is now corpsebowling.com.
gmail is corpseage.com.
ha ha ha.
i don't know why anyone needs to leave home to have fun, i have a blast  without ever leaving my crypt.
maybe i'm just easily amused.
==================
11:30pm...

now my sister is making supper.
we're vampires,i tell you.
==============
they..

were griping about being out of soda.
so i tossed some money at them.
i can afford to be generous.
after next week,the only things i gotta worry about paying for are me and courty.
=============
LOL...

this dude on comedy central is giving this chick singer a hard time because she claims none of her music was written while high.
about the same response i get when i tell people nothing i've never written anything but a journal while high.
"weed does not make you creative, it just makes you think you're creative."
ha ha, my sister's friends would beg to differ.
to each their own.
all i know is it makes me stupid and boring.
but stoners are very funny.
And fun to make fun of.
cos,ya know, they're too high to notice or care.
================
lol...

they're polling people about samulel adams' contribution to this country.
and they ALL said beer.
i detest beer.
probably because my dad let me have it when i was a kid.
mom washed hair in it.
is just nasty.
i'll stick to vodka, which while nasty, fucks you up fast.
===============
i don't...

get why the show cops has been on so long.
i mean,after seeing unshaven drunk men in stained t-shirts being hauled off in handcuffs the thousandth time...
what's the appeal?
==============
just...

saw a cheetah on animal planet.
it made me think of harold and kumar go to white castle.
when they get so high they see a cheetah and ride it around.
stupid.
but too funny.
============
my paranoid nature...

will one day get the best of me.
===============
cable...

is a bit of a rip off.
70 channels and i can' t find a thing to watch.
no wonder some people are dvd freaks.
===============
i was...

lied to today.
it irked me because i knew he was lying to me.
but i said nothing.
needless to say, that guy is on my shitlist.
most stupid people are.
lying is just so unnecessary.
is a tool of the weak minded.
and spineless.
=============
courty...

hasn't moved from the desk chair in like seven hours.
she's pretty slothful but never this bad.
i'm worried.
=================
ugh....

i can't get comfy.
i turn the fan, i get cold.
i turn it off, i get hot.
no happy medium for me.
the extremes are annoying.
==============
yet another...

new method to quit smoking.
i miss the 80's when everybody smoked and no one cared.
people these days are too fucking prissy.
don't smoke, but for fuck's sake don't terrorize those who do.
we'll be judged by our black lungs, emphysema, and cancer, thankyouverymuch.
:p
===============
earlier becca said...

"but we are normal freaky geeks,"
n-n-n-NORMAL???
me?
i hope not.
normal people scare me.
and bore me into a coma
=================
ha ha ha...

my livejournal tab has been renamed,
wednesdayisgod.com
well,it's true here on planet niki.
================
i guess i'm weird...

but websites with little text and just video annoy me.
i have a brain, i prefer to read.
any idiot can watch.
stimulate my mind or fuck off.
===============
oooooo....

june 13 is on a friday.
yayyyyy.
that'd be an awesome day to get all the friday the 13th movies and veg out till your brain bleeds from gore overload.
===========
today's word...

fetter-a restraint.
hmm.
sounds like it could be fun.
ohhhhh,not *that* kind of restraint, got it.
:p
============
whoever...

invented speedos should be shot.
or at least ban the sale of them to overweight bald white dudes.
=============
nickelback...

"criminal record says i broke in twice...i must've done it half a dozen times..."
==============
cowboys from hell...

i haven't gotten out the old pantera in ages.
this band fuckin' kicked ass.
=============
one band...

i detest as much as i hate captchas...
is primus.
they suck,loudly.my sister says i suck for thinking that.
*sluuuuuurrrrrpppp*
I don't like 'em.
==============
this laptop...

sounds like shit.
i had an old gpx boombox that cost $20 and sounded better.
i've just been ruined by desktops and my awesome speakers.
im gonna get some headphones and see if that makes it suck less.
and earbuds are NOT headphones, contrary to what the mp3 generation thinks.
my sister says the earbuds i have sound damn good but...
i'm partial to headphones that feel like suction cups on my ears.
i can't rock out if I can hear what someone is saying.
===============
i'm listening...

to the wallflowers.
i own my lameness.
but i like what i like.
what everyonen else thinks...
simply is not relevant.
and i use that attitude toward everything i do.
my opinion trumps all others.
"a bitch is a woman who knows what she wants and likes and isn't afraid to say so and get it."
don't remember who said that but it's very true.
===============
i'm a giver..

when it comes to stuff i care about.
i donated to my net radio station, anonymously, was not seeking credit at all.
eh,they save me the trouble of having to play cds.
===============
hmmm...

these earbuds actually sound pretty good plugged into the laptop.
but they kill my fucking ears,not in a good way.
fuck it, my sister's blaring some hiphop crap, that's waymore painful.
============
and...

i'm hot again so the fan goes back on.
in about ten minutes,i'm prolly gonna have goosebumps.
and not in the good way.
=============
the more...

i think about it,the more pissed off i get.
that computer tech lying to me really irks me.
they can't be trusted, not the ones here, anyway.
i'm seriously questioning whether ANYONE can truly be trusted.
everyone is out for themselves and would put a knife in your back without blinking.
or maybe i'm just really irritated right now.
being lied to just sets me off.
or am i just mad at myself for not calling him on it?
=============
steelheart...

"i would walk a mile to kiss the lips that make me smile..."
===========
this guy...

is bitching that he's lost ten grand on investments in the last month.
HA! I haven't had ten grand to play with since i was married.
suck it the fuck up, there are truly poor needy people out there who get my empathy.
and NO, i do not consider myself poor.
i have what i need, which is a hell of a lot more than some have.
=============
ozzy...

"i'll introduce myself again, i'm demon alcohol...i'll get you."
==========
lol...

i told my mom i talked to shane and her first comment was, "is he having man problems?"
she knows shane well.
always with the man problems.
shane's such a sweetie,he deserves better.
but he's gotta stop fishing in the bum lake.
================
and...

i'm cold.
i knew it.
my own predictability annoys me.
=================
judas priest...

"you say i waste my life away but i live it to the full...we don't need no,no,no,no parental guidance here..."
============
i'm worried...

i woke courty up because she hadn't moved even for a drink in hours and hours.
she is not acting right, at all.
the vet didn't warn of any side effects.
just my luck she doesn't see a vet in ages and she's fine, then i take her to one and she starts acting sickly.
i'm calling them if she hasn't pepped up by morning.
my poor baby.
==============
i was gonna say...

is there a megadeth song that doesn't sound pissed off...
but yeah, there is.
 "a tout le monde" sounds mournful and sad.
mustaine so obviously needs anger management classes,tho.
============
my anger...

isn't the problem, i control it pretty well *most* of the time,
my hostility is my big issue.
it kicks up as soon as i leave the house and results in glaring and growling under my breath.(cursing as well,my bad.)
need to get a grip on that.
or become even more reclusive.
which would just make me a sad hermit.
=================
these...

earbuds are killing me.
how people wear them for hours on end is beyond me.
i miss my old headphones, which i have to replace because a naughty kitty named courty chewed the cord in two.
seeing her as she is now,i'd forgive her anything.
it's freaking me the fuck out, that's not how my baby acts.
===============
third pack...

of cigarettes for today has been opened.
to say i am stressed is an understatement.
a week from now i'll either be dead(anxiety,plane crash,take your pick) or sipping flavored vodka poolside while courty frollicks with piper.
==============
we had supper...

at one a.m.
it was good but i'm so anxious and worried about courty it was anti climactic.
============
they just played...

jackyl's lumberjack song.
stupid stupid song, almost makes nirvana sound good.
================
dio...

now that's an awesome band.
===============
i had to...

trash a a pair of pants,
they were stained with resin.
april and my need for numbness need to be forgotten.
but, as is everything with me, i either overindulge or cut myself off all together.
i like having my brain back, tho.
i'm good for another year or so.
===============
idiotic...

the band weezer-they suck so bad words can't even convey it-named their new song "pork and beans".
for some reason that made me laugh.
===============
christina...

is sweet, bless her heart.
she's letting me go on and on about how worried i am about courty.
that cat is my life.
===============
i joke...

about being a bad influence.
but i think i really am.
cos i've noticed some people have started using all lower case letters like me,
my bad.
i'm trying to break the habit but i'm weak.
:p
==============
auntie...

must be word of the day.
tyler said it in reference to my sister.
and christina just informed me i'm going to be pipers auntie.
m'kay.
if she asks a bunch of questions like cory,i'm getting earplugs.
:p
===============
blarggggg...

they're playing rush.
i'm too lazy to change it so i'm just gonna bitch.
i'm female so i'm entitled.
that's funny cos i know some guys who put women to shame when it comes to complaining.
:p
==============
i'm weird...

because when someone says i'm pretty...
i find it kinda insulting.
smart,funny,crazy,wild,wacky,wacko,those terms are acceptable.
pretty has taken a spot along side cute in my book.
ick.
i know people mean well tho so i don't say anything, they're sweet for saying it.
only i would bitch about being flattered and complimented.
eh, pretty girls are a penny a dozen.
i don't wanna be one of the masses.
:p
=============
there are times...

when im pissed off or annoyed...
and i just smile.
and say the nicest things.
because i know some people do stuff to set me off and make me act out so they can hold it against me (my family.).
i won't give them the satisfaction.
fuckyouverymuch.
i'll bite a hole in my tongue first.
===============
don't...

tell me about your sex life.
please.
TMI.
the only exception is tyler.
i learn soo much from him.
:p
well,i do.
================
phil lewis..

has the voice of a god.
capable of making my toes curl.
or my heart break.
=============
lol...

christina is up at 12:30 am and made a comment about being a night owl.
that amuses me.
i wake up around midnight.
and don't die down till 4or 5 am,if then.
i live for the night.
==============
ooooo...

they're playing danger danger.
ted poley's voice...
mmmmm.
============
ha ha ha...

my sister came in and said,"Are you awake?oh,hell,you're always awake."
that's not true.
i'm totally not awake when i am asleep.
:p
=========
i thought...

not having to move off the bed to be on line was a good thing.
but my back is killing me,i miss my desk chair.
i know, would i like some cheese with that whiiinnne.
swiss,please.
:p
==========
ROTFLMAO..

my sister said one of their friends earlier brought his woman,a non smoker, and she had the nerve to ask a room full of smokers to not smoke around her.
wow,that takes some nerve.
my brother in law told her-and not politely- to go home if she didn't like them smoking.
too funny.
people like that make me want to put a whole pack in my mouth, light up, and exhale in their face.
i'm not rude, i won't smoke at someone else's house or in their car if told not to, and if it truly bothers someone i won't smoke in their airspace.
but to go to someone else's house and ask them not to smoke...
dumb bitch.
=================
ugh...

the bass off my sister's hiphop music is making the walls shake.
is ok.
i have RATT.
===============
if you don't like me...

i simply don't care.
i don't inflict myself upon anyone.
i usually let people come to me, actually, just to avoid the whole placing myself where i may not be wanted thing.
it's not disinterest.
it's self protection.
plus i avoid the whole mutual friends talking about what a stalker i am or whatever.
:p
================
maybe...

courty is ok.
she still won't look at me when i say her name but her ears perk up.
maybe shes just traumatized from getting three shots and being outside her comfort zone.
i'm afraid to sleep,i'm so worried about her.
==================
i've...

picked greenery out of the lawn i bet is more tasty than cabbage.
i'm kinda grossed out by all things green.
just being random.
=============
i watched..

the new foamy tonight and i don't even remember it, i was talking to people and worried about courty.
that is rare when i don't go gaga for a foamy.
==============
LOL...

this guy's screen name is mulletman.
only paul would truly appreciate how funny that is.
=============
skankzilla...

i have NO idea.
but it's funny.
=================
firehouse...

"turn it up till your speakers blow..."
============
the only thing...

that could improve upon 3AM...
is metallica's "master of puppets" blaring in my ears.
kqlz fucking RULES.
=============
if you don't...

know my cat's name, we're probably not close.
or you're just too self asborbed to care enough to remember my furkid's name.
in which case, fuck you.
============
the popular kid...

not me, my hair, demmit.
kasey saw it and shrieked, "Oh my god, it's sooo purple, that's so exciting!"
gar needs to take her out more often.
then my sister's friends were here this morning with their babies (i got on the floor and played with shelby, she likes me)and rosie-grown with a kid, mind you, said, "I'd never have the guts to color my hair some wild color,my dad wouldn't approve."
hmm,my rule of thumb was, if my dad doesn't like it, i love it. still is, actually, tho it's not an effort, he hates everything i like anyway.
my brother in law jumped halfway across the room when he saw my hair, said it looked like i was under blacklight.
till i wash it again it does, anyway.
is weird, cos i didn't go with purple for shock value or to get attention.
i just really like purple.
which is why my hair seems hell bent on being pink.
it wants to spite me.
================
i prefer...

joan jett''s version of "dirty deeds."
guitars seem heavier.
heavier is better.
============
i'm...

always so much calmer and happier when i am talking to kat.
he's like xanax and prozac with no nasty side effects.
============
LOL...

winger's "seventeen" is playing.
i was on some site recently and they were debating the legality and perversion of this song.
17 is legal in most states, duh.
the perversion...i'm not going there.
my dad was seeing his woman when she was sixteen so...
loaded subject.
I just find it amusing people have nothing better to do than debate over a song.
it's hair metal, not the supreme court.
=============
oooh,skid row....

YAY!!!!!!
sebastian could sing me to sleep any time.
really, his voice is soothing
even if he has become super lame.
at least he gave his kids cool names.
(paris and london,the cities where they were conceived,LOL.)
===============
skid row...

"please let there be light..in a darkened room..."

Ok, but just a dim one.
:p
============
beautifully yummy..

kat is.
purrrrr.
=============
shirt i want...

"due to budget cuts, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off."
==========
well...

courty sort of responds when i say her name, kitty cringe,i fear.
she hasn't been ill and her ears sorta perk to the sound of her name, i guess those are good signs.
i'm still worried,tho.
==============
christina promised me...

that all the drama will cease out there.
i hope so, i could use a serious overdose of non drama.
==========
brrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...

it got cold,fast.
i should be snuzzling under vellux with kat right now.
==============
i am...

a fountain of useless pop culture references.
but i kick ass at related trivia games.
when we played kasey's "scene it" last time, everyone else had like,19,20 points.
I had sixty three.
can you tell i've never really had a life?
===============
hey...

i said courty's name and she actually lifted her head this time.
eh she went right back to sleep but it's progress.
===========
i predict...

I'm going to traumatize kat a lot with my pop culture references.
eh, he  can traumatize me with depeche mode.
=============
5 am....

the birdies are telling me all about their branches.
it used to annoy me.
now it just makes me smile.
===============
very very very busy...

EVIL words.
EEEEVIL.
=================
oooohh... 

a crue song from "shout at the devil."
NIIICE.
heavy metal cures all ills.
=============
merciful...

my sister finally turned off the wall thumping "music".
ugh.
=============
that...

makes NO sense.
some people baffle me.
============
fighting off...

depressing thoughts.
i can't let them in or they'll crush me and i'll be back on the stupid pills.
believe me, i don't miss spending the first half of my day nauseated.
and finally,people can't lord "being medicated" over my head.
i hate that shit,people who do that suck.
sad thing is, almost everyone outside the ones who are medicated does it.
that's just really cruel.
those who use illegal drugs and do it are the worst.
bet they wouldn't wind up in a locked ward without their "medicine".
i'd like to put them all on a boat with tom cruise and watch it sink to the depths of the ocean.
i'd bug it so i could hear the screams.
:p
============
i have...

5 cigarettes left.
but,no,i'm not stressed at all.
============
child's play...

"well,i don't love you anymore, and that's for sure.."
==================
it will be ok...

i just have to keep repeating it like a mantra.
and have some faith.
whatever will happen will happen.
i believe in fate, as flaky as it sounds.
everything happens for a reason.
==============
i must..

just have sensitive ears but these earbuds are killing me.
and no, not because the music's too loud,is a comfort thing.
my sister said these earbuds are more comfortable than hers, i must just be being a princess.
but it huuuurrrrts.
my ass is going out for headphones today.
i want mozzarella with my whine this time.
:p
==================
clueless...

kat has no idea how hot he is.
he is so hot he makes my bone marrow sweat.
his mirrors are going to all be replaced one day.
they're obviously broken.
==============
panic...

and not at the disco.
:p
just sometimes some stuff makes my heart skip beats and i get really anxious.
i'm going to be a fucking wreck a week from today.
wow,in all my gloom mongering,i didn't factor in the possibility of terrorists.
LOL.eh, at least i still have my sense of humor.
tho i bet it'd be easier to get a bomb on the plane than take a cat on one.
"Oh, you have a bomb in your shoe? Go right ahead..Wait, you with the cat, security wants to talk to you about that meow mix in the dish,it looks like anthrax..."
===========
wtf...

would one do with a 600,000 volt stun gun?
other than use it on soccer moms for entertainment purposes.
yup,it's that time again, got my new budk catalog.
weapons,weapons,weapons.
so many weapons, so many deserving of being on the receiving end, so little time.
i'm not sadistic.
much.
=============
more improvement...

courty turned around when i said her name.
i'm still going to call the vet, to be on the safe side.
they'll probably laugh at the neurotic catmom,but my baby is my heart.
her well being comes before all else.
=============
my dad...

says i'm opinionated like it's a bad thing.
i guess to men it is, women are supposed to be weak and dependent and cowtow to whatever men want.
i was absent the day that was taught, apparently.
i have a mind, i'm gonna use it.
and calling me a bitch only flatters me.
=================
weird...

i was told my grandmother asked about me the other day.
last time i went to see her, she refused to acknowledge my presence.
so pardon me if i return the favor.
i'm only petty when you piss me off.
==============
i'm loving...

all these black web pages.
the basic white was blinding.
it wouldn't surprise me if i cut myself and bled black.
hmm,i wonder if you can dye your blood...
ok i'm joking there but if you could, that'd be pretty cool.
==============
goosebumps...

again.
is cold this morning.
i didn't put weatherbug on here so i have no idea what the temp is.
i figure in cali, i'm not going to need a program to tell me, duh, it's warm and sunny out.
=============
in for a penny...

in for a pound.
some things really need to be said.
in the sense of fair play.
==============
i think...

it's bullshit my mom works 12 hours all night then has to come home, stay up, get cory ready,then take him to school,meanwhile his parents sleep because they were up till five .am. hanging out.
people who have kids and don't take care of them piss me off.
i don't care if it's family.
you have a kid, happy fun time is over, grow the fuck up.
===============
out...

of smokes.
time to go bum off mom.
is ok, we share like that.
================
courty...

still isn't up and about but she seems more alert.
==========
i need...

to have my head examined.
again,anyway.
i'm seriously fucked.
=================
i love how,...

on tv people have these brain tumors and yet they never lose more than a single lock of hair where it can't be seen.
my ex husband had brain surgery twice and they took off all his hair even tho they incisions were itty bitty.
apparently if you get a tv tumor,you get to keep your hair even if your incision is the size of texas.
=============
i forgot...

my stumble upon password,mainly because i didn't set it up, christina did.
i shoulda remembered what she'd use.
it showed a link I favorited and it said "female porn" and i was like, wtf, i despise porn, was i that stoned?
actually,it's a picture of a guy in an apron doing housework,I knew christina would LOVE it so i marked it for her.
ha ha ha, see what my dirty fantasies are of.
me and millions of other women.
===========
del lep...

"whatever you do, i'll be two steps behind you...wherever you go,i'll be there to remind you..."
============
WOW.....

progress is being made where i did not think it possible.
brave new world indeed.
============
it amuses me...

how city people want the small town experience while i crave the big city experience.
i've had friends who thought this place would be great and packed up and came here with the intention of settling down here.
all three of them were gone within a week.
if you cant handle boredom and limited shopping and such, this is not the place for you.
is funny because they said, "i thought you were being a drama queen but that place really will bore you to death."
i wish more people felt that way, actually, we get a lot of transplants from the cities up north due to the correctional facility here.
not nice people who make a lot of trouble.
maybe that's why they're not bored into a coma.
==============
i couldn't...

believe my bother in law's code for the wireless network.
to say i am surrounded by racists is an understatement.
if you're not lilly white, they likely have a problem with you.
my problem is with those who live up to negative stereotypes or are just bad people.
i think ethnic diversity is actually pretty beautiful.
maybe because i've been exposed to so little of it.
but i will side with a lot of people.
if you're gonna live here, learn the language.
we don't go to mexico and demand they speak english or whatever.
i could go on like my family does about people who have a bunch of kids and live off tax dollars but the worst offenders are our own race so it would be unfair.
====================
phone...

are a necessary evil.
but very eeeevil.
for one reason and one reason only i am willing to get over it.
kat has set so many precedents in my life...
===============
if...

i offend you...
tell me so.
i'm not opposed to a good debate and if presented in an intelligent,logical manner, i might even change my point of view.
not likely, but its been known to happen before.
================
for christmas...

i'm getting tyler some boobs to play with.
:p
============
painslut...

i should not look at websites others tell me about.
some might find that term a turn on.
it just makes me laugh.
=============
i want...

a wall sized poster of the album cover to wednesday's "bloodwork"ep.
i love that picture, he looks so...
hostile.
===============
yayyy...

courty is up and about,alert,and purring.
i'm so relieved.
================
somehow...

without moving off the bed i lost the remote.
i heard something fall earlier, could've been that.
i don't have the energy to move the heavy bed away from the wall to look,tho.
================
livejournal's question today...

what three dishes could you live on for the rest of your life?

I dunno, i don't eat the dishes,just the food in them.
:p

mashed potatoes.
french fries.
pizza.

living in cali,it may be all i can afford, bet they even charge for the air you breathe there.
:p
==================
i mentioned kids the other day...

and tyler basically said ewwwww.
LOL.
is so weird because the guys around here are pretty much obsessed with spawning.
the guys i know pretty much avoid kids like the plague.
as i told tyko, i LOVE kids.
as long as i can give them back to their owners when i'm done being amused by them.
yeah,i don't fit in here at all because the women are obsessed with kids,too. I get sick of being asked why i don't have any. Um, because i'm selfish and would rather have fun than pass on my junk dna. well, that's the party line, anyway, fate solved the issue for me  a long time ago. but is still the truth,i'm too self centered to be a parent. difference between me and most everyone here is i can admit it.
reproduction as a past time, wow, that's really sad. this place is fucking sad, period.
is it the 22nd yet?
i want OUT of here.
================
it annoys me...

when i feel like someone is being condescending.
it could just be my paranoid nature and they're being sincere.
and the x files is a kid's show about the alphabet.
:p
=============
i've been awake..

25 hours.
damn brain won't shut up.
nothing new.
is irksome.
==============
courty...

is acting more normal now, thank the sacred cow.
she keeps looking at me like i'm nuts cos i've taken to calling her sweet pea.
which is what the nurses in the hospital called my sister when she was born,
it's also her favorite scent, go figure.
well,now it's my cat's nickname.
one of them.
kanga, pretty girl, courty, sweet pea, flabby tabby, big girl, pooty, pooty booty,sexymisskangapaws,pretty kitty,big eyes...
i have lots of cutesy pet names for her, all meant with the utmost of affection.
==============
still...

awake,but i'm gonna post this before it turns into one of my 700 page epics.
:p
========

mood:
eh
=========
song:
wednesday 13
not another teenage anthem

"mom and dad look at me now...I know you're so damn proud...the baby that you used to kiss...i cannot resist these middle fingers on my fist..."
=============
cherry vanilla dr. pepper....

yummy.
my mommy got it for me.
===============
cooool...

christian slater has a new show on TV this fall.
i like him.
he sounds sarcastic even when he's being sincere.
sooo cool.
===============
dyeing...

my hair right now.
the purple is everywhere, we made an enormous mess.
if it turns pink again, I swear I'm just going back to my natural black.
=============
2 computers....

are better than one.
been using both today.
i'm too lazy to burn stuff to disc so i'm using an old msn addy and sending shit to myself.
ha ha HA.
it works.
===============
Yayyyy!!!!

I got the idea to check one of my old msn sign addresses and i found...
shane.
Yayyyyy!!!!!!
how i have missed him.
now i know where he is and have a number.
Isis died, that is so sad, but he has a new dobie now.
he was looking for me, too.
he still loves me, awwwwww.
i love him madly, too.
shane is my longest friendship ever.
15 years...
hell, he's my longest relationship.
===============
and the hair...

is NOT pink.
it is deep purple, and not that black-purplish hue.
I mean purple.
with some red in it cos i have too much fucking hair and we ran out of color.
I love it, actually.
even my mom likes it, which is saying a lot.
i'll see how long it lasts or if it fades and turns pink.
if it does fade, I think i'll just concede defeat and use pink.
as horridly girly as that is.
eh, it's only semi permanent so it'll last maybe 3 weeks if i am lucky.
*prays it stays purple*
=================
becca...

got up at 3am to talk to me.
awwwww.
==============
mood swings...

DO NOT WANT!!!!!
i'd try shock therapy if i thought it'd help. i'm sick of my moodiness wrecking my life.
i'm not a bad person, aside from the moods.
too bad they run people off.
or at the very least make them back way off.
sorry.
================
christina...

wants me to color her hair when i get there.
m'kay, i can do that.
==============
on TV...

"where did you find this looneytoon?"
LOL.
=================
bad kitty!!!

courty keeps headbutting the laptop.
time to get out the dommy bitch tone.
lol,i used it earlier on cory and my sister said, "Damn, you could whip anyone into shape with that tone!"
or curdle milk.
well, if people would just behave, I'd never need a tone, period.
:p
===================
it's true...

i do bowl a mean corpse.
kat...
makes me smile.
so much.
=================
LOL...

christina's status message says "9 Days and counting."
i think she's excited i'm coming out there or something.
=============
i can only...

be sweet and cutesy for so long.
then i'm practically screaming for anger and aggression.
enter wednesday.
his morbidity feeds my dark side.
it's like audio prozac, tho, cos it cheers me up, too.
i know, i'm a clusterfuck.
but beautifully so.
=============
LOL...

it's 5am in england and becca came on to ask me what color my hair turned out.
one day, i hope i am as interesting and popular as my hair seems to be.
:p
===============
click it or ticket...

I'm so fucking sick of hearing about the damn seatbelt law.
if i wanna go head first thru the windshield, it's my fucking business.
the least they could do is make a seatbelt that doesn't cut off my damn air.
if i wanted to be a gasper, i'd be having fun doing it, demmit.
:p
==================
72 channels...

and the only thing on is this stand up comedian carlos mencia.
he gets on my nerves.
==============
image...

is NOTHING.
I'm glad wednesday didn't worry about it and just put out an album he felt good about, even at the risk of alienating "fans".
if they're that fickle, fuck 'em and feed 'em to the fish.
on second thought, people like that would probably poison the fishies so just fuck 'em.
================
i can tell...

they're really going to miss me around here.
mom's been super sweet, which on midnights, is an anomaly and a half.
cory begged me not to go tonight. again.
sorry, people, 35 years in this prison is enough time served.
my parole date is approaching and I ain't looking back.
maybe i'll like it there, maybe not.
but i won't know till i try.
============
kat...

is so beautiful.
covet covet covet.
============
fdq...

"the day that you're mother died, she didn't get into heaven, she's down in hell giving slurpies at the 7-11..."

ha ha ha HA.
that's just funny.
===============
carlos mencia...

"god has a sense of humor. Go look at anyone at wal-mart. God is a funny guy."

LOL.
i think so too, it's the only explanation for rednecks.
===========
i should...

go goth or emo, then my moods and depression would be acceptable.
eh, fuck that.
i am what i am.
i was never one of the cool people, anyway.
i stopped caring when i was 13.
the so called cool people are overrated.
=============
i hate...

waking up at nine a.m.
it's not even midnight and i'm bleary eyed.
i've been getting too much sleep, i need to lay off the seroquel.
i'm fine with four or five hours of sleep, it's the hours spent trying to get to sleep that drive me to the idiotic pills.
insomnia will drive you stark raving mad.
those who don't suffer from it don't get it, at all.
but then that goes for the whole depression/mood swings/anxiety thing as well.
it's easy to pass judgement and get irate when you've never been there.
is probably why i've spent years surrounding myself with nothing but people who have been thru it and understand.
maintaining relationships with impatient non understanding people never works out,it just makes you feel bad for not being able to "snap out of it".
ugh, that phrase still makes me cringe.
if people could just snap out of it, they wouldn't be shelling out hundreds for shrinks and meds.
believe me, we'd rather waste that money on fun stuff, not trying to find sanity.
and it really pisses me off when someone implies taking meds indicates weakness.
bet they wouldn't say that to a diabetic.
but because mental illness is stigmatized and "not visible", well, people think it's open season.
and to them i say....
FUCK OFF.
i've had it with people lording it over my head that i need(ed) meds.
i'd bet everything i own they wouldn't last a month in my shoes, let alone 20 plus years.
if you haven't been there, you don't know so shut the fuck up. if you can't handle it, fuck you, i don't get the option of walking away.
i have no idea where that rant came from, but it's the truth.
wait, i do know, was some smart ass remark my bother in law made about when my sister was hospitalized and on meds.
screw you, man.
there are,on occasion, those who try to deal and i think that's sweet.
it's the ones who make no effort and pass judgement that piss me the fuck off.
=====================
maddening...

mom's roommate owns about 20 wind chimes and they're all hanging on the front porch beneath my window.
so i get to listen to that shit all day and night.
was really irksome during today's windstorm.
i have nothing against chimes, used to collect them, but I hung them indoors where they didn't make much noise.
============
speaking of....

the windstorm...
all i could think of was my hair being tangled with kat's....
such a purr inducing notion.
================
12am...

so it's technically wednesday.
my sister is making lasagna tonight, was my request for a "going away" meal.
she makes a kick ass lasagna.
but then her cooking rocks, period.
she definitely got the betty crocker gene for herself and for me.
left to my own devices i'd probably starve.
well,not really, i can only go so long without any food and i start to feel sick so i force myself to eat something.
food is just a waste of my time and energy.
===============
miss courty...

is bathing her giant kanga paws.
it's sooo cute.
==============
i'm so happy...

i got to talk to shane and we're back in touch.
same old shane, down on his luck in every aspect.
he knows me well, he said he knew i'd find a way to get back to california.
i don't see myself staying too long.
the sunshine would threaten my corpse like pallor.
:p
==============
corpsa cola...

LOL.
kat...is brilliant.
=============
commercials...

for dating services make me laugh.
i cannot fathom paying to hook up.
tho...
i should start a dating service for depressed freaky people since the "normal" ones reject us.
they could pay me in pop rocks.
:p
==============
reno 911..

is hysterical.
officer jim dangle makes me laugh my ass off.
no one can be THAT dumb, i reject the notion.
it's funny, tho.
==============
wtf...

some religious guy is on TV saying AIDS is "god's" way of punishing "deviants".
that's utter bullshit.
ignorance disgusts me.
Hope he gets ebola.
then i'll say it's god's way of punishing stupid people.
================
arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....

tension breaker, had to be done.
================
...

"how could something s beautiful turn out so fucking deranged...baby wants blood and she wants mine...sending a shiver up my spine...things just went from bad to worse, i guess it's all downhill now, from here to the hearse..."
=============
do NOT...

tell me what you think i want to hear.
just spit out the truth.
maybe i spazz out, but i get over it.
being told what others think i want to hear pisses me off.
it's insulting, as if they're saying i can't handle the truth and am only worthy of what is basically a lie.
this actually makes me angrier than if someone were to just say something to purposely piss me off.
i've actually had to cut off contact with people before because they didn't have the guts to be honest.
i'm sure they felt they were doing the right thing to avoid my wrath...
but my wrath is far worse when i find out i've been lied to.
DO NOT WANT.
would you believe this stemmed from talking to an old "friend" who lied to me all the time? she was all nicey nice even tho we parted on less than good terms. just reminded me how it was not a loss, at all. if you don't respect me enough to be honest, I don't want you around me.
i might get my feelings hurt, i might get mad, but trust me, I'll be fucking venomous if I find out i've been lied to.
i deleted her address.
and blocked her.
i'm not so pathetic i need "friends" like that.
=================
pets...

are probably the only beings capable of absolute unconditional love.
no matter my mood, courty's love is constant and without strings.
humans could learn a lot from animals.
===============
ha!

i thought i had opened a pack of cigarettes earlier but i couldn't find them.
they fell behind the desk.
thank the sacred cow, thought i was losing it even more than is normal.
============
ugh...

they're playing a sting video on TV.
i can't stand sting.
another one i cannot stand is bono.
they annoy me.
i'm being judgemental, i know.
i just don't care.
================
me and this...

touch mouse thing on the laptop are not meshing.
but an external mouse seems to defeat the whole convenience of a laptop.
tough, the laser mouse is going with me.
i love technology until it makes me feel stupid, then all bets are off.
=============
don't be...

a fuckin' pussy.
wimpy people piss me off.
life sucks, put on your fucking helmet and shut up.
this goes for myself, too. sometimes i behave like a whiny hypersensitive brat.
disgusts me.
================
this chick on tv...

is surmising that the titanic went down because sub standard iron rivets were used.
hmmm.
could be.
i've always been fascinated with the titanic and its history, short lived as it was.
unsinkable,my ass.
i only watch that movie to see the ship, and oh, to watch people drown.
i own ghosts of the abyss, that was really interesting. i found it mind boggling that some of the stained glass is still in tact.
that's just like, wow, how the hell...
i'm a little obsessed with the titanic, actually.
===========
i'm also obsessed...

with marilyn monroe.
the image was totally fake, but under it all...
she was a tortured, tormented soul who battled addiction and crippling depression.
i still believe she was murdered.
but then i'm an x files fan, i think everything is a conspiracy.
BUT....just because you're paranoid doesn't mean the world isn't out to get you.
:p
==============
this movie...

the Strangers looks creepily intriguing.
but then most movie trailers are cool, the actual movie rarely lives up to the hype.
i haven't been to a theater since 2001.
i have issues sitting still.
=================
courty...

is the keeper of the pillows.
meaning she keeps them warm till i get ready to lay my head down on them.
then she gets miffed and hops in the desk chair.
i can't help it, i have a thing for pillows.
lots and lots of pillows.
=============
they're...

promoting bison burgers on TV.
ICK.
======================
health food fanatics...

annoy me.
i have no problem with those who want to "eat healthy".
but forcefeeding it to me just makes me hostile.
i've survived this long without ever touching stuff like broccolli or bran and i don't intend to start.
unless junk food suddenly became contagious, i don't know why anyone else gives a fuck what i eat.
=============
there are...

some things in my past i do not admit with any pride.
but it is what it is.
i own it.
=================
i don't...

possess any jewelry of value.
whatever i had of value was pawned a long time ago.
think the most expensive thing i own now is a $20 ring.
i don't believe in wasting money on it, the cheap stuff works just fine for me,tho i do have to pay a little more for rings because some cheap metals turn my skin blackish green, my sister is the same way, is some junk dna thing.
and we are wealthy with that.
===============
weird...

the net went down for an hour.
the cable net.
guess mediacom was updating or something, it almost never happens.
i was lost for that hour, tho, sad as that is.
the net is like air for me.
without it i start to die.
:p
==============
i don't...

suffer from insanity.
i enjoy every minute of it.
i sooo need that shirt.
==============
i'm sooooo....

glad the low mood passed.
it was reticent of a time i'd just as soon forget.
if i ever have to go back to living that way...i swear...
I WILL beg for shock treatment.
===================
ugh...

they're playing a bob dylan song on this show.
i have never cared for his music.
tho...
i liked a couple of songs his son jacob did with the wallflowers.
oh, come on, it was the 90's, i had to listen to SOMETHING.
============
not right bright...

my sister just told me her friend  bounced a check to bail her baby's daddy out of jail.
she's a smart woman except when it comes to men.
what a charmer he is.
he was in jail for beating up his wife.
that's a springer episode waiting to happen.
unless they're already booked.
==============
LOL...

it's fun playing patty cake with courty.
those giant kanga paws are like hands.
i love those huge paws sooo much.
=============
ooohhh...

there's a bunny that was born with four ears.
dare to be different...
i bet that hare can hear real good.
:p
=================
i'm...

sick of hearing about motorcycles,it's just neverending.
tho...when they got back awhile ago (at 2 am) i did think...
"oh, that sounds gooood."
================
tlc...

"don't go chasing waterfalls...i know you're going to have it your way or nothing at all..."
===========
warped...

thinking of bunny four ears made me flash back on that bizarre clip christina sent of chocolate easter bunnies being melted down.
i still have NO idea what that's about.
===============
rabid much...

my sister tried to give our brother a cookie the other day...
and the stepmonster flipped out.
"you know he isn't allowed sugar."
blah blah blah, was one fucking cookie.
unless it's lethal due to allergies or such, one measly cookie never hurt anyone.
there is such thing as being too stringent.
===========
ugh times ten...

now there's something on about kurt cobain.
i'm sorry he died and all, he meant a lot to a lot of people.
but he was the death knoll for music i loved very much so the name just makes me cringe.
ESPECIALLY when my sister goes on about what a genius he was.
shut up.
his music pretty much sucked and the two songs that didn't make me want to vomit...
made no fucking sense whatsoever. i mean,not even loosely.
I loved when weird al spoofed "smells like teen spirit."
"i'm mumbling...and i'm screaming...and I don't know what i'm singing...we're so loud ...and incoherent..."
ha ha ha ha.
===============
LOL...

courty rolled right off the pillow.
and looked at me like it was my fault.
now she's plopped in my lap,purrrrrring.
she won't be purring after the vet appointment, i bet.
==============
obsessed...

i had to watch my 30stm's "the kill" live clip again.
i had no choice.
i already loaded the album onto the laptop, them and all things wednesday related.
you can tell what my priorities are.
where the fuck is my jared leto lullabye,anyway?
:p
=================
tick tock...

8 days and counting.
if there is anything about this place i may miss i guess now would be the time to enjoy it.
except i can't think of a single thing.
i'll miss my family, that's about it.
============
a beautiful lie...

is not just an album and song title.
================
from yesterday...

"he's a stranger to some and a vision to none, he can never get enough, get enough of the world..."

i still have NO idea exactly what this song is about.
but it is soooo soothing.
================
sooo blonde...

earlier i mentioned my stun gun.
and cory asked, "what does it do?"
hmm, ask your grandpa, he's the genius who used it on himself to prove it didn't work and landed on his ass in the floor.
we still laugh about that.
===============
so...

"kick the crypt and baby walk with me, and we'll find a new place to haunt..."
================
i think...

it's HYSTERICAL that wednesday put the new album out all on his own.
it is his best work to date.
fuck you, record company.
he doesn't need you.
======================
yumm...

kat, me, vellux...
purr inducing.
=============
ya know who...

i think should be a presidential candidate?
pinky, and brain could be his vice president.
HA!
that's probably my favorite cartoon ever.
except for Sam and Max.
which is impossible to find, i could kick myself for loaning the tape out.
their vcr ate it.
but pinky...i'd vote for him.
he'd probably make "shiny pants day"  a national holiday.
oooh,something shiny...
:p
===============
blah blah blah...

yada yada yada.
=============
i'm not...

getting older.
i'm getting better.
that's my story and i'm sticking to it.
================
...

"and we don't need a reason...to give you all a fucking beating..."
============

Yesterday sucked because I had an abrupt mood crash and I tried to get it under control but I failed and acted like an idiot. So I severed contact with everyone and just hung out in bed waiting for it to pass. All things considered, one mood swing in a week is an improvement. It used to happen several times a DAY. It is still unacceptable,though. What stunned me most is the hostility I felt, for everything. I even got snarky with Courty. It just came from out of nowhere,no rhyme,no reason. I had an identical mood crash last Monday, as well. I don't know if it's the fucked up chemicals protesting to me being happy for days at a time or what. I just know i don't fucking like it. Had several messages so I was apparently missed but in the dark mood I was in,it was a mercy absence. I even avoided my family, think I said ten words the whole day.
Today is a better day. Christina thought the mood crash had made me back out of the trip,but if anything,it just made me more determined. The ONLY time the mood swings were a non issue were the times I was not in this place.
I've been playing with the laptop today. It's a transition, I've had lots of typos.Still acclimating and figuring out stuff but I did download all the programs I like and I got it all set up.
Tomorrow is Courty's vet appt. With each passing day both my excitement and dread grow. This trip is going to happen this time whereas in the past it never came together. This makes me happy but scared,too. I don't handle change or new things with any grace.
The only good thing I can say about yesterday is that when nothing or no one else could, Kat made me smile.
And that's all I have to say at present time.

mood:
cold
=================
song
30 stm
the kill

"look in my eyes...you're killing me, killing me, all i wanted was you..."
=============
awwww....

i awoke to a mother's day ecard from tyler.
that means a lot to me.
he always makes me feel so loved.
while laughing my ass off.
that is priceless.
becca wished me a happy mother's day when it was that day in the UK.
my kids are very good to me.
=============
feels like...

fucking october or november, i'm an ice cube.
brrrrrrrr.
california looks better and better every day.
================
i...

signed grandma's card and told dad me and brandi were NOT going.
i did not elaborate.
he did not push it.
about got him trained.
:p
==============
if...

tyler doesn't stop talking about cutting his hair short...
he's gonna be on the receiving end of his own rusty sharp objects.
:p
===========
the...

picture from the other night that the stepmonster took...
she had a copy made for mom, i'm glad i'm leaving so i won't have to see it daily.
does not impress me.
but my hair looked cool as fuck.
tis all i really care about.
============
i fell...

asleep to the sound of wind, rain, and birds telling me all about their branches.
was nice.
===========
i awoke...

to find myself freezing and being hollared at.
i covered my head with the blanket and ignored it.
till they sent my brother to get me up.
i took my sweet time making an appearance downstairs.
============
sick...

kenny was telling us how he's been shooting the stray cats that come to his house.
like it's not just as easy to call animal control as it is to load a gun.
i'm glad he's not directly related to me, that's some tainted fuckin' gene pool.
==========
i'm...

up.
but i don't know how awake i am.
my mind is still half asleep.
=============
i should...

be snuggling with kat right now.
=============
wednesday...

"she's got a price on my head...and the price is D-E-A-D,dead..."
=============
i was...

contemplating getting back into music promotion.
it was aggravating but a lot of fun.
then it hit me...
i don't give a fuck.
i don't want to have to deal with people, let alone musicians.
my mind could always change but at the moment, i'm not gonna go there.
==============
...

"i'm in the closet,underneath your bed...and when i'm not i'm in your head..."
===========
kissy face...

LOL.
that's sweet.
and funny.
tyler and his honey are sooo cute.
============
kitty smackdown...

that'll teach you to touch the cat when he's not in the mood, tyko.
:p
==============
mom...

has a jc penney catalog.
found my dream bed.
black wrought iron, with a canopy.
not girly.
more gothic, actually.
sexxxxy.
i didn't have the nerve to look at the price.
==============
...

"i know that it sounds strange...that i wanna eat your brains..."
===========
we were...

under a tornado watch.
now it's just a wind advisory.
wouldn't be so bad if it were warm, but cold wind just makes me shiver.
===================
how rude...

courty didn't get me a thing for mother's day.
:p
================
ugh...

someone's car alarm was going off.
those things are annoying.
===============
why...

has TNT shown "air force one" three times in less than 24 hours?
like there's a shortage of dumb movies.
===========
i was...

sent a link someone else found hysterical.
i laughed maybe twice.
i am constantly amazed by how  differently things strike different people.
===========
is...

this election bullshit over with yet?
i'm sick of fuckin' hearing about it.
==============
awwwww....

i stand corrected.
courty did get me something for mother's day, she had my sister do her shopping.
i got a cute card, and a yellow rose.
that is sooo sweet.
LOL, courty's trying to eat my flower.
=============
i'm finally...

starting to warm up.
is not that the weather or this room has warmed up.
i just get really toasty when i am talking to kat.
============
courty...

is my baby.
==============
we...

had an early supper since mom has to go to work tonight.
was good.
i've never turned down mashed pototoes in my life, let alone garlic ones.
yummm.
============
it sounds so gay...

when they censor the word "fuck" on TV by inserting the word "freak".
it makes me laugh.
============
insane...

russ and matt are taking their bikes out.
i'd freeze to death, that's just nuts.
==============
LOL

cory is stomping around on his rollerskates...
makes me think of rollercorpse.
i find that there is little i cannot in some way connect to kat.
==============
i'm...

lulling becca.
============
sometimes...

i just feel utterly detached, like i'm on the outside looking in, and not affected either way.
it feels very cold and lonely and i do not like it, at all.
but i know how moods go, you just have to ride it out and hope it eventually passes.
went thru that last week, only i wasn't merely detached, i was hostile,as well.
and i still have no idea why.
thankfully, i didn't take it out on anyone like i used to.
i'm am evolving, slowly.
and learning to contol the moods instead of letting them control me.
=============
romantic...

kat is.
is so dreamy.
==============
foul up...

that sounds really gay.
fuck up sounds better.
=============
earlier...

mom couldn't get the lid on the bowl and she yelled, "You guys better watch out, I'm about to throw this fucker!"
nah, we don't have tempers or foul mouths, at all.
:p
===========
iced coffee...

sounds even worse than plain coffee.
ewwwww.
==========
tootsie footsie...

i have NO idea.
but it makes me smile.
============
i do not like...

to be tickled.
at all.
my dad tortured me with it as a child.
do not want.
==============
kat...

makes my heart race.
no one has ever done that before.
i like it.
a lot.
=================
7:30pm...

tyler's off to bed.
it's still so damn sunny, i couldn't sleep now unless heavily medicated or wasted.
===============
blargggg...

the sun is on my last nerve.
i need a celestial hitman.
grrrrr.
=============
candy and kat....

YUM.
===============
i love...

black roses.
i don't care if most think they're morbid.
i'm a morbid person.
beautifully so...
==========
whoa...

there is a puppy who was born green.
that's freaky.
=============
this chick on TV...

is crying and having some sort of breakdown cos she got dumped by a guy she dated for a week.
suck it the fuck up.
and call a wambulance.
================
spinny...

kat...
mmmmm.
=============
twilight zone...

cory came up from out of the blue,hugged me, and said, "I love you, aunt niki."
very sweet but is as common as satan walking up to god with open arms.
===========
roxx gang...

"i want to take you, i want to make you do, things you've never done before..."
==========
sexiest snarly voice ever...

wednesday.
i love that gravelly growl.
immensely.
==============
...

"now i ain't got a  fucking problem...i just love to say fuck...and i don't care who's around me..."
==========
...

"i hear them, they're calling, the skeletons in my closet..."
=========
...

"it's scary...disturbing...but somehow,i'm not sorry..."
============
LOL...

my clip got caught in my hair...
and the first word out of my mouth...
was FUCK.
i do love that word, maybe a little too much.
eh, fuck it.
:p
==============
...

"mom and dad,look at me now...i know  you're so damn proud...the baby that you used to kiss...i cannot resist these middle fingers on my fist..."
==============
LOL...

my msn display pic says, "sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me...so throw me down, tie me up,  show me that you like me."

and christina messaged me and said, "Ok, if you insist, but you're really not my type."

ha ha ha.
===============
wow...

christina's decorating my room tomorrow.
i think she's excited i'm coming or something.
i told her to find  some dark curtains to block out the dreaded sunlight and i'm good.
==========
speechless...

kat says such amazing things to me...
i'm just...
in total awe.
==============
i'm watching...

this movie with queen latifah in it.
she's funny as hell.
==================
spinny...

kat....
mmmmm.
==============
christina...

sent me  a really bizarre link.
of chocolate easter bunnies being melted down in various ways.
I have NO idea.
==================
LOL...

becca just wrote a haiku about my hair.
my hair is the popular kid these days.
:p
=============
ha ha ha...

now bex composed a haiku about my love for candy.
yup, that's me, hair and candy.
next, i want one written for my attitude 'cos it's even bigger than my hair and candy addiction
:p
===============
perverting children's songs...

i have a gift.
==============
kunttle....

that will always be funny.
becca coined a keeper there.
===============
mood crash...

UGH.
i hate it.
this happened last monday,too.
i need to face it.
i simply cannot maintain happiness for more than a few days at a time.
is maddening.
====================
fuck this...

i'm going to take my miserable mood to bed.
which will probably only make it worse.
i really need to not be conscious right now.
===============
tho...

up till the mood swing it was a beautiful day.
i'm going to try to hold onto that.
whether it was real or not.
===============